Daily Dose - 010331 - Spinet Piano, well-preserved, tattoos, 60 minutes of great sex, brand new shiny watch, Reader's Digest, DDL, Urban Legends Debunked
My sister brought her daughter a really nice Spinet Piano for her birthday.
A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing.
"Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."
"How come?" I asked.
"Well," my sister answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."
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Grandpa Cartnell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
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The doctor noted with astonishment a tattoo of a bluebird on the shoulder of his 70-year-old patient, who was in his office for a checkup.
She told him that she had wanted one her whole life, so she and her 16-year-old grandson decided that they would birthday tattoos together.
"Why didn't you get one sooner?" the doctor asked.
She replied, "I was afraid of what my mother would say!"
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A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!!"
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Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.
"Nope," Jimmy replied.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.
"Nope."
"You didn't steal it did you?"
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father
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Reader's Digest
On a business trip in California, I realized that I had forgotten my wife's birthday the day before. Assuming I was in big trouble, I went to the jewelry section of a San Francisco department store.
After explaining to the saleswoman that I desperately needed a gift to make up for my forgetfulness, she quipped, "I'm sorry, but we don't have anything that expensive."
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Turning 50 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife's 50th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling of my own.
I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said I had never made love to anyone over 50 years old.
"Oh, well I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great".
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DDL
For his birthday, a chap from Great Britain,
Was given a rocker to sit in;
A knob on his door,
A brass cuspidor,
And a blue chamberpot, just to shit in.
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Max Gittelman celebrated his eightieth birthday party with his wife, Reba, and a few old cronies. When the guests left, Max sank down on the davenport, his expression weary.
"Max, are you all right?" Reba asked anxiously. "I told you a man your age is too old for a party. Maybe now you'll listen!"
"My dear Reba," replied Max patiently, "a man is not too old until it takes him longer to rest up than it did to get tired!"
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BIRTHDAY JACKET
Mary: "I'm going to get my husband a jacket for his birthday."
Jill: "Sports?"
Mary: "No."
Jill: "Leather?"
Mary: "No."
Jill: "What kind, then?"
Mary: "Straight."
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Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a midddle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Curious.
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Carol
Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering
Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.
Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Rose
Dear Rose, So would I.
Dear Abby, What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? Bess
Dear Bess, Night and day.
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Urban Legends Debunked
Claim: A couple of kids sign up an imaginary boy for a free yearly ice cream cone. Years later they receive a draft notice for their invisible friend.
Status: True.
Synopsis: Don't sign up your kid for a free ice cream cone on his birthday, else on his 18th birthday he might get a not-so-friendly reminder from Uncle Sam to register for the draft.
Origins: In 1984, a Palo Alto, California, family received a Selective Services reminder that it was almost time for Johnny Klomberg to register for the draft. Problem was, there was no Johnny Klomberg living at that address. Or anywhere else. He was purely the fictional invention of the two boys who did live there, Eric and Greg Hentzel.
To remind them to register for the draft, Selective Service had been tracking down young men through commercial mailing lists They got caught out at this practice when they sent such an invitation to a fictional kid who'd been dreamed up by a couple of young Dillingers whose dad was an ex-Serviceman, a lawyer, and not amused.
He didn't think it right that a kids' "free ice cream" list should be turned into a Selective Service name harvesting opportunity. I don't either.
Young men had to register for the draft within 30 days of their 18th birthday. Selective Service tried to trace those who have not done so through driver's license records and, sometimes, Social Security cards and the Internal Revenue Service. Failing to register was punishable by a maximum $10,000 fine, up to five years in jail, or both.
Fair enough. But using a kids' birthday club list?
Selective Service didn't see anything wrong with what they were doing. "We do everything we can to get every 18-year-old to register," said Will Ebel, their director of public affairs. "Our concern is equity. If your son registers, the guy who lives across the street who is 18 should have to register too."
That's all well and good, but news of an ice cream parlor's birthday club mailing list being used for such recruitment struck a number of people as plain wrong.
Seven years earlier the Hentzel brothers dreamed up Johnny in an effort to weasel free frozen treats out of the local ice cream parlor. Farrell's birthday club rewarded its members with a free sundae on their special day. It was but a matter of filling out a form with name, address and date of birth -- a Farrell's invitation for the annual free treat would arrive through the mail at the appropriate time.
Magic, the Hentzel boys thought. Also too good an opportunity to pass up on. "We made up really phony names and put different birthdays on but our own address," said Eric. Which is how Johnny Klomberg's Selective Service notice ended up arriving at their house.
Their bit of childhood perfidy uncovered what the government had been up to. Selective Service was forced to acknowledge that in 1983 it paid a mailing list broker $5,687 for 167,000 names of other birthday club boys who would be 18 that year so that it could remind them to register. Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor Restaurant, a large national chain, was "outraged" to discover its list has been passed to the government without permission.
The restaurant had kept a list of the children's names and addresses so it could mail out "free ice cream" invites to those signed up on it. It also sometimes rented its list through a direct mail broker. (Mailing lists are rented or traded between various businesses as a matter of due course. The standard agreement provides for the payment of a fee or a list swap in return for the one-time use of the names; each additional mailing using those names generates another fee or swap due. All rentals and trades have to be agreed to by both parties. Which brings us back to Farrell's "outrage" -- they'd never agreed to this use of their list.)
The broker is authorized only to let people use the list with our written permission," said Alexander Hehmeyer, senior vice president and general counsel of Farrell's. "We have no record of any request by government. We were shocked and outraged; we would never give permission for its use by a government agency.
It smacks of big brother government and use of information by the government that citizens would not want used," he said. "I have two young sons and would be very upset if I thought I could sign them up for a free ice cream at Farrell's and they'd hear from the draft.
The list broker, George Mann Associates of New Jersey, acknowledged it had allowed Selective Service to buy the list without first checking with Farrell's. When this came to light, Selective Service threw out the names it had so harvested as, without Farrell's express permission to it, they shouldn't have had the use of them.
"The use of this commercial list was entirely appropriate and we don't have any moral qualms," said Will Ebel. "But it appears the list broker may have sold us the names without the permission of the originator, and in these circumstances we feel it best not to use them."
Moral of the story -- be careful what you sign your child up for. You never quite know what use the information will be put to.