Daily Dose - 010328 - BAPTIZED AS WHAT, BIZARRE NEWS, misunderstanding, DDL, Hey Martha
BAPTIZED AS WHAT?
Two little boys are looking for a way to cool off on a hot summer day. Dad won't let them play in the sprinkler because he is mowing the lawn, so the boys set out to find a way to get wet and cool without getting into trouble. They sit on the curb brainstorming when suddenly one of them jumps up and says "I know, lets get baptized!"
Well, both boys have seen enough to know that you can get wet at a baptism, so they trot down to the church on the corner and tell the pastor they want to get baptized. The irritated pastor finally relents after about 10 minutes of begging, and he finally drags the boys to the men's room and dunks them both head first into the toilet, then sends them on their way.
They boys sit on the curb, slightly disappointed with the whole adventure, when one of them asks the other, "What religion are we now?"
"I don't know" replies the other "If we were Baptists, he would have filled up the big tub and dunked our whole body like he did for uncle Jim, and if we were Catholic, he would have poured it on our heads from a pitcher."
They sat and thought about it for a while longer when the first one said in a small voice, "Since he stuck our head in the toilet, I think that it means that we're 'piss-ca-palian."
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BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Defense
In 1996, a Californian judge ruled against James Pflugradt's estate and in favor of the deceased's former landlord. The judge allowed the landlord to keep Pflugradt's $825 security deposit because he died without giving 30 days notice.
Troy Matthew Gentzler confessed to tossing rocks at cars from an overpass on Interstate 83 near York, Pennsylvania. But his lawyer claimed he was the victim of "Roid rage," erratic emotional swings caused by steroid use.
In October 1996, Charles S. Shapiro begged the Montgomery County, Maryland, court to allow him to change his plea to not guilty of hiring a hit man. He claimed his judgment had been impaired because he had ingested tranquilizers along with a bottle of Tums before confessing.
A Saint Louis, Missouri, man argued that the reason the jury found him guilty of stealing court documents wasn't that it had been prejudiced against him. The man claimed he was demonized because the judge allowed the jury to learn he was a lawyer.
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Woman Bites Off More Than She Could Chew in Argument
NEWCASTLE, England - A British woman admitted in court that she bit off more than she could chew, literally, when she aided a friend in a domestic dispute.
Denise Carr, 32, leapt to the defense of her friend Shelley Hutchinson when her husband Neil began attacking her. He then began fighting with Carr, and sat on top of her.
Carr told the court she defended herself by biting her attacker in the groin, but hadn't realized that in doing so, she bit off his testicle.
It was only after the police arrived that the missing testicle was discovered under a picture frame in the sitting room.
Carr was originally charged with wounding with intent but that was reduced to affray, which she admitted.
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Willful Splasher Faces $500 Fine
MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY - Forget rape, murder and mayhem. A 20-year-old college student is facing the business end of a $500 fine and up to three months in jail for splashing a pedestrian with his truck.
Witness Eric Gill said he saw the perpetrator swerve at least five feet off the road to drive through a puddle and splash a woman as she walked on campus.
Gill wrote down the license number and then drove alongside the truck to get a look at the driver, whom he said was laughing uproariously.
While no victim has even come forward, Assistant Prosecutor Sam Smith said there is enough evidence to try the case.
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Eye of Newt, Toe of Frog
BROKEN ARROW, Oklahoma - We thought we'd never see another student witch story, but recently 15-year-old Union High School student Brandi Blackbear has been interrogated and suspended for just that.
When one of her teachers became mysteriously ill suspicion immediately fell on Brandi who has made no secret about reading books from the school library about Wicca.
Assistant principal Charlie Bushyhead suspended Blackbear for 15 days as "an immediate threat to the school," seized her notebooks, and barred her from drawing or wearing any Wiccan signs. A federal lawsuit is pending.
"It's hard for me to believe that in the year 2000 I am walking into court to defend my daughter against charges of witchcraft," her father said.
[If she weighs as much as a duck she's a witch. And what do we do with witches...?]
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Would-Be Thief Charged
ALMATY, Kazakhstan A Kazakh man who was electrocuted and buried has shocked his friends and family by turning up for his own funeral feast.
The man was wrapped in a cloth shroud according to Muslim tradition and buried in a shallow grave after apparently dying while trying to steal power cables in eastern Kazakhstan, local media reported Wednesday.
But two days later he regained consciousness and rose naked from the ground, Express K daily said.
The paper said he had difficulty flagging down a vehicle to take him home.
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Car Buying Scam Becomes a Drag for Thief
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylavania - Here is living proof that all crooks come in different shapes and sizes.
A 6ft 4in man dressed in drag so he could use credit cards which had been stolen from a woman in September to buy a new car in the U.S.
According to police, the man tried to buy a Mitsubishi car with one of the woman's cards featuring her name but displayed his picture on it.
The dealership was alerted when it ran a credit check and was told the woman had been a victim of fraud.
The man has since then been charged with forgery and attempted theft.
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72 Gallons of Beer on the Wall...
LANCASHIRE, Europe - Apparently a champion Lancashire pool team has grown tired of swimming with the fishes, so they are going to start drinking like them too.
The team from the Oddfellows Arms in Accrington play in competitions sponsored by a local brewery. After winning the double of league and champion of champions titles, the team was awarded 72 gallons of beer.
According to Oddfellows Arms landlord Fred Bardsley, the seven-man team had a tough choice of re-entering the league or taking time out to enjoy their winnings.
"Actually, it didn't take long to reach a decision. We'll certainly have a merry Christmas and the beer might just about be gone in the New Year, so we'll be back to win some more," Bardsley concluded.
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It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor." Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman...
...So I showed her."
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DDL
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck-all.
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Q: What does a 12 year old hillbilly girl say when she's losing her virginity?
A: "Get off me, dad! You're crushing my cigarettes!"
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Q: Why can't midgets wear tampons?
A: Because they trip over the string.
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To most people solutions mean finding the answers but to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up...
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, February 12, 2001
Topless Brit soldier arrested
By JENNIFER BILL-- The Toronto Sun
Lance Cpl. Roberta Winterton has been busted for posing topless in Britain's Sun newspaper.
Top brass blew the whistle on the intrepid 20-year-old when she became the first serving British Army girl to appear on Page 3 -- minus her camouflage.
Winterton, who is determined to quit the army to become a model, was confined to barracks and locked in a guard room at her base at Hullavington, near Chippenham, Wiltshire.
She has since been allowed to resume her duties as a physical-training instructor while senior officers decide her fate.
As fellow comrades clamoured to claim copies of Winterton's sizzling Sun session, the sexy soldier was flooded with offers from TV stations and model agencies around the world.
One soldier who has served with Winterton -- known as Bertie by her comrades -- sent an e-mail to the Sun's Web site from Bosnia:
"Boy, I didn't realize just what was under her tracksuit during PT sessions. Well done, Bertie, you've made a lot of squaddies very happy."
"All the lads think it is great and have been queueing for my autograph," Winterton told the Sun.
"They don't think I have done anything wrong. In fact, they say I have cheered them up in a big way," said the toned trooper, who went AWOL for a day for the photo session.
Winterton could be charged under Section 69 of the 1955 Army Act for "conduct to the prejudice of good order and military discipline," with punishment ranging from a fine to a 28-day term in a military jail.
The most likely outcome is a demotion one rank to private -- and being allowed to leave the army in three months.
But top military brass say that shedding her khakis is tacky, and should send her quickly packing.
"She has broken just about every rule in the book," one senior official said. "It is a clear breach of Section 69 of the Army Act and the obvious move would be to kick her out."
But another military source conceded: "We are in a dilemma. If we kick her out, we are playing into her hands as she wants to leave. But if we do nothing it sets a bad example."
Meanwhile, Winterton's parents think their daring daughter is a model soldier.
"I was proud of her in Army uniform -- and I am proud of her out of it," Shirley Winterton, 49, said from the family home in Bridlington, East Yorkshire.
"Roberta's a great ad for the Army. Now people can see just how fit a PT instructor really is. She shouldn't get into trouble," said Shirley, who thought the photos were "wonderfully tasteful."
"Roberta always wanted to be a model and always wanted to join the Army. Now she has achieved both ambitions."
Roberta's friend Ann Burt, 27, added: "She looks great and I think it'll give the Army's stuffy image a boost."