Daily Dose - 010327 - value of being observant, Show & Tell, Urban Legends Debunked, French Dinner, DDL, Hey Martha

A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock; what does the clock have that I have too?"

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"

After a long silence, little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."

_________________________

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?

"I brought a Walkman."

"And what is it for?"

"You can listen to music with it!"

"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"

"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"

"Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"

"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."

So the entire class goes into the hallway.

"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"

"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."

"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"

"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"

____________________________

Urban Legends Debunked

Marion Haste; Repent at Leisure

Claim: Washington, D.C. mayor Marion Barry said lots of really dumb things.
Status: Mostly false.

Example: [Collected on the Internet, 1998]

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second,what can I say? I'm a night owl."

"Bitch set me up."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were Black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves.The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600s. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

Origins: In June 1997, a list of quotations putatively uttered by Marion Barry, the once and former mayor of Washington, D.C., appeared on the Internet. Barry, a three-term mayor, was caught (and taped) smoking crack cocaine by the FBI during a federal sting operation in 1990. Despite his subsequent conviction and prison sentence, Barry was later re-elected (inconceivably, in many people's minds) to yet another term as Washington's mayor.

Barry -- Black, unpolished, and a convicted perjurer -- appears to be the perfect buffoon to whom these absurd statements can be attributed. What other nationally known political figure (aside from Dan Quayle) would be perceived as dumb enough to confuse "inclement weather" with "increment weather" or list Nigeria and Israel as examples of "international cities"; audacious enough to distinguish between a "strip bar" and an "erotic club," or claim that his city would have a low crime rate if all the homicides were discounted; ignorant enough to claim that the "law of gravity" was racist or that Abraham Lincoln was not a Republican; and be possessed of enough hubris to claim he was "more popular than Reagan" yet still state he was a "humble man"?

Although many of these quotes are somewhat related to things Marion Barry has said or done during his long tenure in public service, only a few are authentic:

During a 23 March 1989 speech to the National Press Club, Barry did claim that, aside from the increase in homicides, the District of Columbia actually had a low crime rate; talking to reporters after his 1988 traffic accident, Barry did aver that he was a "night owl,"; and after being nabbed by FBI agents for smoking crack with a female companion, Barry did protest: "Goddamn setup . . . I'll be goddamn . . . bitch set me up."

Barry has been criticized for the size of his security detail, and a 1997 recall movement was prompted in part by the city's slow response to broken water mains, but there is no record of Barry's having made the ridiculous statements cited above in response to these controversies.

Last updated: 18 November 1998

_____________________

FRENCH DINNER

The 3 presidents, Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) were at a summit dinner in France.

The waiter asks "le apperitive?" All of them answer "oui!"

The waiter looks at Zedillo "Le tequila?"

Zedillo: "oui!"

The waiter looks at Yeltsin "Le vodka?"

Yeltsin: "oui!"

Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton "Le whisky?"

Clinton: "DON'T YOU EVER MENTION THAT BITCH!!!"

____________________

DDL

Her sidesaddle progress was slow;
No track tout would rate her a pro.
Said Godiva, "I rode
While the townspeople oh'd
Not to win or to place - but to show!"

_____________________

It is not whether the glass is half full of half empty but yet it is the question "Who the hell drank half of my beer?"

_____________________

Q. What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?
A. Relative humidity

_____________________

"It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs..."
-----Jack Handey

_____________________

Hey Martha (true)

Saturday, February 10, 2001

Atlantic City Beach Patrol denies sand theft

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. (AP) -- Nobody kicks sand in the face of the Atlantic City Beach Patrol.

When an eBay seller auctioned off a pound of Atlantic City's finest sand, beach patrol officials complained that the transaction was illegal.

"We definitely don't want sand leaving our beaches. Mother Nature takes it, but she doesn't need a permit," said patrol spokesman Bob Levy.

The seller, identified only as Taipan126, advertised one full pound of authentic beach sand: "Fresh sand. So fresh, it will be scooped from the beach mere hours before being sent to you."

The lone bidder paid 99 cents, plus $4 for shipping and handling.

An eBay spokesman said sellers are responsible for what they hawk, but the company will keep tabs on them if government officials complain.

Neither the buyer nor the seller responded to e-mail messages inquiring about the sale.

Atlantic City has spent about $1.2 million in five years adding sand to make up for beach erosion.

"That sand belongs to the residents of the city of Atlantic City," said Levy. "I've had a lot of requests from people who say, 'I want to fill up my child's sand box.' And my response is always 'No."'