Daily Dose - 010321 - seance, see six feet, bragging, crabs, Quaker gentleman, Blended Magazines, DDL, Hey Martha
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.
The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
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Jill was in bed with a man who was not her husband and things were heating up. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.
"Oh my God, your husband is home. What am I going to do?"
"Aw, just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me."
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Jill, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Jill's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled, "What the heck is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed."
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband then got out of bed, and re-counted, "One, two, three, four... by gosh, you're right, dear!" as he stumbled back into bed.
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As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.
Not to be outdone, the Little Johnny piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
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The lady walks in a fish market and asks the owner "How much are your crabs?"
The owner scratched his head and said "They're about $1.00 a piece"
"My, my..." beamed the woman. "Shake hands with a millionaire!"
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A good Quaker gentleman was awakened one night by sounds downstairs in the living room. Realizing there was an intruder in his house, the Quaker gentleman took his hunting rifle, and standing at the top of the stairs, said,
"Sir, I mean to do thee no harm, but where thou standest is where I am about to shoot."
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Mike Rowe's Blended Magazines
HOT ROD McCALLS -- A monthly magazine geared for wives and girlfriends of automobile enthusiasts who want to dress in the latest fashions when going to the Auto Show
READER'S DIGESTIVE SYSTEM REVIEW -- A periodical devoted to presenting condensations of new research and reviews gleaned from internal medicine and gastroenterology journals
SOUTHERN LIVING FIELD AND STREAMS -- A tastefully done periodical presenting a wide variety of tips for women living in the southern US covering topics from quilting, to traditional home decorating, to how to field dress the deer carcass your husband brings home
CAR AND DRIVER TIME -- Targeting the man who wants to be up on the stock market just as much as he wants to be up on stock cars
OMNI MECHANICS ILLUSTRATED -- Offers schematics and blueprints for do-it-yourself-ers who are interested in building their own trans-dimensional portals and one-man interplanetary vehicles
SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN BAZAAR -- For the stylish research associate who wants to have more than white lab coats in her closet
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DDL
A lissome psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
Said she, "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun if I were sane."
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Real Headlines
GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times
GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY (should be "Pen Is")
The New Haven Connecticut Register
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
Newsday
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, December 13, 2000
State leaders need child to light tree
HARRISBURG, Pa. (AP) -- When state leaders were tripped up by an electrical switch this week, a little kid power saved the day.
During Tuesday's Christmas tree lighting ceremony in the Capitol rotunda, Gov. Tom Ridge and Lt. Gov. Mark Schweiker pushed and pushed but couldn't get a button to illuminate a 23-foot white fir, dressed with 4,000 bulbs.
The dark moment ended when a Schweiker child -- 11-year-old Eric -- had a bright idea and tried turning the knob instead.
"It's the beginning of a Schweiker for governor campaign," Ridge said. "He figured it out when everybody else didn't."
Ridge said afterward that a push-button had been used in previous years but -- apparently -- somebody changed the routine unannounced.