Daily Dose - 010320 - Paddy is a cripple, new sex position, BIZARRE NEWS, Noticed, DDL, Hey Martha
Paddy and Mike were inseparable friends; Paddy was crippled. One day, Mike bursts in on the pastor in his rectory and says, "Father, Father, ye wouldn't believe what just happened to Paddy in the Church!"
"Well, then tell me lad. What happened to Paddy in me church?"
"Well, Paddy walked into the Church on his crutches. He reached into the holy water font, rubbed holy water all over his right leg, and threw away his right crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know."
"Yes, yes, I know. Then what happened?" asks the priest.
"Paddy did the same thing with his left leg and threw away his other crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know."
"Yes, yes, I know that! For the love of Jesus, Michael, tell me what happened next!"
"Oh," says Mike, "he fell right on his ass! He's a cripple, ye know."
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Amanpreet came home in great excitement and said to Judi, his wife, "Judi, love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for having sex!"
"Really?" she replied, interested at once. "What is it?
"Back to back!"
"But that's crazy! We can't do anything back to back!"
"Sure we can!" Amanpreet explained. "Another couple is going to help us out!"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Holidays
DECEMBER
December is... Hi Neighbor Month
December is... Bingo's Birthday Month
December 2 is... National Fritters Day
December 5 is... National Sacher Torte Day
December 6 is... National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day
December 8 is... Take It In The Ear Day
December 10 is... Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales
December 11 is... National Noodle Ring Day
December 12 is... National Ding-A-Ling Day
December 14 is... National Bouillabaisse Day
December 16 is... National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
December 17 is... Underdog Day & National Maple Syrup Day
December 18 is... National Roast Suckling Pig Day
December 26 is... National Whiners Day
December 27 is... National Fruitcake Day
December 29 is... Pepper Pot Day
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Couple Burned By Unrequited Love
HAMBURG, Germany - A couple's heated discussion about sex turned explosive after the man accidentally set fire to a can of petrol.
The 31-year-old man had taken his 17-year-old girlfriend to a hotel in Hamburg for a romantic rendezvous when an argument erupted. The man attempted to coerce his lover by threatening to ignite a can of gasoline.
His bravado obviously got the better of him.
Both were reported to have sustained serious injuries in the explosion and the hotel room was completely trashed.
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Saint Still Sanguine 63 Years After Interment
LACKAWANNA, N.Y. - Recently the body of the late Rev. Nelson H. Baker was exhumed from Holy Cross Cemetery, where it had been at rest for 63 years, for removal to the nearby Our Lady of Victory Basilica.
What officials discovered was so startling it immediately caught the attention of the Diocese.
Reverend Nelson's blood was unexplainably fresh. Medical experts have provided sworn testimony as to the remarkably liquid state of the bodily fluids.
Baker devoted his life to helping orphaned and troubled youth, unwed mothers and the poor. In 1987 Pope John Paul II named Baker a "Servant of God" - the first step in the canonization process.
The current investigation could lead Baker one step closer to sainthood.
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Pet's Playfulness Not Too Hard To Swallow
MOSCOW - A hamster should be renamed Jonah after surviving being swallowed whole by a dog.
The hamster had jumped off the knee of the little girl who owned it, directly into the path of the family dog, which swallowed it in one gulp.
The girl's parents heard the animal squeaking inside the dog and rushed it to the animal hospital.
The hamster was reportedly unconscious when it was recovered by vets, however, they were able to resuscitate it.
It was not mentioned exactly what method was used to retrieve the hamster.
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Suicidal Woman Saved on a Recall
TOPEKA, Kansas - A woman in Kansas was having a really bad day after she botched her suicide attempt and was then ignored by emergency medical technicians.
The 53-year-old woman reportedly shot herself in the head and then called 911 for help.
Firefighters found her unconscious and assumed she was dead, without checking for a pulse. An ambulance was canceled, and firefighters and deputies waited outside the home to protect it as a crime scene.
Meanwhile, the woman regained consciousness and called 911 again.
Firefighters outside the home were told of the call and rushed inside to provide medical care.
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Boy Sees Stars After Refusing to Give Goodnight Kiss
SKOKIE, Illinois - A 15-year-old girl apologized in court for beating up her 18-year-old boyfriend for not kissing her.
The drunken girl gave the young man quite a walloping that left him with two black eyes and to make matters worse, she later told police he tried to rape her.
He was cleared of the charges when an examination revealed no evidence of sexual assault.
The young man told police he never fought back because he was taught not to hit a woman.
The girl confessed to the judge that she needs to learn to control her temper.
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Knickers Nabbing Nipped in the Bud
TOKYO - A thief was sniffed out by a police dog after he lost his sandal, Cinderella style, during an underwear robbery in Tokyo.
Dago, a German shepherd, solved the crime after sniffing the lost sandal and leading police to a neighbor's door where the thief was holding up with his stolen panties.
When confronted by police the man admitted carrying out the crime.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Something strange is happening to the country's executioners manning the gallows. Three people in the last two years have accidentally hanged themselves while clowning around.
The most recent mishap occurred when the executioner prepared for an upcoming sentence and slipped the noose around his neck.
Apparently he wanted pictures taken of himself standing on the gallows when the trap door gave way, breaking his neck instantly.
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Noticed
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
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DDL
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
A lighthouse keeper called Creighton
Took to seeing a lady from Brighton,
But ships ran aground,
And sailors were drowned,
As she wouldn't have sex with the light on.
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Your mouse has moved.
Windows must now be rebooted for the changes to take affect.
Click OK to continue.
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"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory."
General J. Wickam, U S Army, Retired
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Three important questions to ask an alien before having sex:
1. Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable to humans?
2. Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past six months?
3. Which one is your mouth?
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, December 14, 2000
Worker inadvertently launches rocket
BARTOW, Fla. (AP) -- A.R. Connor bulldozed trees and brush into a pile, set them on fire and walked off to get a drink of water. Then came the explosion, as a 2-foot-long, World War II-era rocket blasted out of the fire and crashed into a chain-link fence 700 feet away.
"It sounded like dynamite," he said. "It exploded, hit the fence and dropped down and set the grass afire."
Connor, 78, was clearing ground Wednesday for a new hangar at the city airport when he apparently dug out the rocket inadvertently. The heat from the brush fire was believed to have ignited it.
No one was injured, but the area was evacuated and bomb experts were called, said Michal Shanley, spokeswoman for the Polk County Sheriff.
The airport was a training base for the Army Air Corps during World War II, when it was known as Bartow Air Base. Explosives experts were searching for more buried surprises.
"The military might have dumped a bunch of ordnance in a hole," said Sgt. Joe Spano of the state Fire Marshal's Office bomb squad. "We don't know what's back there."