Daily Dose - 010318 - blonde, black, and hispanic, Company Cook, Bizarre News, National Lampoon, DDL, Hey Martha
Caution - racial stereotypes ahead....
A blonde woman, a black woman and a hispanic woman were traveling across the country by jet. Half way through the trip, the pilot comes on the intercom and announces, "I have some bad news. We are having major engine trouble and a crash is inevitable, so please prepare yourself."
The blonde immediately opens her purse and frantically touches up her makeup. The hispanic woman say, "What are you doing? We're going to crash! We're not going to a party!"
The blonde answers, "I know, but I heard that they always save the beautiful people first in a crash."
The hispanic woman then goes through her purse and puts on every bit of jewelry she has and puts on the beautiful new sweater she was taking to her mother as a gift.
The black woman see this and asks, "Girl, are you crazy? What are you doing?"
The hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash, they always look for the rich people first."
The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt and panties. The other two women ask her what she is doing.
"I don't know where you two get your information, but when I see a plane crash on the news, the most important thing is finding the black box!"
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A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".
The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"
"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Laws
SINGAPORE
Chewing gum on subways may result in fines and/or jail time.
Homosexuals are not allowed to live in the country.
Oral sex is illegal unless it is used as a form of foreplay.
As it is considered pornographic, you may not walk around your home nude.
Failure to flush a public toilet after use may result in very hefty fines.
It is considered an offense to enter the country with cigarettes.
If you are convicted of littering three times, you will have to clean the streets on Sundays with a bib on saying, "I am a litterer." This will then be broadcasted on the local news.
It is illegal to pee in an elevator.
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A Clone By Any Other Name
The human race began as a cloning experiment by extra-terrestrials, at least that's the claim of the Raelian Organization.
It's the Raelians who have backed Clonaid, a human cloning company which offers its services to wealthy parents worldwide.
And now Clonaid has a client. A couple who lost their 10-month-old daughter have paid the company $200,000 "to express the genetic blueprint of their daughter in another life."
At least 50 women have volunteered to serve as surrogate mothers to carry a viable clone embryo. As a side note: the Raelians are planning to establish an official embassy for the aliens who, they say, are slated to visit Earth again soon.
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County Intervenes In Case Of Tubby Toddler
An Indiana couple faces neglect charges for allowing their young son to balloon to 138 pounds, more than 100 pounds more than the average 4-year-old should weigh.
Cory Andis weighed a normal 8 pounds, 14 ounces at birth. He was 111 pounds at age 3, when he appeared on a nationally broadcast television show in 1998, and reached 134 pounds before his fourth birthday.
County welfare officials and prosecutors stepped in when the boy continued to gain weight, placing Cory in foster care and barring his parents from having contact with him.
Cory, now 5, has lost more than 50 pounds by dieting since entering foster care.
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Lapping Bovines Make Bald Men Happy
PEREIRA, Columbia - A hairdresser in Columbia believes he has the baldness problem licked. The barber from Pereira, which is approximately 100 mile east of the Bogata capital, uses a special tonic and has an actual cow massage his clients scalp with its tongue to encourage hair growth.
One of the customers said the treatment has actually made him feel more masculine and more attractive to women.
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Crazy Canucks Test Bullet Proof Vest
MANITOBA, Canada - Only in Canada would someone ask their friend to shoot him, not once but twice, to test a bullet proof vest.
The man from Swan River, Manitoba put on the vest and asked his friend to shoot him in the chest with a .22-caliber rifle while a third man videoed the experiment. Then, he asked him to shoot him again, this time with a 12-gauge shotgun in the back.
He put a telephone book under the vest due to the gun's greater firepower, but still suffered cracked ribs and bruises.
The men face a firearm prohibition hearing in January to consider whether they should be allowed to handle guns.
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Gambler Receives Low Blow for Assaulting Himself
TURTLE LAKE, Wisconsin - Most people may beat themselves verbally after losing all of their money in a gambling casino. However, John Robert Broos took it to the extreme when he roughed himself up in the parking lot, then called police to report that he was robbed.
The 57-year-old Minnesota man had the bumps and bruises to prove the alleged attack, however, didn't have the proper vision to see that he was being videotaped the whole time.
Broos was arrested and now faces charges of misdemeanor obstruction.
Now the real kick in the head is that in addition to the money he lost at the casino, Broos may have to pay $10,000 in fines and could serve up to nine months in jail.
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Family's Travel Plans Sunk Upon Receiving Porno Brochure
A family got more than they bargained for when they found pages from a hardcore porn magazine inside a holiday travel brochure.
According to Paul Richies, sales and marketing director for Cosmos Travel, "The family sent a letter to our customer services department together with the brochure demanding an explanation. It was easy to see why they were shocked, it was very hard stuff."
Cosmos has apologized and claims that only one copy of its summer 2001 book was sabotaged at the printworks.
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National Lampoon
NAACP Offended by California Blackouts
By Chris R. Gennusa
LOS ANGELES --The NAACP says that racism is the chief byproduct of the current California energy crisis. The civil rights organization made the claim last week soon after the California NAACP Chapter’s "State of Our Black Union" address at Dred Scott High School in Compton was canceled due to the energy crunch. South Central L.A. was just one of the Golden State regions hit by power outtages. While much of California went without heat and lights for long stretches of time, the NAACP fumed from its posh Baltimore, Maryland headquarters. The term "Blackout" was the offender this time.
"Blackout -- it’s just another example of the white man trying to hold a brother down," said NAACP chairman Julian Bond, who made headlines recently when he came out against the correction fluid industry for lack of product diversity. "Every day the state warns of Blackouts. Black is usually associated with something bad. You got the Black Market and Black Plague and that horsemeat they serve at Black Angus. What happened when Pete Rose got caught gambling? Everyone said it was a Black Day for baseball."
When questioned about the huge popularity of Blackened Cajun food, Bond said, "Sure, it’s all good eatin’, but when you get heartburn it’s the Blackened spice that takes the fall. Booya!"
California governor Gray Davis has convened a committee, whose members include the woman Jesse Jackson shacked up with, "Soul Train’s" Don Cornelius and poet Maya Angelou, to study the matter and come up with an alternate to Blackout. Some of the more popular terms so far are "Lights Out at Uncle Tom’s Cabin," "Thanks to Whitey We Sittin’ in the Dark-outs" and "Wazzzuupp!"
Davis said the power companies "best get their shit together soon" because the state just bought a bunch of "really neat" electric chairs from Ikea.
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DDL
We feel sorry as hell for this guy,
For he gave it the Old College Try.
Still, a nympho from Livermore
Kicks because he won't givermore,
And that when his pecker's wrung dry.
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"Today, everybody remembers Galileo. How many can name the bishops and professors who refused to look through his telescope?" - James Hogan, Mind Matters
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Nature abhors a vacuum. So does my sister's dog.
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Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, February 14, 2001
Elephants get hitched
By JIRAPORN WONGPAITHOON-- Associated Press
Bull Asian elephant Wo Ban (R) and his partner Ooyjai, both 24-years-old, gather for their "wedding" at a ceremony on Valentine's Day February 14, 2001 in Ayutthaya, the ancient former capital of Thailand. (REUTERS/Jason Reed)
AYUTHAYA, Thailand (AP) -- With a little help from their handlers, they made it to the altar on time.
Two pairs of elephants wearing flowing gowns embroidered with red hearts got married in an elaborate ceremony in the ancient Thai capital of Ayuthaya.
Carrying their handlers, or mahouts, the brides walked to a makeshift altar in front of a local department store, trailing a colorful matrimonial procession watched by hundreds of onlookers.
Sporting a pretty pink bow, Oi Jan (Sweetheart), 24, married Plai Bua Ban (Blossoming Lotus), 24, whose trunk was brightly painted. The other couple were 18-year-olds, Nam Peung (Honey) and Plai Nga Thong (Golden Tusk).
The brides were chosen from among 20 females at the Ayuthaya Elephant Shelter, 45 miles north of Bangkok, which cares for about 80 elephants that put on shows and give rides to tourists. The grooms work at a Thai seaside resort.
Brian Clarke, an American volunteer at the shelter, said the wedding was a way of giving more prominence to Thailand's national animal -- whose numbers have dropped sharply in recent decades as their use as beasts of burden has dwindled.
Two baby orphan elephants from neighboring Myanmar, also known as Burma, carried coin dowries of $238 in gold and silver bags, presented to the owners of the grooms.
Local officials checked the dowry, then helped the elephants put trunk prints on jumbo-sized marriage certificates, before presenting them with garlands of yellow flowers. The newlyweds then had their wedding photos taking at historic temple ruins nearby.