Daily Dose - 010317 - St. Patrick's Day jokes
Happy St Patrick's Day !
Let us start with a good Irish prayer....
God, bless those who love me, and bless those who hate me.
And please God, break those haters legs so I might see them as they limp past.
Amen"
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Irish Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Mick is appearing on the Irish version of 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'
Gaybo (presenter): Mick you've done very well so far - 500,000 and one lifeline left - phone a friend, the next question will give you the first ever Million if you get it right, but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to 32,000 - are you ready?"
Mick: "Sure I'll have a go"
Gaybo : "Which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?
Is it: A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Trush
Remember Mick it's worth 1 Million."
Mick: "I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....no I haven't got a clue. Can I phone a friend please Gay just to be sure?"
Gay: "Yes Mick who do you want to phone?"
Mick: "I'll phone Paddy back home in Ballygoon." (ringing)
Paddy: "Hello..."
Gay: "Hello Paddy, its Gay Byrne here from Who Wants To Be a Millionaire, I have Mick here and he is doing really well on 500,000 but needs your help to get the Million. The next voice you hear will be Mick's he'll explain the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Mick."
Mick: "Paddy, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest???.
"Is it: A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush!!!!"
Paddy: "Jesus Mick that's simple.....Its a Cuckoo.
Mick: "You think?"
Paddy: "I'm sure."
Mick: "Thanks Paddy." (hangs up)
Gay: "Well do you want to stick on 500,000 or play on for first ever million Mick?"
Mick: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo.
Gay: "Is that your final answer?"
Mick: "Final answer!"
Gay: "Confident?"
Mick: "Yes fairly, Paddy's a sound bet."
Gay: "Mick .....you had 500,000 and you said Cuckoo - You have just won a MILLION PUNTS. Here is your cheque - you have been a great contestant and a real gambler - audience please put your hands together for Mick." (clapping)
That night Mick calls Paddy and brings him down to the local pub to fill him full of drink and as they are sitting at the bar Mick turns to Paddy and asks. "Tell me Paddy!!! How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest, sure you know feck all about birds?????"
Paddy: "Listen Mick, everbody know that a feckin Cuckoo lives in a clock"!!!!!
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LIFE OF BUD NELSON
Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on Business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls.
"What are you doing?" asked the American.
"Oh, I'm selling skulls," replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St.
Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his soul.."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash.
Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub.
People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune.
Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.
"Goodness," said Bud, "what are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm selling skulls," replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his soul.."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's Correct!" said the Irishman.
"Well!", said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick."
"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now!...you see... This is St. Patrick when he was a boy!!"
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WORKING IRISH GIRL
An IRISH girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly.
She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing a fur and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said 'Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London.'
The girl took his hands and said 'Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years, but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute.'
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.
As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner - killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute, now? That was a close one - I thought you said Protestant!"
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A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9. So Murphy says, "Dat s easy" and proceeds to draw three tree's. The boss says,"What the hells that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine". Fair enough, says the boss.
Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir" he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says "each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n'dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99.
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "got it!" he makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir 100."
The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, Ha! got him this time. "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?
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DDL
There was a old girl of Kilkenny
Who'd open her legs for a penny.
For the half of that sum
You could fondle her bum -
A great consolation to many.
Though hopes for peace in Ireland fade
A joint public announcement is made.
"When you're out walking
Beware of green hawking
That follows St. Patrick's Parade."
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TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH:
1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception, passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968, to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 o'clock in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence
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Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.
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Many people die of thirst - but the Irish are born with one.
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An Irishman is not drunk as long as he can hold on to one blade of grass to keep from falling off the world.
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, November 24, 2000
Robber gets wish -- jail
EXETER, England (AP) -- Sean Beagh said he committed two robberies because he wanted to go to jail, where he would be safe from the Irish Republican Army.
He got his wish Friday -- despite pleading innocent -- after a jury took just 10 minutes to convict him and a judge sentenced him to eight years in prison.
Beagh, 48, a native of Limerick, Ireland, was convicted of robbing two branches of the Bradford and Bingley savings and loan of $1,950 and of $2,600 in June. In both cases he claimed to have a gun.
Prosecutor Jonathan Barnes asked Beagh whether he wanted to go to prison to be safe from the IRA, and Beagh replied: "Yes."
"Why not just plead guilty?" Barnes asked.
"Because I need to let my victims know although I committed this foul act I really believe I did it for the right reasons," Beagh replied.
Beagh told police he was being hunted by a group opposed to the IRA's cease-fire.
Judge Graham Cottle noted that Beagh made the same claim in 1993, when he was sentenced to six years in jail for two similar robberies.
In between the two recent robberies, Beagh wrote to police promising to surrender. He did so a day after the second robbery.