Daily Dose - 010313 - PINT OF BRANDY, WASHINGTON HILLBILLIES, Real Resignation Letters, 3 NUNS AND THE PARROT, DDL, Hey Martha
PINT OF BRANDY
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
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WASHINGTON HILLBILLIES
Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies
Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy named Bush
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush
He drank like a fish while he drove all about
But that didn't matter 'cus his daddy bailed him out
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
and that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.
The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place i wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said, "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.
Before the votes we counted, five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters, "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.
Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?
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Real Resignation Letters
In my never-ending search for material to brighten your day - I came across a great site with some of the best, real resignation letters you've ever seen.
Here're the first two....
The Resignation Letter of Mr. of Edinburgh, United Kingdom
Why did you resign? I Grew to hate the idea that my salary depended on bands like Steps, The Spice girls, Five, Billy Piper and all the other talant-less boy/girl bands that infest the charts.
What are you going to do next? Sell anything but music. Perhaps set up my own shop one day.
Job Title Assistant manager
Industry Retail
What is your salary expectation? £15,000 - £20,000
Dear xxxxx
I hate Steps! I hate the Spice Girls. I hate Bozyone. I hate RnB music. I loathe Billy Piper.
Keep your discount, its not worth it anymore. I'm off to sell soap, candles and wine glasses.
So-long Stinkbags.
P.S. I placed a huge order for all of the above before my day off.
P.P.S. Our managing director is a lunatic.
P.P.P.S. Sod your notice period.
*********
The Resignation Letter of Mr. LAG of Portsmouth, United Kingdom
Why did you resign? Repetitive strain injury
What are you going to do next? Become a tap dancer
Job Title Morse code translator
Industry Government / Public Sector
What is your salary expectation? £30,000 - £40,000
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3 NUNS AND THE PARROT
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black."
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot said, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
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DDL
"I have found," sighed a hooker named Hickel,
"That Chinese John's are kinky and fickle.
They screw me...then beat me...
And hungrily eat me -
And the worst is those chopsticks sure tickle!"
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People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
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An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
-- Spanish proverb
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A conscience does not prevent sin.
It only prevents you from enjoying it.
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, February 12, 2001
Indian Muslims blame TVs for quake
By HARISH JOSHI-- Associated Press
AHMADABAD, India (AP) -- Conservative Muslims are hurling their televisions off rooftops, torching them in piles and smashing them in the streets because they blame immoral broadcasts for the country's killer earthquake.
Muslim residents of Ahmadabad and Surat, 580 miles southwest of New Delhi, have destroyed hundreds of sets -- 400 in Surat alone -- after a Muslim cleric, Mufti Imtiaz, said television was the cause of the earthquake.
"The mufti has told us about the poisoning of minds through television, which has made the Almighty angry, and this is what caused the earthquake," said Abdulbhai Guliwala, a shopkeeper in the Dhalgarwad neighborhood of Ahmadabad, the commercial center of India's western Gujarat state.
On Sunday, television sets were piled in heaps and set aflame in five neighborhoods of Surat. Hundreds more were smashed in the Kalupur and Dariapur neighborhoods of Ahmadabad.
Guliwala said he hurled his television set off the roof of his house.
"I just carried out the order of the mufti," he said. "We have annoyed Allah. Can't you see the devastation caused by the earthquake?"
About 18,000 bodies have been recovered from the rubble across western India's Gujarat state since the 7.7-magnitude earthquake hit Jan. 26. State officials have said the death toll could be as high as 30,000.
Mufti Imtiaz smashed the first of the television sets in Khajuri Mosque in Dhalgarwad on Sunday.
Since then, the idea has raced through Muslim communities, spread in part by a recorded message from the cleric that was distributed throughout the state. In Panch Kuva, 22 Muslims brought out their televisions and destroyed them at the same time.
Residents around two Ahmadabad mosques smashed their sets, and young men from the Baluchwad neighborhood carried televisions into the streets to destroy them in public.
Mufti Imtiaz could not be contacted for comment. His office said he was traveling through the quake-hit Kutch region of Gujarat.