Daily Dose - 010311 - mother-in-law, Billy Graham Crusade, Torturing Telemarketers, Military Intelligence, DDL, Hey Martha
John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."
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A man attended a Billy Graham Crusade. When the very emotional sermon was over, Reverend Graham asked those who'd been moved by the Lord to come forward.
The man had really been taken by the sermon and came forward to shake hands with Graham.
When the man got to the Reverend, Graham held his hands up, grabbed the microphone, stopped the music, and waved for silence. "My dear man, who put those clothes on your body?"
The man replied, "The Lord did!"
"AMEN" shouted the congregation.
"My good man, who put food on your table?"
"The good Lord did, Reverend!" the man shouted.
"AMEN! Hallelujah!" the crowd roared in response.
"My good fellow, who put that smile on your face and a rosey look to your cheeks?"
"Reverend, it was the Lord!"
"PRAISE GOD!" the crowd cheered.
Reverend Graham again raised his hands and called for silence. "Now, kind sir, what did the Devil ever do for you?"
The man thought for a second. "Nothing. Fuck him."
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Torturing Telemarketers
NEWSPAPERS AND MAGAZINES
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When a newspaper calls wanting you to subscribe, listen to all they have to say and sound real excited about getting it. Ask to be put on the list for the Braille edition.
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I already subscribe to your newspaper, and I only use it to line the bottom of my birdcage. You should see the patterns Polly likes to make on them! My dog likes to fetch it too, have you seen that movie with that guy that was on the front page of the paper the other day? I seen it and it was pretty dumb. (ramble on and on until they hang up... then call them back if you can and continue with your conversation)
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Finally! I've been waiting for this moment for a long time! What page am I going to be on? I always knew you were going to put me in the newspaper!! Wait... I need to call a couple of friends to tell them to get a copy. What day are you coming over to take my picture?
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"I work in a library... I read for free."
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If it is a company offering to sell you newspapers (or anything else) at half price, for a year. Ask them if you can get it for half a year for free. I know that this makes no sense mathematically, but it sure confuses the moron on the other end of the line. Persist. Nothing annoys them more than persistence. Who knows, you might just get it.
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A telemarketer once called our house selling magazine subscriptions. My wife kept him on the phone for a full twenty minutes expressing interest in every magazine he offered. I could just imagine how excited he was at the prospect of a huge sale.
After a lengthy conversation he tried to close the sale, at which time my wife informed him that he was real nice and his offers seemed truly exciting but that she couldn't place an order. "Why not?" he asked. "I'm blind," my wife responded.
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I get a lot of newspaper/magazine telemarketing junk calls. It goes something like "Hi, this is Bob from the Blah Blah Newspaper, we would like to offer you a great deal if you sign up for our paper for the next 99 weeks or so" and I invariably reply "No way, thanks." They will ALWAYS ask "Well, why not?!" To this, I reply "Well, I used to subscribe to it and didn't like it, so I started lining the bottom of my birdcage with it and it sucked so bad it gave my cockatoo a rash! By the way, where can I mail the vet's bill?"
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TM: Good afternoon, may I speak with Mr. Black?
ME: (really strong foreign accent): Yahhhh..???
TM: (Goes into long sales spiel).... Then waits for feedback
ME: Ahhh!! Yahhhh!! Magazine!!! Yooo give me mah-gah-zeen!!!
TM: Uh... No, Sir... We are selling offering you a subscription to...
ME: Yes!!! Yes! Yes! Mah-gah-zeen! Like mah-gah-zeen! (shouting into the background): Maria! Maria! Maria! Man give me mah-gah-zeen!
I keep this up till the telemarketer gets frustrated by my apparent lack of knowledge of English and hangs up, or asks to speak to someone in the household who speaks English a little better.
At this point I hand over the phone to a friend or my g.f. who speaks NOTHING but gibberish (Or a real actual foreign language that you KNOW the TM will not speak)...
TM: Hello?
FRIEND: AHHHH!!!! Yaga ma zee tu neetolu fa mageh he zodizodi yaha metz wayeee tu nikolumasahafa gehh!! ZO la? Maahhh--gaahhhh-zeeeennn, YAH?
By this time the TM is always too frustrated to go on and just hangs up!
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After explaining all of the "benefits" of the newspaper/mag, announce to the TM that you are illiterate. Silence. If he/she tries to continue the call, try to get him/her to teach you to read.
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I'm already a subscriber to your newspaper because I can't afford toilet paper....
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The difference in "Military Intelligence"
Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."
Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"
Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"
Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"
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DDL
Some people ask "Where have you been?
Have you been living in sin?"
I don't mind confiding,
I've been somewhere in hiding,
With a hooker, some penguins, and gin.
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'Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools, and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.' -Thornton Wilder
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And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your night-dress. - Basil Fawlty
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Loyalty isn't standing by someone when he's right... that's good judgement. Loyalty is standing by someone when he's wrong. - Susan Estrich
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, December 4, 2000
Beijing toilets to become four-star
BEIJING (AP) -- Looking for a four-star bathroom?
Check out Beijing, where only those commodes with granite floors, lively music and automatic flushing get such an honor.
Motivated in part by its bid for the 2008 Olympics, China's capital is cleaning up its act, ranking toilets with up to four stars to encourage better hygiene.
Beijing officials agreed to a two-year renovation plan for 452 public toilets at 305 tourist sites, the communist government's official newspaper reported Monday.
Toilets will be rated on 58 qualities -- from decor to management, the China Daily said.
Among Beijing's roughly 4 million annual visitors, filthy toilets are a top complaint, accounting for a fifth of the 206 complaints lodged with the Beijing Consumers' Association during the weeklong National Day holiday, the China Daily said.
Beijing, Toronto, Osaka, Paris and Istanbul, are bidding for the 2008 Olympics. The International Olympic Committee selects the host city in July.