Daily Dose - 010228 - Welsh jokes in honour of St. David's Day tomorrow

Since tomorrow is March 1st, and St. David's Day in Wales, today's mailing is dedicated to our Welsh compatriots. (apologies to John and Mark...)

Don't forget to eat a raw leek tomorrow !!!

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Definition of a Welshman:

aa Irishman that could swim.

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Two Welsh women were overheard talking in a Croes-Y-Ceilog bus Queue:

Woman 1 "Have you heard, Megan Hughes is getting married."
Woman 2 "Getting married? I didn't even know she was pregnant."
Woman 1 "Megan's not pregnant."
Woman 2 "Not pregnant and still getting married! There's posh for you."

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There was this bloke standing on the top of the WDA building in Cardiff, and by all accounts he was going to jump!

The rescue team got to him and tried to find out what his problem was.

"I come from a small village in Powys" he explained, "my name is Dai Jones" "So what's the problem" asked the negotiator.

"About twenty years ago I saved a young boy from drowning but they didn't call me Jones the Lifesaver. Later that year I put out a fire that was threatening a stable, they didn't call me Jones the Firefighter. The next year I wrote an award-winning novel, they didn't call me Jones the Author, and then I made a film, but they didn't call me Jones the Director. Since then I've been a baker and a butcher, but I'm not Jones the Baker or Jones the Butcher, I've made shoes and fished in the Atlantic, but I'm not Jones the Cobbler or Jones the Fisherman...

... but I shag one bloody sheep....!!!"

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Q. What do you call a Welshman with a stick up his arse?

A. A Taffy Apple

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Voicing an Opinion

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He decides he'll have a little fun.

The ventriloquist says "Hello. Fine looking dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

"The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git." The Welshman replied

"Hey dog, how's it going old mate?" The ventriloquist asked

"Doin' alright." Responded the dog. The Welshman looked extremely shocked.

"Is this Taffy your owner?" pointing at Welshman

"Yep" said the dog:.

"How does he treat you?"

"Really good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The ventriloquist asks the disbelieving Welshman "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

"Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think." Replied the Welshman

"Hey horse, how's it going?"

"Cool." Replied the horse

"Is this your owner?" asked the ventriloquist pointing at astounded Welshman

"Yep"

"How's he treat you?"

"Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often," The horse responded. "and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Then the ventriloquist asked "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

"The sheep's a liar." Replied the Welshman

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What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Merthyr? (A town in Wales)

A leisure centre.

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What do you call a Welshman with 500 girl friends?

A Shepherd

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Why did the Welsh navy get lost at sea?
They lost their sheep to shore radio.

What happened when they found it?
They radioed a ewe-boat.

What happened to the ewe-boat?
Ask the English, they rammed it!

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"There were three men, an Irishman, an Englishman and a Welshman, and they all climbed up to the top of a cliff. At the top they met a man, and the man said "if you can take your watch and drop it down the cliff, catch it again and bring it back up I will give you £500."

The Englishman thought he could do it, so he dropped his watch and ran all the way down to the bottom of the cliff, and he came back up with his watch in pieces.

The Irishman thought he could do it as well, so he dropped his watch and jumped down the cliff and came back with his watch intact, but he was on a stretcher.

The Welshman thought he could do it as well, so he dropped his watch and walked slowly down the cliff, and he came back up with his watch working.

The man said, "how in the world did you do that?"

"I set my watch back two hours," said the Welshman.

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Welsh DDLs

A young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
While bent over plucking a dingle
Had the whole Eisteddfod
Taking turns at his pod
While they sang some impossible jingle.

There was a young man of Llanelly
Who played the piano on the telly.
His tinkling scales
Delighted all Wales,
But the folk of Llanelly ethpethially

Night's bible-black darkness prevails
In a small seaside village in Wales;
Where the neighbours have dreams
That burst out of the seams,
To reveal some immodest details.

There was an old lady of Wales,
Who lived upon whisky and snails.
On growing a shell,
She exclaimled, "What the Hell!
It will save me on bonnets and veils."

Some unseemly snorkelers from Wales
Were arrested and sent off to jails,
For acts most immoral
Among the reefs coral,
Such as writing graffiti on snails.

Said a foolish young lady of Wales:
'A smell of escaped gas prevails.'
Then she searched with a light,
And later that night,
Was collected in several pails.

There once was a sailor from Wales,
An expert at pissing in gales.
He could piss in a jar,
From the top-gallant spar,
Without wetting so much as the sails.

Said a salty old skipper of Wales,
"Number One, It's all right to chew nails.
It impresses the crew.
It impresses me too.
But stop shitting holes in the sails."

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Welsh Bizarre News

Is This The Face Of A Criminal?

Wrexham, Wales - Police arrested two 16 year old vandals who broke into an office building within 24 hours of the break in.

How? The young vandals were playing around with the copying machine by pressing their faces against the copier, making several copies.

When they fled, several perfect copies of their faces were found in the nearby trash.

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Welsh Professor's Mussel Stressed

University of Wales - The previously prestigious University of Wales has spent thousands of dollars examining the question whether mussels can suffer panic attacks.

Yes, that's right, some professor decided this was an important question to answer so researchers placed dog whelks, which eat mussels, in a tank and monitored the mussels' heart beat.

The results? Mussels' heartbeats increased for up to 24 hours even after the dog whelks were removed.

[I Wonder if Ritalin was spiked into the water afterwards?]

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There Was A Full Moon In South Africa Last Night

CAPE TOWN, South Africa - A 21-year-old Welsh tourist who fell out of the back of a bus on a busy highway while baring his buttocks to passing motorists was recovering from his injuries in a hospital Wednesday, officials said.

"His condition is stable. There are no concerns that something more might come up," a hospital spokeswoman said, adding that his injuries were not life threatening.

[You can always count on a Welshman to act with poise and aplomb. Now an Irishman, on the other hand, would have bounced.]

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Welsh Hey Martha (true) - sorry this is a recent repeat....

Thursday, August 31, 2000

'Dull' vigilantes target MD

LONDON (AP) -- Vigilantes vandalized the home of a prominent children's doctor in Wales, apparently after confusing her title of pediatrician with pedophile, police said.

Dr. Yvette Cloete, a specialist in pediatric medicine at the Royal Gwent Hospital, fled her home after her windows and front door were spray-painted with the word "paedo" -- an abbreviation for the British spelling "paedophile," said Karl Close, chief inspector with the Gwent Police.

"Are they just so dull they don't realize the difference between the two?" Close asked of the attack, which took place Saturday.

"This is a pediatrician who is committed to helping children and somebody targeted her."

Britain has seen a rash of vigilante attacks -- most against victims of mistaken identity -- since the News of the World sensational newspaper published pictures of sex offenders this summer. Across Britain, several people who shared surnames with alleged offenders named by the paper also have had their homes attacked.

The country has been obsessed with the subject of pedophiles since July, when the naked body of an eight-year-old girl was discovered in a South England field, two weeks after she disappeared while playing outside.

Cloete said she has moved into a friend's home and did not plan to return to the rented house, where she lived with her 24-year-old brother Andre. Police said they were satisfied neither sibling had any connection to pedophilia and the doctor was the intended target of the attack.

"It is just unbelievable," she said Wednesday.

"It is terrible that people think that they have the right to vandalize your property like this, no matter what you have done."

"You think that your home is a place to go to be safe, so it is a shock when something like this happens," Cloete said.

"I suppose I'm really a victim of ignorance."

Close said police were making inquiries but had not yet made any arrests.

In Portsmouth, England, about 110 kilometres southwest of London, police said five innocent families have so far been forced to leave their homes after threats from neighbours.

One man was reported suspected of pedophilia simply because he lived alone and talked about how much he loved his mother.

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Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?".

God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds: "Look son, look what I'm after making."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

God replied, "It's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's north America and south America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south."

And then the archangel said, "And what's that green dot there?"

And God said "Ahhh that's Wales--that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth: Beautiful mountains, valleys, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters."

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, but then seeming startled, he proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance... "

God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the f*****s I'm putting next door to them."

(thanks John)