Daily Dose - 010227 - daughter was very cold, National Lampoon, power line, short poem, DDL, Hey Martha
Today's 'Dose" is dedicated to Curt, leaving Wafra today for Khazakstan, after 4 years here.
Cheers mate....
The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room. "I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."
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National Lampoon (satire)
Ralph Nader Elected to Highest OFFICE SUPERSTORE in Nation
WASHINGTON -- Yesterday Ralph Nader, the Green Party candidate, was elected the new manager of a Denver area Staples, geographically the highest Office Superstore in the nation.
"I am very proud and pleased, America," said a teary-eyed Nader from the employees only lounge in the store’s back recesses. "You elected me for the promises I made to help change this country, and I fully intend to do just that, one rubber band at a time."
Nader was sworn in by STAPLES Mid-West district head of operations Lyle Witherspoon, Republican, in a quiet ceremony by the parking lot’s side entrance.
"Ralph," said the honorable Witherspoon. "Do you want this job or not? I’m doing this as a favor to my cousin, God knows how she wound up in your family."
"I," intoned a very serious Nader, "solemnly pledge that I shall faithfully observe the company policy, especially regarding sexual harassment, and all the laws of the good sales pitch and that I shall do my duty to the best of my knowledge and conscience and will stick to the time sheets."
As many as four people then cheered in what may be construed as an enthusiastic manner.
Nader is planning to switch all copy center paper supplies to a minimum 60% recycled materials level by 2002, and has sworn to continue the fight for equality for women and the underprivileged -in between shifts, if I’m not too shagged out."
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Train Crash Result of Bad Math
TENNGA, GA -- A bus traveling east at fifty-five miles-per-hour struck a train traveling south at 60 mph in what authorities are claiming is the result of poor math on the part of the bus driver.
"The bus and train started forty miles apart, and since they were traveling perpendicular to each other, forty becomes the hypotenuse of this imaginary triangle," investigating officer Stan Lubick explained to a pack of confused reporters. "Therefore, forty squared equals the distance the bus travels - a factor of time and speed - squared, plus the distance the train travels squared."
And while Amtrak maintains that all its conductors are familiar with train-related word problems, bus drivers typically score poorly in the math portion of their SAT’s.
Attorneys for the bus driver, however, argue that it wasn’t the train problem that led to their client’s mistake, but an earlier drinking problem. "He started with a twelve-pack of beer, and after giving two to a friend and drinking some himself, he had one beer left over," explained the lawyer, "which he unfortunately calculated as drinking three."
The correct answer, however, is nine beers, which according to state alcohol guidelines, makes any fast-moving freight train appear to be a soft, shiny place in which to park your bus.
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An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture.
The Amish man said, "No, you can not."
"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show him your paper!"
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A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.
The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher's pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby . . . if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think I can!"
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DDL
A holiday guest on the coast
Ordered breakfast of beans upon toast.
When he left for the station,
His loud eructation
Embarrassed his well-meaning host.
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"A woman's body is a work of art. A man's body is a utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. It's like a Jeep." - Elain on Seinfeld, on why men shouldn't walk around naked.
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"If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." (Albert Einstein)
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A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, November 23, 2000
Granny's grenade causes havoc
By PAUL COWAN -- Edmonton Sun
EDMONTON -- A granny with a grenade sent cops packing from a city police station.
The drama began when a 73-year-old woman walked into the Old Strathcona community station and pulled a hand grenade from her purse - and asked if it was dangerous.
"The second I saw it I knew what it was and the pin was out," said Sgt. Lance Lillies of the Tuesday terror. "There was no point taking a chance, so we had to evacuate the station. "If it had been dropped or fallen the wrong way, there was risk it would go off."
Police bomb experts went into the station after the senior, eight officers, two civilian volunteers and a prisoner were out of the building at 7903 104 St.
The woman, who said her husband years ago brought the grenade back as a war souvenir, wanted to keep it, said station officer Const. Ian MacKechnie.
"I told her she couldn't do that I don't think she was very happy about it."
Police brought in an explosives expert from the Edmonton Garrison who took the grenade back to the base for disposal.
Bomb disposal expert Master Cpl. Christine Levy yesterday destroyed the grenade, which she thought dated back to the Second World War.
"It was impossible to find out if there was any explosive in it without cracking it open with an explosive charge," she said.
"From the way it cracked I'd say that someone had taken the explosive out at some time in the past."
The cops said yesterday said they would prefer people not to bring explosives to their stations.
"I think the message we'd like to get out is if you have something like this, we'll come to you, don't come to us," said Lillies. "This could have exploded while being transported to the station and a lot of people could have been injured or killed."