Daily Dose - 010224 - Iraqi and Kuwaiti Jokes
In honour of the 10th anniversary of Liberation day here in Kuwait - here are some Iraqi and Kuwaiti jokes. They're old - but so what ?
Security Guard Moves Slightly
WAFRA KUWAIT--JO Gate Security Guard Mohammad Abdul was detected making a slight movement Monday, sending shockwaves through the gate scurity guard industry.
"He was sitting in his little booth, inert as usual, when his head turned about two degrees to the right," witness Hamed Ali said. "I thought I was seeing things, but then, about 30 seconds later, he shifted a tiny bit in his seat."
Monday's incident is the first reported case of gate security guard motion since August 1990, when an Ahmadi guard was seen scratching his cheek.
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How to drive in Kuwait
· Turn signal lights are for "infidels" - not to be used in any circumstance.
· Lane markers are decorations. Always straddle them.
· Speed limits are for those without "Wasta" (influence) - always exceed them. The faster you are, the more important you must be.
· Traffic jams are invitations to queue jump.
· Headlights aren't to be used in the dark. They are only for flashing at traffic in the lane in front of you.
· Dish-dashas always have right of way, followed by cops and abayas, then westerners. Everyone else waits.
· Any un-occupied ground is a legitimate parking spot. Feel free to park in the middle of the highway. Trust in Allah to protect.
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(So this old Kuwaiti (Hajji) goes to the doctor, very alarmed...)
Hajji - Doctor, I've got this very embarrassing problem. Last night I was trying to make love to my wife and I found that I couldn't get an erection!
Doctor - Don't worry, I've got just the thing - there's this new drug just in from the United States called Viagra. It costs 100 KD a pill, but I think it could be just the thing for your case.
Hajji - So how does it work?
Doctor, Well, you take one pill, and after an hour you'll have a rock-hard erection that will last at least four hours. In fact it's so powerful that it's dangerous *not* to have sex while you're under the influence. I'll tell you what, I'll give you ten pills, and you can take one now and surprise your wife when you get home. Just pay my receptionist on the way out.
(So Hajji swallows the pill, gets into his Cadillac and drives back to Jahra. On the way he feels a familiar stirring in his dishdasha, and by the time he gets home it's like he's got a dachshund welded on. He bursts into the house to find - no wife! Just a note saying "gone to the souk - back later". The only sound is the maid pottering around upstairs. Hajji remembers the doctor's warning, gets out his cellular and calls the surgery....)
Hajji - Doctor, there's an emergency! I feel like I'm about to explode, but my wife won't be back until this evening. What shall I do?
Doctor - Oh dear, this could be serious. Are there any other women around?
Hajji - Yes, the maid is upstairs.
Doctor - What's she like?
Hajji - Oh, you know - about 18, a bit underpaid...
Doctor - There's nothing for it, I'm afraid. You're going to have to use her instead.
Hajji - I don't think I like that idea, doctor - it seems like a waste of 100 KD.
Doctor - What do you mean?
Hajji - Well, I was with my wife when I had the problem. I can get an erection with the maid any time I want!
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Classic flight attendant quote:
"We are about to land in Kuwait - please set your watches back 500 years" - reputed to have cost the Lufthansa stewardess her job.
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"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
· A. Whitney Brown
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Q: Why are there always at least three Kuwaiti police officers on a suburban roadblock?
A: One who can read the numbers on your license, one who can read your name on it, and one to watch these two intellectuals.
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You know you have been in Kuwait too long when:
- You enjoy camping in the sand
- You're not surprised to see a goat or sheep in the passenger seat (it's happened - honest ! )
- You think the uncut version of "Little House on the Prairie" is provocative
- You serve your coffee in a thimble
- You expect the confirmation of you airline reservation to be "inshallah"
- You think everyone's first name is Al
- You don't expect to eat dinner until 11:30 PM
- You need a sweater when it's 80 degrees Fahrenheit
- You think only KD 500 is a good price
- You enjoy Channel 2 and wait for "close down with Holy Quran"
- Your ideal vacation is anywhere you can eat a pig (ain't this the truth...)
- You think cars are available only in white
- Your idea of housework is leaving a list for the maid
- You understand "no problem" means follow up and follow up
- You measure success in coming home from the shopping without some sort of a confrontation
- You own more four or more wrist watches
- You think black is appropriate daytime wear
- You can judge a perfect "10" by her ankle
- You think carpets belong on the wall
- Your favourite hamburger chain features a goat for a logo
- You think anyone in a dishdaha and carrying a cane is out to get you
- You turn up the air conditioning to write Christmas Cards
- You enjoy the "Arab Times" because of the quality of editorials
- You know which end of a shwarma to unwrap first
- You think the further you inch into the middle of the intersection, the faster the light will turn green
- You carry an umbrella and it isn't raining
- You give directions by landmarks
- You think all gas stations are made of marble
- You think a desert storm is a war
- You think being liberated means sitting in the family section
- You think a red light means run it
- You think only men should hold hands in public
- You can't buy anything without asking for a discount
- You have more carpets than floor space
- There is a direct correlation between the acceleration of the car in front of you and the speed at which you can blow horn when the light turns green
- You make left turns from the far right lane
- You think Pepsi begins with a "B"
- You send friends a map instead of your address
- You think Kleenex box belongs on the dinner table
- You think the biggest event of the year is the camel races
- You resign your position a year in advance
- You think water only comes in bottles
- You think cats really do live in trash cans
- You are shocked when you go to a wedding and you learn that the couple getting married are not cousins
- You think that living with the in-laws really is a lot of fun
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Saddam Hussein Jokes
Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
A: Turkey.
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.
Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in an Iraqi light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.
Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-52
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
A. He elected to receive
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Now that's magic!
A man walks into a bar and asks for a shot. After he drinks it he looks into his shirt pocket shakes his head and asks for another one.
This goes on for a few hours until the bartender starts getting curious. He walks up to the man and asks him what the hell he's doing "This is the way it goes", he answers, " I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, I drink until she looks good and then I can finally go home."
The same man is walking through a mountain path. After walking for five days he finds a cave on the mountain side. He goes inside and finds a lantern.
While he's trying to light it he accidentally rubs it and *poof*, a genie appears. "You are my master", the genie says. "Your wish is my command, tell me any single wish and I will grant it".
The man is totally astounded and shakingly asks, "I wish you could make Iraq be at peace with the world".
The genie, quite embarrassed, answers, "Listen I'd love to grant your wish but I don't know where that is."
The man answers, "Well I got a picture of my wife here. My wish is that you make her beautiful."
The genie takes one look at the picture and quickly replies, "Where did you say this Iraq is?"
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Iraqi DDLs
Mr. Saddam Hussien of Iraq,
has a smelly Arabian crack;
it was not the scud rocket,
that stunk up his socket,
but his brother, his dog, and a yak...
Let's remember Pearl Harbor again
And vow that we'll always make plain
That we'll take no crap
From Iraqi or Jap
As we recently proved with Hussein ...
Though THAT war we don't count a loss
Over this point we shouldn't now gloss:
We've caused millions great pain
Just to "punish" Hussein
It's so good that we've shown him who's boss...
On the Gulf, the Iraqi top brass
Keep watch on all warships that pass.
They can tell, sure as shit,
That a frigate's a Brit
If a price-tag's affixed to its arse.
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, July 14, 1999
Iraqis make up new insult for Clinton
BAGHDAD (AP) -- Iraqis rarely lose an opportunity to hurl vitriolic jibes at the United States and President Bill Clinton. This time Clinton is being compared to a cockroach.
"They have the colour of Clinton and they invaded Basra," the Al-Ittehad weekly newspaper said Tuesday in a banner headline on a report about a species of pink roaches that have recently infested the southern port city of Basra.
Basra, 500 kilometres south of Baghdad, was heavily bombed by the U.S.-led allied forces during the 1991 Gulf War.
Al-Ittehad quoted Dr. Alem Abdel Hamid, dean of the Medical College in Basra, as saying the roaches that have appeared in Basra's homes, hotels, restaurants and drains, are bigger than normal and are "almost red in colour."
"Their Latin name is periplaneta americana and their going name is American cockroaches," he was quoted as saying, adding that the bugs are becoming a public health menace.
Iraqis apparently feel that Clinton is, or should be, red-faced about his sex scandal with White House intern Monica Lewinsky.
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A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation.
"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines."