Daily Dose - 010220 - practical joke, kindler and gentler Hell, Torturing Telemarketers, he-ing and she-ing, DDL, Hey Martha
The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly shitfaced.
A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.
The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you've got work to do."
"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head."
"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this hungover a thousand times."
"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"
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Amanpreet had died and, naturally, wound up in Hell.
He was met by the Devil and was told that Hell was now a "kindler and gentler" place. Each person was offered three choices of torture. The devil explained that these tortures ran in a thousand year cycle and you could pick which cycle to being with.
'Preet went with the Devil down the hall where Jon was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. 'Preet told the Devil he'd "pass" on that one.
On down the hall to where Brian was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. Old Lizard Pecker shook his head over this one, too.
Finally, there was Joseph, strapped to the wall, naked as a jaybird. A very gorgeous woman was performing oral sex upon him. Amanpreet said, "Yes, yes, this is where I want to start."
The Devil said, "You sure? This lasts for a thousand years, you know."
"Yes, I'm sure. This is the place."
"Ok," said the Devil. He walked to the beautiful blonde, tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Your replacement's here."
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Torturing Telemarketers
LIGHT BULBS
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Being a lighting distributor that also hates telemarketing, I have some suggestions for those moments when a telemarketer calls to sell you light bulbs. These questions are based on actual light bulb terminology, which will arouse enough suspicion to keep them interested but doubtful. I like to end the call telling them that from what they are selling the bulbs for, I could probably make them a much better deal on them and would love to come to their office and make a sales pitch. I also like to them that they should support a locally owned small business like mine.
At times it is questionable if these organizations really have handicapped people working for them. Don’t be afraid to ask what the handicap is of the person you are talking to. If they are presenting themselves to you as a handicapped person, you have a right to ask. If it is some dubious handicap, have fun and make every rude suggestion about what they can do about it. I once had one of these people tell me they had a hangnail and fake surprise when I stated that I had one once and I got it taken care of.
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Start by asking what type of filament the light bulbs have.
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Is it a CC-9 or just a C-9?
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Are they frosted or clear?
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Do they contain mercury? I understand some manufacturers have low mercury ones that are better for the planet.
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Is there solder in them or are they lead free? I ‘m very concerned about the environment.
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Is the socket part aluminum or brass? When they answer, tell them you like the other kind better.
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Does your price include installation? How many people at your company does it take to change a light bulb?
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Are these light bulbs approved by The Illuminating Engineering Society?
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How many footcandles do they put out? If they have the answer, ask them what a footcandle is.
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How many lumens do they put out? Again, if they answer, ask them to explain what a lumen is to you.
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When you’ve had enough tell them, no thanks, I own a lighting business and we sell those to hotels and apartment buildings every day for 33 cents each in cases of 120.
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The beauty of this in my town is that the next number they call is my parents who tell them "No thanks, my son owns a light bulb company and we just get them from him."
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The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!"
Half of his congregation stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing to stand up!"
A couple of men stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing to stand up!"
Several women stood up.
The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie. The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?
"Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!"
Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!"
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DDL
One day as I fished on the sea
A mermaid came visiting me
Though just right on top
T'other end was a flop
With no parts to show she was a she.
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Sally told her girlfriend, "I was so worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was so relieved when he told me that all I needed was blinker fluid!"
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I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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"The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed."
-- Abbey Hoffman
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Hey Martha (true)
Saturday, December 30, 2000
Baby charged with more than a dozen trades
MANALAPAN, N.J. (AP) -- A typo at TD Waterhouse almost cost a 6-month-old her college fund when the top securities firm accidentally charged more than a dozen trades to her name.
Trading on margin -- paying a small percentage of transaction costs and borrowing the remainder from a brokerage firm -- is not permitted for custodial accounts like Shayna Glanzer's. But that's exactly what happened to her account, charged for 15 margin trades in three days.
The baby's father, Jeff McKay, said a Waterhouse executive on Thursday blamed the mix-up on a lost wallet. Its owner, another customer, was issued a new account number almost identical to Shayna's.
The information, however, was entered manually -- and erroneously. Transaction costs for the other customer's trades were billed to Shayna.
McKay discovered the keystroke slip on Tuesday, when his daughter received a letter telling her to pay $2,500 or forfeit her assets.
Spokeswoman Melissa Gitter said the error was resolved Wednesday afternoon, and the family, which has five accounts with TD Waterhouse, will receive trading credits from the company.
"They offered me five free trades for my trouble, but I'm a little disillusioned," McKay said.