Daily Dose - 010219 - Made it to Heaven, The Present, BIZARRE NEWS, Dear Abby, DDL, Hey Martha
Made it to Heaven?
A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."
"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."
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The Present
Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
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BIZARRE NEWS.....
Bizarre Political Insults
"He makes George Bush seem like a personality"
- Jackie Mason on John Major.
"He is a sheep in sheep's clothing"
- Winston Churchill on Clement Attlee.
"Winston, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee."
"Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it."
- A conversation between Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill.
"He could not see a belt without hitting below it."
- Margot Asquith on David Lloyd George.
"Richard Nixon impeached himself. He gave us Gerald Ford as his revenge."
- U.S. politician Bella Abzug on Tricky Dickie.
"Nixon's motto was, 'If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
- U.S. writer Norman Cousins.
"Gerry Ford is so dumb that he can't fart and chew gum at the same time."
- former U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson.
"He is not only a bore, but he bores England."
- Malcom Muggeridge on Anthony Eden.
"I wouldn't say she is open-minded on the Middle East, so much as empty-headed. She probably thinks Sinai is the plural of sinus."
- Jonathan Aitken on Margaret Hatcher.
"Harry Truman proves that old adage that any man can become President of the United States."
- U.S. politician Norman Thomas.
"A shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Harold Wilson on Edward Heath.
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Goodness, Gracious, Great Boobs of Fire
SCRANTON, Pennsylvania - Patricia Ryan, a stripper at the Cabaret Nightclub, had a routine that kept audiences riveted. During her performance she would "breathe fire" using 151-proof rum.
Unfortunately, during one performance, some of the alcohol dribbled onto her breasts and ignited, giving her second degree burns.
Ryan subsequently sued the club, claiming they didn't have the proper safety equipment and that fellow employees didn't act quickly enough to help her.
The now ex-stripper was awarded $360,000. That's comes to about 180 thousand per breast.
[I'm surprised the audience didn't rush to smother the flames.]
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Police Get to the Bottom of Matters
MIAMI, Florida - Miami police sought to "get to the bottom" of a case where a 16-year-old student accused a US school official of having sexual relations with her in his apartment after school.
The girl reportedly told police that she could prove it happened by disclosing the fact that the dean had a distinguishing birthmark on his buttocks.
So the police, armed with a search warrant, ordered the dean to drop 'em. Whereupon they found the exact birthmark described by the girl.
The dean claims the girl made up the story about having sex with him after he rejected her advances.
The dean has been charged with two counts of familial custodial sexual battery and has been placed on administrative leave by his school.
His lawyer has told reporters that he maintains his innocence.
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Doctor Restores Virginity to Patients
LOS ANGELES - It can only happen in LA! Dr. David Matlock, head of Los Angeles's Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Clinic, does procedures on patients to tighten their vaginas, modify labias and to even install a new hymen if they want to be a virgin again.
Matlock's clients have claimed that the designer Laser Vaginoplasty can enhance not only your labia but your self-image.
Apparently, the hymenalplasty can also save lives, especially in the Middle East where young women about to get married may literally be killed if they are not a virgin. The groom's side of the family reportedly can pick whatever doctor they want to determine whether or not she's a virgin, to determine whether she's worth it or not to be married to their son.
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Prince Lends His Support to Breast Pillow
WALES - The Prince of Wales has helped a company to start selling pillows in the shape of breasts.
Ben Holst from Brighton has set up the TitPillow Company after receiving a grant from the Prince's Trust.
He has sold 30 of the pillows so far, which are available at his website.
According to Holst, the pillows "just come in one color and size, but I am quite keen to make a gigantic version." He added, "I thought it would be funny to go to sleep between a pair of breasts every night."
On the website, it is stated that a portion of the proceeds will go to breast cancer research and features a picture of Mr. Holst with his head nestled in a cleavage.
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Hundreds Seek To Become Creature Sweepers
STROUDSBURG, Pa - A recent job posting for the State Transportation Department broke records for people wanting to interview.
The job? Earning $25,000 a year picking up road kill off the highways.
Only three positions needed to be filled but had over 300 applicants.
One applicant told a reporter, "That's Bambi lying on the road and somebody needs to pick up those creatures before kids see 'em."
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Kidnapper Thrashed by Victim
A Coos Bay, Oregon man was guilty of bad judgment as well as assault when he attempted to abduct a 15-year-old girl.
After wrestling her into his truck and driving off, the tough teen knocked him unconscious against the steering wheel.
She then rolled the truck off a 20-foot embankment, crashing it on the rocky beach below.
The girl told police she has taken several self-defense classes.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
A hermit living outside Caracas, Venezuela, bet his neighbors that he could prove his supernatural abilities by hypnotizing a jaguar.
The man lost the bet and his left arm when the jaguar failed to notice his hypnotic powers....
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Dear Abby
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much on me I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Signed, Wondering.
Dear Wondering. The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Signed, Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.
Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Signed, Rose
Dear Rose, So would I.
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DDL
The Astronomy students would tell,
Their female professor, Miss Nell.
We want you to train us,
To look at Uranus,
And catch sight of your pussy as well.
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Life is like a penis:
When it's soft, you can't beat it, and when it's hard, you get f*cked!
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Your Daily Horoscope:
It's a good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
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"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
-- W. C. Fields
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, October 26, 2000
He did what? For how much?
By PAT ST. GERMAIN -- Winnipeg Sun
WINNIPEG -- Some people may think he's a boob, but former Winnipegger Brian Zembic was tittering all the way to the bank after he got breast implants on a $100,000 bet. And he liked his size 38C globes so much, he decided to keep them.
The professional gambler bares his pasty-clad boys on The Man Show on The Comedy Network tonight, but only after a coy warning to hosts Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla.
"They've started to sag because I was only supposed to have them in for a year ... it's been 21/2 years," Zembic says, before opening his shirt.
The show aired on Comedy Central in the U.S. in the summer 1999 and is one of many publicity stunts Zembic racked up in recent years.
Fox Searchlight greenlighted a movie -- tentatively titled Stacked -- based on his life. Reportedly, comedian Drew Carey wants to star.
Back home in Manitoba, Zembic's perfectly sane family think he's a hoot.
"I saw him on the Sally Jesse Raphael show, that was hilarious," Zembic's dad, Albert, said last week.
One of Zembic's three brothers, Greg, 45, is equally sanguine about the chest puppets Brian acquired in 1996. "Someone bet him $30,000 one time that he wouldn't spend a month in a bathroom and he did it."
Brian, who could not be reached by phone, has lived in the U.S. for years. He got married last year and claims that his wife only found out about the implants shortly before the wedding.
"She broke down and started crying," he tells Kimmel. "She said: 'They're bigger than mine.' "