Daily Dose - 010218 - Mice at work, That would explain it, No Ham and Eggs, Torturing Telemarketers, how many things, DDL, Hey Martha
Mice at work (real ones, not pointing devices)
"I arrived at work one morning and noticed mouse droppings on my desk. This isn't exactly alarming since I work in the middle of a producing oil field. Feeling clever, I dashed off the following e-mail to the lady who handles such infestations.
This morning I found scatological evidence of mice on my desk. Can I get some glue traps, or perhaps a cage with an exercise wheel? :-)
Thanks."
I was certain that she would be impressed by my erudition and wit, but she proved both unflappable and more clever. This is her reply.
"I can only send over glue boards. Mice are considered unauthorized contractors and therefore are ineligible to use the company's exercise equipment."
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That would explain it...
The August 12, 2000 edition of Science News reports on page 109 that Manuel Berdoy of Oxford, England and his colleagues (and I quote):
"Speculate that low grade infections [of Toxoplasma gondii] may result in More subtle effects, such as odd behavior and IQ dips.
They estimate That the parasite infects 22% of UK residents and 88% of the French."
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No Ham and Eggs
Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering.
One day his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.
After waiting a few minutes she asked, "Did you notice, sir, that I scratched something that you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he replied, "So go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."
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Torturing Telemarketers...
FROZEN MEATS & FOOD SERVICES
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This is a nice technique that a friend of mine clued me into... This works on anyone trying to sell frozen meats/foods. You don't >really< need to be Jewish to use this ;-) .
Ask the solicitor if the meat they sell is kosher, as you keep a kosher kitchen. VERY seldom will you get much of a response before they hang up (if they're even a bit honest!). This has even worked for us gentiles. ;-)
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Ask them for really bizarre meats. Kangaroo, zebra, three-toed sloth, long pig...you get the idea. "But really, I DO need the human hams for the Jeffery Dahmer memorial banquet..." *click*
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Ok, so you'll come over and deliver groceries to my house every week If I buy your big freezer huh? Well, I have a HUGE freezer, you know... one big enough to hold a human. I'll just have to make room somewhere else for grandma.
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INSURANCE
If an insurance company calls trying to sell you insurance, act very surprised and delighted. Say, "You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for YEARS but nobody will sell me any!"
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One called trying to sell me accidental death and dismemberment insurance. I said "oh my god that's awful, is something going to happen to me?" After she got me calmed down, I asked if my dogs could be beneficiaries. After consulting with someone else I was told no. I then said "Well who's going to look after my dogs if I die?" She didn't know and she hung up.
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Do you do retro-claims?
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Homeowner's Insurance? you should have called me before the tree fell on my house!
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People can remember how many things ?
"Never Confuse a Memo With a Reality" is a book by Richard A. Moran from the "Lifes Little Instruction Book" series. It covers advice for the business person. One of the items is...
"Reduce all analysis to three bullet points. No one will take time to understand, pay attention or remember anymore"
This was point number 181.
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DDL
For those of us loving such tricks,
While you're at it, the kilogram fix;
I would rather we round
Down to 2 for a pound,
Than to use 2 point 2 0 4 6.
A randy young girl with no hair
Promised bliss if I shaved myself bare;
But my scrotum is wrinkly,
And awfully crinkly;
The hell I can shave myself there.
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"In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science, one gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact." - Mark Twain
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"It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen" - Dolly Parton
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"Life is tough, it's tougher when you're stupid." - John Wayne
(things are tough in the Gulf)
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Garden club bares all to dress up city
MILFORD, Mich. (AP) -- A group of middle-aged women have dared to bare in a fund-raising effort to dress up their city.
Members of the garden club and historical society wear their smiles and a few strategically placed leaves, skateboards and baked goods in the "Milford Beauties Out and About" calendar to benefit village beautification projects.
The 14-month calendar copycats last year's racier British version that raised a half million dollars for cancer research.
"We're this conservative little community and people just thought this was hilarious," Jan Neibauer said. "And we figured, if nothing else, our husbands would buy them up to keep anyone else from seeing them."
Profits will go to repaint two railroad trestles and restore a hydroelectric plant at the village, 30 miles northwest of Detroit.
The 40ish- through 70ish-year-old calendar girls are shown at the library, at the Milford Bakery and violating a restaurant's no-shoes, no-shirts, no-service policy.
The calendar has been so popular that plans are in the works for a 2002 edition.