Daily Dose - 010217 - Valley Girl, pray for your deer, Bizarre News, armless man, DDL, Hey Martha
A professor was taking in the scene at a popular L.A. nightspot when a mini-skirted Valley Girl sashayed over to him and said,
"Like, I want you to totally screw my brains out."
"Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."
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The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
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BIZARRE NEWS.......
Bizarre Author's Names
These names are completely genuine and have been corroborated in the catalogues of the British Library and in the American National Union Catalog, as well as other authoritative sources.
Ole Bagger
Stanka Fuckar
Gottfried Egg
Dr F.P.H. Prick van Wily
Baron Filibarto Vagina d'Emarese
A. Schytte
Mme J.J. Fouqueau de Pussy
Simon Young-Suck Moon
Tit Wing Lo
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Police Bust World's Most Gullible Hooker
KENT, Washington - This sounds like a beginning of a good blond joke. A woman was arrested for the 44th time after willingly climbing into a marked police car and admitting she was a prostitute.
The officer pulled over to talk to the woman who was dressed in "in a very short dress, stockings and high heels," and asked her for a price. She allegedly admitted to being a prostitute and said she'd take $40.
The officer suggested the back of the patrol car and the woman told him she had a lifelong fantasy about uniformed policemen. When she hopped in, the deputy slammed the door, locking her in.
She has reportedly been release on bail.
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Man Rushed to Hospital for Too Much Iron in his Diet
BEKAA VALLEY, Lebanon - A 30-year-old man took eating junk food to the extreme when he swallowed 39 metal and plastic knives, forks, spoons and even lighters during the course of a year.
The man was rushed to Bekaa hospital in a state of suffocation after swallowing a piece of water pipe.
According to Doctor Jihad Disouqi, "The weight of the metal and other things he swallowed was heavy, but it did not tear the stomach. He also did not suffer any serious illness before and no one discovered what he had been doing."
The man, who obviously suffers from a psychological problem, is reported to be in stable condition.
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A Recipe To Go Nuts Over
MARLINGTON, West Virginia - Now here is one for the Daily Recipe; Squirrel Scrotum Stew.
This was one of the entries in the annual wild game cook-off in Marlington, West Virginia.
Cook Jane DeGroot, whose great aunt's attempt to reduce the squirrel population by castrating them inspired the dish, explained its nutritional value.
She said: "Squirrel scrotum has a lot of protein and it's low in fat."
West Virginia passed a law three years ago allowing motorists to keep anything they killed on the state's roads.
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Hoosier Tricked Into Cashing In Illegal Crop
INDIANA - An Indiana "farmer" was the victim of a cruel prank when he believed that he received a phone call from the authorities busting him for growing marijuana in his back yard.
During the alleged conversation, the man was told that if he brought the plant, roots and all to the station, charges would not be pressed.
Believing the call to be true, he cut down the eight foot plant and carried it into the lobby of the Sheriff's office. He was then placed into custody for suspected felony cultivation by surprised officers.
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Drug Dealer Cracks Up With A Wad of Cash
AMARILLO, Texas - Amarillo Police really cracked the case when they arrested suspected drug dealer Carton Meredith.
A search of his person revealed $8,000 hidden in his butt.
"That's 80 $100 bills," said Corporal Brent Harlan, of the Amarillo police department.
Meredith claimed he earned the cash by sponsoring an unheard of St. Louis rap group called Forty Caliber. He has been charged with marijuana possession.
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The Great White Pig
SPAIN - Not many fishermen would expect to haul in a wild boar after casting their nets 3 miles out at sea. But that is just what happened to a group of fishermen in Spain.
No one knows how the wild pig managed to end up so far out at sea, or how it managed to survive for so long.
The boar will reportedly be released into the wild near their home port of Tarragona as soon as it has recovered fully from its ordeal.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
London, England - All of London is aghast at a new study that revealed that people who believe they have been abducted by aliens exhibit 5 times higher rates of ESP.
Some in the UFO community have said this proves that the implants that aliens leave inside the abductees turn them into human receivers.
[Some stories are too perfect to ruin with snide commentary.]
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A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"I am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly. "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it . . . "
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DDL
There once was a maiden from Dallas
Whom all of the men found quite callous
Their problem you see
Was they don't know her like me
She's a wonder, but not named Alice.
A naked hang glider named Cass,
Was practicing landings on grass.
But she sailed past the lawn
And landed upon
The sidewalk and scratched up her ass.
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Q. How do you know when a blond is having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.
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The less you know,.... the less misinformed you are!
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The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.
- Milton Berle
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Hey Martha (true)
Saturday, May. 27, 2000
NATO troops land in neutral Sweden by mistake
STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) -- With their field packs, camouflage uniforms and weapons, the 116-member elite Italian military unit was ready for anything except, perhaps, map reading.
The heavily armed Alpini, as Italy's elite alpine corps is called, hit the ground in neutral Sweden instead of in NATO-member Norway, where they were supposed to join the Cooperative Banners exercise.
It was not clear why their Airbus passenger plane mistakenly landed in southern Sweden's Kristianstad instead of Kristiansand, which is in southern Norway, on Thursday.
The soldiers did not know they were in Sweden until immigration officials pointed out the navigational error, Swedish and Norwegian news reports said.
It was the first time immigration officers in Kristianstad turned back a NATO advance, the news media noted.
"This happens now and then," airport director Lennart Nilsson said about the mix-up between Kristianstad and Kristiansand. "There are just a couple of letters -- but 400 kilometres -- separating the two cities."
After about two hours in Sweden, the troops re-boarded their plane and headed for Kristiansand.