Daily Dose - 010214 - Valentines Day jokes
Happy Valentines Day !!!
THE RUNAWAY
A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.
Our golfer said, "Yes, she ran into the woods." The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her.
Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through her chasing a naked lady.
He said yes, they ran that way through the woods. The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see, we work at a sanitarium nearby. Every now and then that girl gets away and, all she wants to do is get naked and make love."
The golfer then asked, "Well, what's the bucket of sand for???"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her the last time!!"
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, January 2, 2001
Pork fat covered in chocolate
KIEV, Ukraine (AP) -- A Ukrainian candy company has begun marketing what may be the stickiest, richest and most fattening holiday treat on the market: pure pork fat covered in chocolate.
Cracking open a finger-sized stick of the dark chocolate bar reveals a vein of white fat where other candies conceal butterscotch, caramel or other traditional sweets. The candies are called Fat in Chocolate.
The product pokes fun at the traditional Ukrainian snack of salo, or salted pork fat, usually consumed with vodka and pickles. Salo is a national symbol of Ukraine and is recognized throughout the former Soviet Union though young people these days often turn up their noses at the dish.
A spokesman for candy company AO Odessa said the Fat in Chocolate bars were made as a lighthearted and self-deprecating joke for Ukrainians. While edible, they are not really meant to be eaten, the official said.
A bar tried Tuesday was very sweet, while the fat filling retained some of its saltiness. The fat had the gooey texture of overcooked pasta.
The bars, wrapped in red holiday foil, show a Ukrainian Cossack with a moustache munching a piece of fat. The candies sold briskly to laughing customers in stores in Ukraine's capital, Kiev, on Tuesday.
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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
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I Love Her, But...
(A collection of men's thoughts on their women.)
... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
--Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?
--Ted, Wexford, Pa.
... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
--Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
... she makes lists; Things to buy, things to do, people to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
--Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.
... you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
--Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
--Jim, Minneapolis
... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.
--Miles, Shreveport, La.
... every so often boom! Shes a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.
--Cary, Seattle
... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain; she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
--Terence, Gary, Ind.
... Shes stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
--Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
-Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?
--Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
--Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning..."
--Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me.
--Neil, Orlando, Fla.
... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
--Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
--Archie, St. Louis
... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
--Conrad, Wilmington, Del.
... it annoys her that our children look like me.
--James, New Orleans
... counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.
--Everett, Little Rock, Ark.
... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her.
--Bob, Charleston, W.Va.
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Redneck's Valentine's Day Poem
that'll touch your heart-
Roses are red,
or are they blue?
Hell I don't know
but i do like you.
I love you more
than my truck's tires.
Yer more useful than my
old rusty pliers.
You cook a good deer
and fry a good egg,
just wish you'd shave that
hair off your legs.
If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face,
It's okay, I'll still feel the same,
I'll just keep on tellin my buddies,
yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes.
Yer my pride and joys,
What a lady!
But hows come we do it
only when it's my payday?
When I ran over ya with my truck,
you didn't even say "ouch."
And you are so cute,
when you wipe your boogers under the couch.
I hope we stay together,
at least a couple more days-
cuz i'm really horney
and I want to get laid.
Happy VD!!!!!
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In India, 14th November is celebrated as Children's Day (It is dedicated in the memory of the first Prime Minister who loved children)
A kid was asked "Why 14th November is celebrated as Children's day ?"
He replied with a smirk, "Because it is 9 months after Valentine's day"
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Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it will soon fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So here's my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Screw Valentines Day!