Daily Dose - 010212 - flasher, divorce court, National Lampoon, assault charges, tour guide, DDL, Hey Martha

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves, when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Needless to say, the first old lady had a stroke....

Then the second old lady had a stroke....

And the third old lady, well... she couldn't reach that far.

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Phil and Martha had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.

The judge asked, "Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Martha?"

Phil replies, "Yes Judge, that is correct."

"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.

Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor."

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National Lampoon (satire)

Internet Boom Has Berlin Reeling from Nouveau Riche Neo-Nazis

BERLIN -- You can see them in the Berlin Starbucks, sipping chai tea while talking on their cell phones about the evils of Jews. Clad in spandex, they ride titanium mountain bikes and organize death marches via Palm Pilot. They are Berlin´s new class of Nazi, made rich by the Internet boom and not afraid to spend their money. But to many in this German city, these ‘Nouveau Riche Neo-Nazis’ are nothing more than apple-cheeked entrepreneurs, posing as bigots.

"They own hate sites," scoffs former S.S. Lieutenant Fritz Weinholt. "I used to goose-step three miles to work everyday. If you wanted to hate a Jew, you didn´t log onto a computer, you went out and found one and hated him to his face."

"They can´t persecute worth a damn!" echoes former Nazi Ian Kleinghorn. "They’ve gone soft. What are you gonna do, point-and-click the Jews to death?"

And while the bud may be off the Internet bloom everywhere else, the lone exception seems to be the emerging B2B, or ‘bigot-to-bigot,’ sites. According to commercial real estate agent Helmut Vanstap, "It’s not uncommon for a dot-com, fresh off its IPO, to pay nearly twice the asking price on a commercial lease property." The result: many bricks-and-mortar symbols of hate have been forced to close up shop.

"This used to be barracks and a series of ovens, overlooking a fully irrigated mass grave," explained Vanstap, pointing to an office park where a giant chrome-and-glass structure now marks the home of DirtyJew.com. "Fucking posers. But hey, the commissions are still green."

Green commissions aside, unless a December 23 ballot proposing to limit the percentage of office space allotted to dot-coms is passed, Kleinghorn, Weinholt and many old-school Nazis like them, will simply be priced out of the neighborhood. "Try preaching about a pure Aryan race to a bunch of soccer moms in the suburbs," explained Weinholt. "It sucks. Not one can make a decision until their ‘husband gets home.’"

Reflecting on the past year, Kleinghorn added, "The ironic thing is that this has all had a very positive affect in terms of our hating the Nouveau Riche Neo-Nazi as well. In fact - and don’t quote me on this - I think they may control the world’s banks."

Unfortunately, with no office space to print and distribute the needed propaganda, Kleinghorn’s message may be a short-lived one.

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Formerly Beaver College, Arcadia Changes Name Again

PHILADELPHIA - Just weeks after Beaver College changed its name to Arcadia University "in order to avoid further references to the female anatomy," the school´s Board of Overseers has learned that Arcadia is not only slang for vagina, but more specifically, three-day-old vagina.

"Oh man, that is nasty," said trustee Mike Hunt, who led the six-month search for a new school moniker. "Does that mean like the girl´s dead or just that she hasn´t showered for three days?"

At this point, school officials are still unsure.

The discovery was first made last Saturday when Dean of Students Dick Hung overheard his 13-year-old son, Willie, asking some friends to smell his finger, which the younger Hung claimed was "all coated with the bitch´s nasty-ass Arcadia juice." According to the elder Hung, "Then they began laughing about three days being a long time or something."

After calling an emergency weekend meeting, the Trustees recalled nearly 10,000 brochures that had been printed with the new Arcadia insignia and mailed to alumni, students, parents, faculty and staff. Consulting with focus groups all day Sunday, they then decided to go with what had originally been their second choice for a school name - Coochie State.

"But it´s probably just a matter of time before that becomes slang for something," noted Hung who had lobbied strongly for Bearded Clam College. "It was a wonderful children´s book growing up."

In a related story, tiny Ax Wound Technological Institute of Troy, New York has said that it too will be looking for another name after noting that some Web filters, intending to screen out sexually explicit material, blocked access to Ax Wound Tech´s site.

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Amanpreet was hauled up on assault charges. And it wasn't the first time Preet was standing in front of this particular judge.

The judge eyed Preet sternly and said, "It says here that you beat up your friend Jon. This isn't the first time you two have come to blows. Tell me why I shouldn't send you off to jail."

"Well, your honor, it's like this," Lizard Pecker began, "we were in the bar, sitting real peaceful. Then, Jon turns to me and said, 'you know, Preet, the only damned reason you're behaving is you're afraid of that asshole judge.' Well, Your Honor, when he said that about you, I just busted him in the mouth."

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A Latin American tour guide was addressing a small group of senior citizens and telling them about the country they were visiting. When he asked if they had any questions, one person inquired, "What is the number one sport in this country?"

"Bullfighting," the guide replied.

The same person asked "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," replied the tour guide. "That's number two!"

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DDL

There once was a young girl called Rhonda
Who constructed herself a pagoda
And the walls of the halls
Were festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.

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Hi! Welcome to the first day of school.

Take out a pencil!

We're having a test on last night's homework assignment!

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Men are like a fine wine.

They start out as grapes.

It's women's job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature.

And hopefully they will turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

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Support your local police force:

Break a few laws today!

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Hey Martha (true)

Friday, October 20, 2000

Donkey killer must feel 'full wrath of law'

Hunters and anglers offer second reward for gunman who shot French traveller's mule

TORONTO (CP) -- The shooter of a donkey in northern Ontario must "feel the full wrath of the law," the Ontario Federation of Hunters and Anglers said Thursday, announcing a $2,500 reward for information leading to an arrest.

"As the voice of Ontario's conservation-minded anglers and hunters, we are not prepared to sit idly by," said executive vice-president Rick Morgan in a release. "We want the perpetrators caught and convicted."

A man from France was travelling across the country in a horse- and donkey-drawn cart, and had stopped to camp along a road near Timmins, Ont., on Sunday, said provincial police Const. Jean-Marc St. Jacques.

The animals were grazing when the tourist saw a white or grey pick-up truck stop on a nearby bridge, St. Jacques said.

A man wearing an orange hunting vest stepped out and shot the animal, the donkey's owner said.

The $2,500 reward was the second to be issued for the mysterious gunman's arrest.

On Wednesday, the Humane Society of Canada offered a $2,000 reward for what it called "a cowardly and gutless act."

The man buried his donkey at the scene, about 60 kilometres southwest of Timmins.

The horse was not harmed.

Police and the Ministry of Natural Resources are also investigating the incident.