Daily Dose - 010211 - confused about a bill, BIZARRE NEWS, Communion, donkey, DDL, Hey Martha
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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BIZARRE NEWS........
Bizarre Laws
ENGLAND
Chelsea Pensioner may not be impersonated.
It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.
In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.
Anal sex is prohibited.
It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle.
In Chester, you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.
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Man Dies in Bizarre Masturbation Accident
GREAT BRITAIN - A 49-year-old British courier masturbated himself to death when a complex procedure he used to heighten his pleasure went terribly wrong.
Terrence Simmonds reportedly suffocated to death with two bottles of the sex drug amyl nitrate in a plastic device he used while spanking the monkey.
The device consisted of a heavy plastic bag that is connected to a vacuum cleaner.
This apparently wasn't the first time Simmonds tried doing this. He was found unconscious two years earlier after a similar exploit.
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Kinky Cop Begs for Help After Losing Handcuff Key
HAMPSHIRE, England - It was all fun and games when a kinky cop handcuffed his girlfriend during sex, until he lost his keys and had to ask his bosses for a spare set.
The officer left his girlfriend in an "arresting" position in the couple's tent on a local campsite while he begged for help at a nearby police station.
Police Federation chairman Alan Gordon stated in a meeting: "It is encouraging that our specials take their training seriously, not least the officer who had to borrow a handcuff key while off-duty."
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Would Be Bank Robber Makes a Clean Get Away
SOUTHFIELD, Michigan - A man's attempt to rob a bank with a bar of soap went down the drain when the teller didn't even notice him.
The man went to the drive-through window of the Comerica bank with a fake bomb made out of a bar of soap and some wires. He placed the bomb and a note demanding cash in the tray.
The cashier reportedly was unaware of the robbery attempt and the would-be robber simply drove off, frustrated.
The soap was eventually discovered and the Michigan State Police bomb squad were called in as a precaution.
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New Spankie Saves Socks for Sailors
NORTHERN CALIFORNIA - Now you can have good clean fun and have socks to wear for tomorrow. This is what Spankie.com is advertising with its sock-like invention that a man places over his erect member in order to avoid the usual gooey result of masturbation.
Men have been known to use socks for this purpose, but now, with the washable, reusable, stretch cotton sleeve, a guy can masturbate and still have his socks for tomorrow.
The company reportedly shipped 2,000 "Spankies" to a submarine base in Northern California.
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Would-Be Burglar Caught in Sticky Situation
HIALEAH, Florida - A would-be burglar was caught in the act when he became stuck inside the grease-slicked restaurant ventilator shaft for eight hours.
Gustavo Rivera, 39, was rescued, and then arrested after he was found with his arms outstretched and his legs dangling between security grate.
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Man Goes Nose to Nose With Pit Bull...and Loses
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - A 43-year-old drunken Dutchman tried to give an "Eskimo kiss" to a pit bull terrier, and lost part of his nose when the dog bit him.
The man was staggering through a crowded Amsterdam market when he saw the dog. He walked toward the animal, bent over and stuck his nose in the dog's muzzle. The dog reacted immediately and took a bite out of the man's nose.
The victim was taken to a local hospital but it is unreported if doctors were able to reattach the tip of his nose.
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The church was celebrating Communion. During the "children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and what it is all about.
"The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'. What does that mean? Well, 'joyful' means happy, right? And a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?"
Little Johnny put up his hand and said, "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?"
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An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the donkey!
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass!
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DDL
Humpty Politicos sat on a wall
Dumpty Politicos had a great fall
And all the Bush horses
And all the Gore's men
Can't put the election together, again.
A man stood on trial for his life
For loving the corpse of his wife
He said to the judge,
"She was cold, wouldn't budge --
Exactly the same as in life."
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The biggest problem with being an atheist is....
No one to talk to during an orgasm!
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If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
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Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
"No," replies the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
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Hey Martha (true)
Sunday, December 3, 2000
Another Michigan man faces anti-cursing charge
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (AP) -- Another Michigan man has run afoul of a century-old law that prohibits cursing in the presence of women and children.
Jeffery Richards, 27, is scheduled for a pretrial hearing Monday on charges of assault, disturbing the peace and using indecent language.
Earlier this year a judge ruled that the 102-year-old law is constitutional, and upheld the conviction of another man who swore in front of children after tumbling out of a canoe.
Richards is accused of using foul language in front of children on a school bus on Nov. 2. Richards said he used a mild obscenity, and only because he believed his daughter was being manhandled and verbally abused by the driver.
"I'm being charged with swearing on the bus and that's a pretty minor charge compared to grabbing my daughter," Richards said.
But Lake City Area Schools' Superintendent Lew Burchard said Richards used stronger language than he claimed and verbally threatened the driver. He shouted other obscenities from the front of the bus, Burchard said.
He added that Richards' allegation that his daughter was manhandled by the bus driver was unfounded.
Richards could face up to 90 days in jail if convicted.
In 1999, Timothy Boomer, a 26-year-old computer programmer, was convicted of violating the law when he uttered a stream of profanities after a canoe mishap on the Rifle River. He was fined $75 and ordered to work four days in a child-care program.
He is appealing the conviction.