Daily Dose - 010210 - special license, National Lampoon, foul language, cat litter, DDL, Hey Martha

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? it says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

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National Lampoon (satire)

Liverpool Wins Soccer Tragedy 12-3

LIVERPOOL, England -- In Saturday’s English Premier League soccer tragedy, Liverpool fans bested Newcastle 12 deaths to 3.

After a particularly defensive first half, which saw both sides locked at three deaths apiece, Liverpool fans were able to break the tragedy open when they orchestrated a stampede trapping the Newcastle faithful against a locked exit fence with just three minutes to go. The result was nine unanswered deaths and the match victory.

"It was a great win for us," said Liverpool fan David Blodgett. "We’ll celebrate tonight, but then we have to get ready for next week’s tragedy."

Next week Liverpool will travel to Arsenal in what many expect will be a high scoring affair.

"The second tier railing at the southern end is especially loose," said Blodgett referring to the 127-year-old stadium’s faulty structuring. "And both sides have been extremely drunk and angry all season, so it should be a great matchup."

Saturday’s on field action ended in a scoreless tie, putting Liverpool in an eight-way tie for first place with a record of 0 wins, 0 losses and 23 ties.

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Study Shows Handicapped Children Make Lousy Snow Angels

WASHINGTON : Researchers at Johns Hopkins University released a report today indicating that as many as 4 out of 5 physically handicapped children are at a severe disadvantage when it comes to making snow angels.

"Snow angels require perfect symmetry," stated Dr. Kisington, the report’s author. "Without the use of all four limbs - whether due to amputation or paralysis - this symmetry becomes nearly impossible to achieve, and hence, a lousy snow angel is created."

The report documented the effects of placing 400 disabled children on their backs in the snow and having them perform a series of "jumping-jack" type movements in order to create an imprint that resembled a winged angel. In most cases, however, the resulting impressions ranged from what researchers called the "abstract snow angel" to the less recognizable, and more disturbing, "mutant snow moth."

According to Kisington, "This is something that looks like it’s had a limb or two burnt off due to an unfavorable run-in with an electric bug light."

Researches also tested 250 mentally handicapped children, but found that while they tended to lie face down in the snow, their angels rarely suffered symmetry problems. "As long as you don’t let them suffocate, you can usually get a pretty decent angel," concluded Kisington.

Along with snow angel problems, the report also shows that physically handicapped children make poor swimmers, and contrary to a popular bumper sticker, are lousy lovers.

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Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."

"I guess not," said Dave, "what the hell do they have to cuss about?"

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After a lady's car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large back of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job.

The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, "Lady, if that were my cat, I'd put him outside!"

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DDL

There once was a handsome young actor;
While filming, he fell off a tractor.
Though not in his script,
He went to Egypt,
To visit the Cairo-practor.

The night started with hot sexual talk,
As they screwed they lost track of the clock.
Throughout the next day,
They continued to play,
Until neither were able to walk!

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95% of all people have hemorrhoids.

The other 5% are perfect assholes!

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People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.

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Q: What is all wrinkled and hangs out your underpants?

A: Your Mother!

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Hey Martha (true)

Britain in a froth over silly pub names

LONDON (AP) -- The Goat and Compasses is fine, but the Goose and Granite is definitely not.

The debate over British pub names is foaming up again: The Goat and Compasses is a centuries-old moniker, while the latter is a newly minted corporate label.

Traditional English pub names often are patriotic or royal -- The Crown, The King's Head, The Red Lion. Others are resolutely local, paying tribute to the lord of the manor or reflecting a region's landmarks, flora and fauna, industry or sporting heroes.

But today's British beer drinkers are increasingly likely to head down to the Rat and Parrot chain or the Slug and Lettuce. And some feel it has all gone a Dog and Doughnut too far.

In the House of Commons this week, Britain's culture minister, Chris Smith, lamented "a growing fashion for rebranding pubs with names like the Dog and Doughnut or the Goose and Granite which, I have to say, would appear to have little relevance to the history of any area."

"We are surely in danger here of losing an important part of local history and local folk memory," he told legislators.

Many British pub names do have deep and sometimes mysterious historical roots, originating in preliterate days when ale houses had to sport large, memorable and easily identifiable signs.

Alan Rose, secretary of the Inn Sign Society, cites his local pub, the Bull and Spectacles -- a reference to a former landlord's prize bull or to Anne Boleyn (Bull-inn), depending on which legend you believe.

That kind of individuality, pub aficionados argue, is now in danger.

A third of Britain's 60,000 pubs are controlled by breweries that dictate what beer is sold there. Another third are now owned by non-brewing chains -- and it is these standardized corporate "theme" pubs that traditionalists object to most.

Some call it the McDonald's-ization of British pubs.

"You can go into a Rat and Parrot in the southeast or the northwest and they're exactly the same," said Ian Woolverton of the consumer group Campaign for Real Ale. "That can't be good for our pub heritage."

It is not the name changes in themselves that vex campaigners. Pubs have long rechristened themselves to commemorate historic events.

"Almost every pub has had a name change," Rose said. "If they didn't, we wouldn't have a hobby, would we?"

Rose noted that changing social mores -- from the demise of cockfighting to the present-day proposed ban on fox hunting -- could drive pubs to rename themselves.

"You've got pubs called the Fox and Hounds," he said. "Will that change when the anti-hunting law comes in? What we don't like is that we're losing the historic ones."

The chain-pub operators counter that they are pumping new life into a flagging industry, renovating once-dingy boozers and attracting young people to big, bright watering holes. Many traditional rural pubs, meanwhile, are closing as their aging clientele drinks less.

"Our bars are big and they're busy, so we're giving people what they want," said Clive Eplett, finance director of SFI Group PLC, which owns the Litten Tree and Bar Med chains and is in the process of acquiring the 33-bar Slug and Lettuce group -- a pioneer of the up-market stripped-wood-and-focaccia formula.

And he is not nostalgic for the pubs of yesteryear, arguing that chains like his, selling beer from several breweries, offer customers more choice.

"I was born in a small village in Cornwall, and all the pubs were owned by one brewery," he said. "You drank their beer or you didn't drink at all."

No one is arguing the government should legislate pub names. But campaigners want to see names included as part of a pub's licence, so change would require planning permission and local consultation.