Daily Dose - 010206 - Nutrition, Defective Buggy, hears the word whorehouse, National Lampoon, DDL, Hey Martha
Nutrition
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
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Defective Buggy?
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."
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Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."
Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."
Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.
After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.
"I'm here to have a good time!"
The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.
When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"
"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!
Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"
"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!"
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National Lampoon (satire)
Bush to Put National Debt on Discover Card
WASHINGTON - After proposing a $1.6 trillion tax cut, George Bush announced today how he planned to pay for it - the Discover Card.
"As I understand the Discover Card offer, they give you 2% cash back on every purchase," stated the President-elect, "so that means if we buy an aircraft carrier for $4 billion, we get 20 million back. Thatīs a lot of money!"
While not disputing that $20 million was a considerable sum, many economists seemed less than sanguine about the proposed move. "Oh sweet, heavenly Jesus," muttered Federal Reserve Chief Alan Greenspan when informed of the plan. "The Discover Card charges 14.99% APR in interest!"
Bush, however, called Greenspanīs math "fuzzy," noting that "they only charge 1.9% for the first 5 months! It says so in the brochure! Not only that, thereīs no annual fee!" He then added that for a "big-shot economist, Greenspanīs a total dumb-ass!"
Despite Bushīs enthusiasm, however, the plan may prove to be short-lived. According to Discover Card spokesman, Herb Applegate, "our maximum available credit limit is $50,000."
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DDL
Young claustrophobe Jenny shuns houses,
And also bras, panties and blouses.
And, for a small fee,
I'll let you come see
Her, out in the field where the cows is
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery
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"Men don't care what's on TV. They care about what else is on TV." - Jerry Seinfeld
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"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." - Jeff Stilson
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Hey Martha (true)
Saturday, January 13, 2001
Count The Chads and Florida Recount coming down the stretch
LEXINGTON. Ky. (AP) -- Last year's U.S. presidential election was a real horse race -- and the thoroughbred racing community seems to have been keeping pace with current events.
Count The Chads, Tooclosetocall and Florida Recount are among the names race horses have been given since the presidential election.
Other names registered on The Jockey Club's foal certificates include Dangling Chad, Palm Beach Ballot and No More Chads.
"Anytime you have something new or trendy or well-covered in the mass media, you'll see names based on that," said Janice Towles, manager of registration services for The Jockey Club.
Asked how many foals have been given election-related names, Towles said, "We're still counting them."