Daily Dose - 010205 - Blonde Education Department, horny woman, BIZARRE NEWS, military communications, DDL, Hey Martha
The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.
So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.
They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
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This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.
He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"
He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"
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BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Lawsuits
A University of Idaho freshman suffered fractured vertebrae, abrasions and severely bruised buttocks when the dormitory window that he was mooning a group of friends through shattered. The young man and his parents sued the school for $470,000 per cheek.
When Minnesota State Bank of St. Paul president Michael Brennan flushed the toilet in the executive washroom, he was blasted with a geyser of 200 to 300 gallons of raw sewage. He sued the city and a construction company that neglected to inform anyone they shut off the sewer line for $50,000 to cover his humiliation and embarrassment.
A 25-year-old mortuary driver was cited for driving alone in a High Occupancy Vehicle lane. The man appeared in court and explained to the judge that he was transporting four dozen corpses at the time and wasn't alone. The judge didn't buy it and the mortuary driver was forced to pay a "stiff" fine.
A $35 million lawsuit was filed in New York State Supreme Court against Motorola. Ronald Silber claimed Motorola should be held liable for the injuries they sustained when another car collided with them because the driver lost control of the car while reaching for her cell phone.
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Hog Wild in First Class
30,000 FT. ABOVE SEATTLE - Someone at USAirways is getting sacked over this one.
Two women flying from Philadelphia to Seattle managed to get their 200 pound hog through Philadelphia International Airport and onto the first-class section of their flight.
How did they manage this? By flashing a doctor's note to convince the ground crew that their 200 pound hog was a service animal [kind of like a seeing-eye pig].
"You can't believe how that dang pig squealed," commented one passenger.
As the plane approached Seattle the pig charged through the aisles and attempted to break into the cockpit, according to a USAirways report.
The FAA is focusing on whether the pig was a flight safety hazard.
[Ya think?]
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Alms Almost Cost Man an Arm and a Leg
COLOMBO - A Sri Lankan man became "cat chow" when he jumped naked into a lion's den.
According to officials, the man had written a letter before jumping into the enclosure saying he wanted to give "alms" to the lions.
The man was rescued by zoo staff and onlookers who beat garbage cans to frighten the lions away and took him to a nearby hospital. The three lions bit off parts of his arms, legs, chest and groin area.
Sri Lanka's majority Buddhist population believes that giving alms can earn merit for future incarnations.
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Aggravated Patient Gives Hospital The Finger
LECCO, Italy - A disgruntled man gave the finger to a hospital in Lecco, Italy because he was tired of waiting for someone to reattach it.
The 47-year-old lost the finger in an accident at work and carried it to the hospital in the hope it could be reattached.
After waiting for more than an hour to be treated, the man became frustrated and shouted, "Take care of the finger when you have some time, I'm going home."
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Another Mathematical Genius at Large
LOUISIANA - There is one bandit in Louisiana who had better give up armed robbery until he learns how to count.
The man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer was $15.
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Drug Smugglers Use Hanes Their Own Way
MIAMI - Flight attendants sported "extra padding" in their underwear as part of a drug smuggling operation from Colombia to the United States.
A total of 17 people, eight of whom have been arrested in the United States, were named in a seven-count indictment for smuggling heroin and cocaine in their underwear.
Florida U.S. Attorney Guy Lewis stated that the drug ring was bringing about 33 to 44 pounds of heroin a month into the country, from the Venezuelan capital of Caracas to Miami International Airport. From Miami, the heroin was taken up to New York.
Those arrested so far are Venezuelan, Colombian and U.S. citizens, and have been charged with drug offenses such as bringing drugs into the United States and conspiracy to distribute them.
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Customs Officers Detect Something Fishy at the Border
FRANKFURT, Germany - German Customs officers figured there was something "fishy" was going on when they detected an odor coming from the gas tank of a vehicle attempting to cross the Frankfurt am Oder border.
The officers reportedly found around 28 kilograms of caviar hidden in a secret compartment. The caviar was being brought into Germany ready for sale around Christmas.
Black market caviar has become more popular recently as the supply from Russia has dwindled due to pollution and over-fishing.
More than 200kg of caviar has been intercepted this year at the Frankfurt am Oder border crossing alone.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
BANGKOK, Thailand - City officials have come up with a way to lessen the tension caused by traffic jams and the gridlock created by it.
Enter the singing and dancing police force that performs for stranded motorists.
Since hiring this special entertaining police force, road rage in Thailand has been reduced by 42%.
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The General was ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather his officers from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force and try and figure out why there's so much difficulty in communicating with each other.
The General gathers his Captains (and his Navy Lieutenant), and tells them their first task is to "secure" a particular building. He orders them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the plan and bring them back to him the next morning.
The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:Tell those swabs to:
-- Unplug the coffeepots
-- Turn off the computers
-- Turn out the lights
-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied
The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
-- Assemble the company
-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
-- Take control of all exits
-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass
The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:
-- Assemble the platoon and supplies
-- Approach the building along three axes
-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
-- Assault the building under covering fire
-- Sequester surviving prisoners
-- Establish lanes of fire
-- Prepare artillery calls
-- Repel counterattacks
The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
-- Contact real estate agent
-- Negotiate 1-year lease
-- Be sure to get option to buy
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DDL
There was a young lady of Worcester
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But 'twas only a dream---
A bump in the mattress had goosed her.
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The state of Texas has executed yet another inmate. Unforeseen legal issues have arisen.
The state has killed so many people this year, it must now register as a tobacco company.
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(This one sounds like George Carlin might have said it, but I can't track it down):
We seem to have a compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to give those people living in the next century or so some idea of what we were like.
I have prepared one of my own. I have placed some rather large samples of dynamite, gunpowder, and nitroglycerin, rusty nails, scraps of steel and infected needles inside it.
My time capsule is set to go off in the year 3000. I'll show them what we were really like.
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, January 11, 2001
British jury acquits nude defendant
LONDON (AP) -- Faced with the bare facts, a jury on Wednesday cleared a man who refused to wear clothes in public -- and appeared nude in court -- of public nuisance charges.
When the unanimous verdict was read, defendant Vincent Bethell punched the air with both fists and shouted: "Being human is not a crime."
Judge George Bathurst-Norman urged Bethell to "not go away too much with that idea." But the warning, and the near-freezing January weather, did little to dampen the acquitted man's celebration.
The 28-year-old artist, clutching a bag of belongings including the clothes he refused to wear during five months spent in prison, strode naked from the court and hailed a cab along with four supporters who attended the trial.
A member of nudist activist group The Freedom to be Yourself, Bethell told reporters that the verdict was "great progress" for the group's cause.
"On the other occasions I have been convicted by magistrates, but this is the first time I have been tried by members of the public. The jury trial is so important for justice," he said.
Bethell was tried for causing a public nuisance on "diverse days" between July 14 and Aug. 22 "by being naked in a public place and refusing to clothe himself."