Daily Dose - 010204 - SPICE GIRLS, BIZARRE NEWS, tax collector, DDL, Hey Martha
SPICE GIRLS
Little Johnny was watching TV with his father while his mother prepared the dinner in the kitchen.
After a while Little Johnny wanders into the kitchen and asks his mother, "Mommy, are the Spice Girls robots?"
"No, dear they aren't, why do you ask?"
"Well, Daddy just said that he'd like to screw the ass off the black one."
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Insurance Claims
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
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Martial Arts Experts Demonstrate Kung Fu Penis
TAIWAN - It could be considered the ultimate test of one's manhood. Two Taiwanese Chi Kung experts set a world record by pulling an 11-ton truck with their penises.
Hundreds of enthusiastic spectators watched as the two masters performed the test of strength in preparation for plans to pull an airplane in the same way.
According to Chi Kung master Tu Chin Sheng, students of this particular martial art can hang up to 200 kilograms from their manhood.
Sheng also added that this is a great way to strengthen your sexual performance.
[Whatever happened to the Swedish Penis Pump?]
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Farmer Puts the Squash on Young Love
BRNICKO, Czechoslovakia - A Czech couple definitely picked the wrong place for a roll in the hay when they were run over by a tractor.
The lovers were locked in a passionate embrace in a meadow in the rustic village of Brnicko, and did not see or hear a farmer taking a short cut with his tractor across the field.
He ran over them causing severe injuries to the woman's chest and the man's buttocks. The unmarried couple tried to keep the accident secret until doctors and insurers investigated the origins of the couple's injuries.
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Neighbors Object to Nude Woman's Caterwauling
CLUJ, Transylvania - Some people may leave the toilet seat up to annoy their spouse, while others may crack their knuckles. In an effort to annoy her husband, Maria Muresan decided to run naked around a block of flats while singing at the top of her voice.
Oddly enough, neighbors were not bothered by the nudity, but by her terrible voice, and called the police.
A police spokesman said, "When we pointed out to her neighbors that we could do nothing about the terrible singing, but that the nudity was an offence, they decided to complain about that instead.
Muresan was ordered to do 20 days community service.
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Loggers Give Bare Breasted Poet Their Full Attention
SAN FRANCISCO - The "wood" was surely flying when a California performance artist decided to bare her soul, and her breasts, to get a lumberjack crew's attention.
Dona Nieto, who goes by the name "La Tigresa," reportedly bared her breasts and recited poetry to stunned timber crews.
La Tigresa has brought what she calls "Goddess-based, nude Buddhist guerrilla poetry" to timber and logging sites in an area some 120 miles north of San Francisco that is one of the main battlegrounds in the fight between environmentalists and timber companies.
According to Nieto, "I've changed some of these guys' lives. But I'd like to change the laws, and I'd like to change history."
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Stock Crash Leaves Woman "Axing" for Financial Aid
STOCKHOLM - A 41-year-old Swedish mother of five admitted in court that she was panicked after her Swedish information technology stocks fell heavily and did not know how she would provide for her children. So she robbed a bank in neighboring Finland by threatening staff with an axe.
She succeeded in obtaining 20,000 Finnish markka ($2,911) from a cashier but was overpowered outside by a man who had seen her enter the bank wearing a mask and carrying an axe.
The woman is currently appealing against a one-year prison sentence to the high court in Rovaniemi, Finland.
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Transvestite Teen Terrified by Bullies
BROCKTON, Massachusetts - A 15-year-old boy who fought for his right to wear girls' clothing, including bras, wigs and high heels at his school is still not going to classes out of fear of being bullied.
Judge Linda Giles ruled the boy could wear any clothing and accessories worn by other male or female students.
However, he has taken his privilege to extremes by using the girls' toilets and blowing kisses at other schoolboys.
School officials say they fear for the boy's safety. He is currently being taught at home.
Jennifer Levi, the boy's lawyer, said the school should hold sessions on "sexual orientation and gender identity."
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Los Angeles, California - Leave it to Californians to push Alabamans off the screens of Bizarre News readers.
Enter The Church of the Holy Body where the entire congregation comes to mass in the nude.
That's right, Pastor Lance Reginoe tried to calm critics by stating, "We invite anyone with a true desire to worship Christ with no reservations to join us - but don't expect a wild sex orgy because that's not what it's all about."
[Do you think mothers in this neighborhood still tell their sons that church is a good place to meet women?]
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Two farmers at the feed store were discussing the local election for tax collector.
One of the candidates was named Harkins, who was also the operator of the drawbridge over the local river.
"You gonna vote for Harkins?" the first farmer asked.
"No, I don't think so," the other replied.
"Why not?" the first farmer asked.
"Well, you remember that prize bull I used to have? One day I looked in the barn and there's that bull lying down actin' strange. So I asked the vet and he gave me some medicine, and he said it had to be put in the bull's rectum.
"I took the medicine home but I couldn't find a funnel. So I seen this old army bugle hangin' on a nail in the barn and I used that.
"Only problem was that before I could get that bugle out, my bull passed some gas and made a loud toot on that bugle.
"Well sir, that scairt my bull somethin' awful and he busted out of the stall, made another toot, then busted through the fence and went runnin' down the road.
"He went down the road, runnin' and tootin' towards the bridge that Harkins runs. That fool old man opened the bridge, and my bull ran across it, fell in the river and drowned.
"Now," the farmer said, "Do you think I could vote for a man that's run that bridge for years but don't know the difference between a boat whistle and a bull blowin' a bugle out his ass?"
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DDL
The wife of a red-headed Celt
Lost the key to her chastity belt.
She tried picking the lock
With an Ulsterman's cock,
And the next thing he knew, he was gelt.
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"Am I a people?"
"No. You're a chicken."
"Do chickens come from people?"
"No. Chickens come from eggs."
"Do people come from eggs?"
"No. People are born."
"Are eggs born?"
"No----eggs are laid?"
"Are people laid?"
"Some are. Others are chicken."
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Q: Did you hear about the gal who wanted to join the Army?
A: She jumped over a campfire and got 'Deferred'.
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When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
---Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
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Hey Martha (true)
Saturday, January 13, 2001
Rolling cop car headed to TV
HOBBS, N.M. (AP) -- The rolling patrol car has 'em rolling in the aisles.
The higher-ups in the Hobbs Police Department didn't think it was funny back in September 1999 when Officer Orin Tubbs forgot to put his patrol car in park, and the car rolled away and nearly hit a mobile home.
Now the incident -- captured by a video camera mounted on the patrol car's dashboard -- is slated for an episode of "Real TV" airing this spring.
Police Department employees gathered Wednesday to view the tape.
"Just watch, you'll be howling," evidence clerk Cindy Ragland told an officer who hadn't seen the tape.
The video shows Tubbs getting out of his police car at a trailer park and approaching a stopped car. Moments later, the stopped car goes out of view and is replaced by a rapidly approaching mobile home. Tubbs is then seen jumping into the patrol car and hitting the brakes.
Capt. Donnie Graham offered the tape to a "Real TV" producer.
"It goes back to the fact we have no problems with showing people the lighter side of police work and that things happen," Graham said.