Daily Dose - 010203 - inaugural address(es), biggest check mark, Polish farmer, DDL, Hey Martha
Because I have sources "on high", I've had sent to me George Bush's first draft of his inaugural address:
"My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to be standing here in front of you, ready to serve all Americans in the 46 states.
"I had to get up a little earlier than I planned this morning. You can bet your big Texas ass that the next time we do this inauguration thing I'll be scheduling it for about 4 in the afternoon.
"To my predecessor, President Clinton, all I can say is, you're a dog. A big ass horned dog. I've signed an Executive Order this morning which will fumigate the cigar smoke smell from the Oval Office and get those spots out of the carpet.
"To Senator Clinton, while you're on Capitol Hill screwing the American public, your husband's going to do the same. One lady at a time. State by state. All 52 of 'em.
"To my dad, President Bush, I've signed another Executive Order changing your name to 'Chester Finklebine.' It's going to be hard enough being the president of these 37 states without getting confused over which one of us I am.
"President Carter, don't you have a Humanity Habitat to build or something? Some peanuts to harvest? A third-world election to monitor or something? President Ford to trip down the stairs or something?
"Oh, I've got the cutest joke about President Reagan, who can't be here today, of course. It seems that Nancy got a call from the doctor who told her that Ronnie had either AIDS or Alzheimer's, but he couldn't remember which one. His advice was, 'If he finds his way home, don't fuck him.'
"Vice President Cheney will be handling all of the really hard work of the US Government, including writing down anyone's name who didn't laugh at my Reagan joke.
"Vice President Gore: Nyah Nyah Na Na Nyah! [note to self, do a little 'hamster dance' to gloat.]
"That's it. I've got some brush to clear on my ranch, and take a big-ass nap, so I'm taking off for a vacation right after this speech, and I'm leaving Dick in charge. Any of you in the 57 states who have a question, call Dick. Just don't forget who's really in charge."
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Here's another draft, provided by Terry in Kuwait...
Bush's Acceptance Speech (first draft)
My fellow Americans, it's about fucking time. All you liberals can just kiss my big, white Texas ass if you think I'm gonna spew a boatload of bi-partisan bull-shit.
Let's set the record straight here. I won, dammit. Hell, I won FOUR OR FIVE TIMES, you stupid bastards.
We got the Presidency, we got Congress, and by the end of four years we'll have even more of the Supreme Court. The Republicans are here, and we're gona show you how it's done.
Ya'll want me to reach across party lines now? How 'bout I reach across and bitch-slap all your sorry-liberal-monkey-asses? How'dya like that?
Don't get me wrong, here. The sense of satisfaction I'm feeling right now isn't that I've won-it's that I won't have to listen to Al Gore bitch and moan about "letting every vote count". The only reason this went as far as it did is because you Democrats have a playground crybaby as your poster-boy, and I for one am glad I won't have to see him on TV anymore.
This might sound snippy, Mr. Gore, but as we used to say in the sandlot...LOSERS WALK!!!
As I said in my campaign, I promised to be a president who focuses on education. My first task as President will be to start an educational program for all you Florida-idiots who can't tell your elbow from your asshole or how to poke a stylus through the right hole.
I don't get you liberal Democrats: when we're talking about Bill Clinton and some office whore, you say that lack of penetration doesn't count; but when it comes to ballots, lack of penetration DOES count.
You want a solution to this problem? Take some Viagra, you old farts, and finish what you started next election. Until then, I want to ask you just one question: "Who's yer daddy???"
And so I humbly accept the office of President of these United States.
Thank you.
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One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in 3rd grade. Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests. So together Donna and her son go over the words for the test, both meaning and spelling of the words.
A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test. He scored 97%, missing only one word. The word was "clock". Part of the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence.
His sentence? "My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" -- only it seems he'd accidentally omitted the letter "L".
Donna said there was no comment on the test, just the biggest check mark she had ever seen.
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Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head.
Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games."
Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen Swedes [apparently a kind of turnip], but then one man seized a chainsaw and cut off the end of his foot.
Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and crying "Watch this then!" swung at his own head and chopped it off.
'It's funny,' said one companion, 'Because when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man.'
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DDL
Roxanne was a cat burglar's daughter,
Stealing diamonds the way he had taught her.
Having hid the hot rocks
In a pouch up her box,
She would relish the search if they caught her.
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How are women like snow flakes???
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face.
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"There are three things that can never be hidden - love, a mountain, and one riding on a camel. "
-----Arab proverb
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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, January 26, 2001
Boy calls cops on sister, 4 'She stole my Lego'
PETERBOROUGH, Ont. (CP) -- Call it Lego larceny.
Local police nearly landed in the middle of a heated toy tussle on Thursday afternoon when they received a phone call about an alleged Lego theft.
A seven-year-old boy told the police dispatcher he wanted his four-year-old sister arrested for stealing his prized building blocks.
The dispatcher eventually spoke to the person who was looking after the squabbling siblings.
According to a police news release: "investigation of the 'crime' was left in the hands of the children's babysitter."