Daily Dose - 010129 - Guess What, FLORIDA BUMPER STICKERS, I'm paralyzed, MID-LIFE WOMEN, DDL, Hey Martha

Guess what?!?!?

I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multi-millionaire!

Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here!

You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket is very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!!

They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!!

And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway. If the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!

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FLORIDA BUMPER STICKERS

I ARE ILLETERATE AND I VOTE

FLORIDA: WHERE YOUR VOTE COUNTS AND COUNTS AND COUNTS AND COUNTS.........

IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU MUST BE A REPUBLICAN

HONK IF YOU LOVE BUCHANAN ---- WAIT ---- NO ---- I MEAN GORE

FLORIDA, WE HAVE TO ASK OURSELVES: IS OUR VOTERS LEARNING?

FLORIDUHHH HAPPENS

MY GRANDCHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE

VOTE FOR GORE: AT LEAST THREE TIMES

I HATE BUTTERFLIES

SORE/LOSERMAN FOR PRESIDENT

FLORIDA: WHY WE NEED BUSH'S EDUCATION PLAN

EYE GRADIATED FRUM PAUM BEECH ELEMENTREE

DON'T BLAME ME! I VOTED FOR GORE TWICE THANK ME!

I MEANT TO VOTE FOR GORE

HOOK'D ON FONIKS WERKED FER ME

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A big "heavy set" housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!"

He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."

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MID-LIFE WOMEN

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life... jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally.(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube to and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"

Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

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DDL

There was a young fellow named Chick
Who fancied himself rather slick.
He went to a ball
Dressed in nothing at all
But a big velvet bow round his prick.

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How To Avoid Shark Attacks

1. Never Leave Kansas
2. Roll in flour before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
3. Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
4. Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy.

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Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of really long words

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"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."

- Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, January 8, 2001

Football seats used as man's headstone

MOUNT LEBANON, Pa. (AP) -- Paul Wellener's family found the perfect marker for his grave -- two blue plastic seats from the Three Rivers Stadium auction.

Wellener, a lifelong football fan and a Pittsburgh Steelers season ticket holder for 42 years, died unexpectedly on March 16. Almost 10 months later, his family hadn't installed a marker at his Mount Lebanon grave.

Then Wellener's son, Paul, and widow, Mary Ann, bought three pairs of stadium seats for $2,100 at the auction -- and knew they had found the perfect gravestone.

"He would just love to have them near him," said Paul Wellener, 38, of Medina, Ohio. "He had not gotten a headstone and we said, 'Why not put two of them seats there?"'

The Welleners say they hope to permanently install the seats on a granite or concrete base with an inscription.