Daily Dose - 010128 - I saw Daddy, BLONDE BROKER CAR TROUBLE, best southern hospitality, Good Girls and Bad Girls, DDL, Hey Martha
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
_________________________
BLONDE BROKER CAR TROUBLE
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
_________________________
Mark and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Mark her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.
Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Mark and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor.
Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"
She replies, "You told me to show Mark my best southern hospitality."
Bubba then says, "Gee whiz girl, arch your back, poor Mark's balls are on the cold kitchen floor."
_________________________
Good Girls and Bad Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
___________________________
DDL
There was a bus driver named Peter,
Who could not have looked any neater.
But his mustache looked funny,
When he combed it with honey,
Thus making his kisses much sweeter.
___________________________
The election is over, the results are known,
The will of the people has clearly been shown.
Let's forget all the quarrels and show by our deeds
that we'll give our President the support that he needs.
Let's all come together. Let bitterness pass.
I'll hug your elephant. You kiss my ass.
____________________________
Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash yesterday?
Some dick cut her off!
____________________________
A man saw President Clinton smoking a pipe and asked, "Hey Bill, I thought you were a cigar man."
President Clinton responded, "Cigars are for pussies!"
_____________________________
The Onion presents:
Jan. 28 is Super Sunday, a day for friends, food, and football. Here are some tips to help you score a "touchdown" with your Super Bowl party:
- Set aside a special area of the living-room floor to throw chicken bones.
- A complete and reverent silence should be maintained whenever Armen Keteyian speaks.
- Before guests arrive, be sure to hide any copies of Harper's Weekly, The Atlantic Monthly, and The New Yorker you may have lying around.
- Pre-soak all Doritos in Pabst Blue Ribbon.
- During commercial breaks, make non-stop sarcastic comments about the stupidity of Super Bowl ads. Rest assured, you'll be the first person in history to do so.
- If you do not know how to watch football on TV, ask an experienced friend to help you through the hard parts.
- The Super Bowl is the premier event of the entire sports year. Be sure to use the good chip bowl and your finest inflatable furniture.
- Provide "dip," into which chips can be dipped.
- If rooting for the Giants, openly question Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis' role in the stabbing deaths of two men outside an Atlanta nightclub following last year's Super Bowl.
- Do not wear a jersey featuring the name and number of an actual NFL player. Confused guests will wonder why a famous athlete is at the party, especially if that athlete is supposed to be playing in the Super Bowl.
- Urinate in each corner of room to mark your territory prior to the arrival of other males.
- At the end of the second quarter, switch over to the Lifetime Network for the Judith Light Halftime Spectacular.
- Select the cars you're going to overturn beforehand, because you're going to be really drunk afterwards.
- Leave nosehairs untrimmed for a minimum of three weeks before game.
____________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, December 19, 2000
Beer might be good for you
HONOLULU (AP) -- That brewski may actually be good for you.
New findings from Canadian and American researchers suggest beer drinking in moderation may reduce heart disease and cataracts by as much as 50 percent -- at least in animals.
A report to the International Chemical Congress of Pacific Basin Societies meeting in Honolulu this week said researchers found that antioxidants in beer help prevent atherosclerois, the arterial disease that causes strokes, most renal failure and most heart failure.
Giving hamsters a human equivalent of two beers a day halved their rate of heart disease, said Joe Vinson of the University of Scranton in Pennsylvania.
Other researchers also found antioxidants in beer that may help protect special parts of cells in the eye, called mitochondria.
Darker ales and stout beers have more antioxidants than lighter lager, said John Trevithick of the University of Western Ontario.
Antioxidants protect the mitochondria against damage, he said. "We think that may be one of the factors that's contributing to the lower risk of cataracts in people who have one drink a day."