Daily Dose - 010127 - Groaner Alert ! - More Puns

Another round of Groaners - You've been warned !

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane.

They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The rescue crew were shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat their...ah, err, 'things'?"

The chief said, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief. "Things go better with Coke."

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Setting: A small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.

There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.

He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.

The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.

The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.

Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.

This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.

The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace ... and once shaved, always shaved."

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Passover is approaching.

At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions,

Pharaoh refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.

This has been known for generations.

What has not been known is why the Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews after the first nine plagues.

It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious The Pharaoh was still in de Nile.

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The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card.

"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.

"Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."

Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed "This is the answer to our prayers!" Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.

He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."

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FOO BIRD

Deep in the tropical rainforests there is a virtually unknown species of bird, the foo bird. The chemical properties of the fecal matter of allow it to create a permanent stain on virtually anything it lands on. Explorers who have discovered this still have the stains on their shirts and hats.

One even had the misfortune to have his hand a target; there is still a mark on his hand.

Of course, there is a moral to this short story.

If the foo shits, wear it.

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Sick Birds

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds.

One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was towering down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."

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DDL

Mother Earth's problems need resolution.
All the candidates promise solutions.
But in the campaign I fear,
That all we may hear,
Is another three months ear pollution.

Joe is an old farming "dude"
Who's not in a real good mood.
The rabbits got in,
Where his veggies had been.
And he can't stand hare in his food.

"Let's try it this new way," said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
"I should be affronted,
But this time I'm taken aback!"

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Q. WHAT DID DELAWARE?
A. Her New Jersey

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The Onion (satire)

New Orleans Adopts $10 Cover Charge

NEW ORLEANS--New Orleans announced plans Monday to impose a $10 cover charge on all nonresidents seeking to enter the city.

"For $10, visitors will receive unlimited access to all bars and nightclubs, three drink tickets, and a free 'Certified Muff Diver' T-shirt," said Mayor Marc Morial, flanked by a pair of the city's bouncers.

"Those who want to leave the city and return before 2 a.m. can get their hand stamped for readmission."

Women who flash their breasts will be admitted at the reduced rate of $8.