Daily Dose - 010124 - In honour of Robert Burns Day, some Scottish jokes
In honour of "Robby Burns' Day" tomorrow, here are some Scottish jokes. (Sorry about the length, chief)
This is a great poem, done in the "Burns" style, passed along by John in Qatar.
Tae a Fert (Rabbi Burns)
Oh what a sleekit, horrible beastie
Lurks in yer stomach efter a feastie.
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin,
There sterts tae stir an enormous wind.
The neeps an' tatties an' mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi' the sonsie face
Will huv ye blawin' a' ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonnae huv tae pay.
Even if ye try tae stifle,
It's like a bullet oot a rifle.
Haud yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try an' stop the leakin' air.
Shift yersel' fae cheek to cheek
An' pray tae God it disnae reek.
But a' yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder.
It ricochets aroon' the room
Michty me! A sonic boom!
God almighty, it fairly reeks
(Ah hope ah huvnae shit ma breeks!)
Straight tae the bog ah better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no' ma worry.
A'body roon' aboot me's chokin',
Wan or two are nearly bokin'.
Ah'll feel much better fur a while,
Ah cannae help but raise a smile.
"Wis him!!" ah shout, wi accusin' glower.
Alas, too late. He's just keeled ower.
"Ya dirty bugger!" they shout and stare.
Ah dinnae feel welcome ony mair.
Where e'er ye be, let yer wind gang free
(sounds jist the job fur thee and me)
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty
Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty.
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An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman.
"Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion?"
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A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
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Jock's wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was 'just wind'.
"Just wind?" she screamed at him. "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"
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When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said,
"Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"
"Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all
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Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked.
"Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"
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Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman.
As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said eprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
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A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties. An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths son!"
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woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies!
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Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.
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Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."
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Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear
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A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."
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At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
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Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
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Have you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.
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A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter
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A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value.
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A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".
The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
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It was a hot summer afternoon, and all the Scots were pursuing their favourite hobby - drinking whiskey in the pub.
Suddenly, the door bursts open, and a man comes in panting, his tongue lolling and totally black in colour.
" What happened , Mac?", inquired one of the regulars.
" Well, a bottle of whiskey fell on the hot tar road. " said Mac.
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The Scottsman comes to his friend in tears.
"My beautiful comb. I broke a tooth on it an now I can't use it anymore. What am I going to do? Now I'll have to buy another one."
"Well," said his friend, "you don't need to buy another just because you lost one tooth on your comb."
"But you don't understand. It was the last tooth."
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There are four kinds of people that live in Great Britian.
First are the Scots, Who hold onto their children and anything else they can get their hands on.
Next are the Welsh, Who pray on their knees and on their neighbors.
Then there are the Irish, Who don't know what they want, but they'll fight anyone for it.
and last are the English, Who consider themselves self made men, which relieves the Almight of any responsibility!
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During a recent international sports meet , one of the Scottish track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and colleagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were used up before it was time to end the festivities.
After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the Scottish coach departed the party.
Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three or four people waiting in the queue.
Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fatigues and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering several bottles of Scotch and rum.
Upon being told the value of his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.
The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.
By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing.
He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with Fidel.
The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.
"Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman.
"Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar." the clerk replied.
Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up his kilt and proudly announced, "SECRET SERVICE!!!"
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What do you call a sober Scot?
Destitute!
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Did you hear about the Scot that got drunk on water?
He also got drunk on land
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What is the difference between a Scot and an Irishman?
One fifth scotch
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A Scottish mother went to visit her son at school in Oxford. While there, she asked him about his neighbors in the dorms.
The boy said that he could not understand how the Brits could study. His mum asked why and he responded, "the one in this room screams all night and the one in that room constantly bangs his head on the wall."
The mother asked "how do you deal with all that racket?" And the boy replyed "I just keep playing me bagpipes!"
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Do you know the name of the Scottish hat checker?
It's Angus McCoatup
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Sales Rep
A sales rep's car breaks down in the Scottish highlands. He sees a farmer and asks him where he can find a mechanic.
"Och none of them aroond here laddie," says the farmer, "We're all McDonalds."
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Girl to man in kilt: "Is anything worn under the kilt?"
Man to girl: "No, it's all in perfect working order!"
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New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male
PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a white pudding supper and 3 pickled onions - his mind set on one thing. LOVE! Or as he says himself, "Ma Nookie !". His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance a ma hole?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply "Awaity fuck ya bam".
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go". Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ya useless bastard" or possibly "It ne'er appens tae ra Milkman".
FELLATIO
Oral sex is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'dya like to put yer teeth roon this?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go'on yersel" she says "jist dinnae disturb me". Unprepared by this slight rejection the man drives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man emerging from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke, "Bastard, you could have told me it was your bad week".
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Fuck me, I've shot ma load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?". Given his level of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man". Eventually its all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig.
There's no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.
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DDL
Do Scotsmen wear kilts for the whistle,
Of wind round their bollocks and gristle?
Or is it the thrill...
When they're climbing a hill...
Of the sharp scratchy tickle of thistle?