Daily Dose - 010123 - CIVIL WAR, bad treatment, eligible for promotion, Tech Stories, DDL, Hey Martha
CNN is reporting that it is revisiting the outcome of the CIVIL WAR.
It appears that it was too close to call and the South may still have a chance.
Documents were found that support the fact that some people joined the wrong side -- apparently they weren't aware that their states were part of the South and they were fighting for the North.
The line between the North and South was "just too confusing" for some.
A recount of all the battles is being simulated with new populations via computer to see who would have actually won.
Right now it's just too close to call.
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My sister and I spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where we went, we were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate us.
One day, in Paris, my sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was look through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.
My sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.
Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.
As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read "Dry Cleaners."
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The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.
The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"
The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . "
"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!"
"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
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Tech Stories
Customer: "It says I have 2 zillion bytes available, and I need 8 zillion."
While in art school, where we mostly worked with Amigas and Macs, a Spanish exchange student asked me if I ever worked with MS-2. I thought he meant OS/2 but he didn't know what that was. It took me some time to figure out that he meant MS-DOS. "Dos" in Spanish means "two."
My grandfather has recently started a course called "Computers for the Terrified." He's nearly eighty and, although used to be an engineer within the British Royal Airforce, is completely stuck when it comes to computers. He came back from his first evening at this course. When asked how it had gone, he replied, "Yes, it was really good. I really enjoyed it, but I really couldn't get to grips with my mole." I stopped for a second, completely puzzled, until I realized he was talking about the mouse.
Customer: "I have a scummy card in my system."
We were looking to hire a secretary. She needed to know WordPerfect, Dbase, and Lotus. This one candidate had no clue as to any of 'em (as I quizzed her on how to do different things). When I got to the spreadsheet, I asked her if she knew Lotus 1-2-3. She said that her boyfriend was helping her and she was through Lotus 1 and 2, and was working on 3.
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
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DDL
The Limerick Form Is Complex
Its Contents Run Chiefly To Sex.
It Burgeons With Virgins
And Masculine Urgeons,
And Swarms With Erotic F/X.
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In an emergency session of Congress, just completed, an official change to the name of one of 50 United States will take place. As of noon today, November 16, 2000, the state formally known as Florida will officially renamed Floriduh.
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Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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SPORT QUOTES
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
--Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
--Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
--Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
--Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
--Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
--George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
--Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
--Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, September 1, 2000
Concertgoers duped by fake orchestra?
HONG KONG (AP) -- In this city of many fakes, from counterfeit Rolexes to bogus Gucci bags, red-faced cultural officials were trying to figure out Friday whether music lovers were duped last month by a fake Russian orchestra.
Thousands of fans paid up to $31 to listen to what was described in programs and advertisements as the Moscow Philharmonic Orchestra. But officials here were troubled upon hearing that the Moscow Philharmonic was supposedly playing in France, Portugal and Spain at the time of the concerts here from Aug. 7 to Aug. 13.
The Leisure and Cultural Services Department said it was demanding that promoters provide an explanation of who was on stage.
"We are still investigating the evidence about this," said Mary Ann Mok, senior marketing coordinator with the government department, which helped promote the concerts.
An executive with the Moscow Philharmonic's agents, Artistic Agency Sovinart (Moscow), said Friday that the orchestra was performing those European dates under the direction of guest conductor Dmitry Yablonsky.
The Hong Kong concert was performed mainly by free-lance musicians, although up to five staff members of the Moscow Philharmonic may have played with the free-lancers, said Eilina Tikhomirova, Sovinart's general director. Sovinart had nothing to do with the Hong Kong concert, Tikhomirova said.
Musicians and orchestra managers for the Moscow Philharmonic were on vacation and could not be reached for comment Friday.