Daily Dose - 010122 - MECHANICAL ARM, IRRITATION, AGGRAVATION, FRUSTRATION, COSMETIC SURGERY, Darwin Awards, DDL, Hey Martha

MECHANICAL ARM

There is this guy who lost both of his arms in an accident. So he goes to the doctor and says "I lost both of my arms in an accident, can ya do anything for me?"

"Your in luck," says the doctor. "I've invented a mechanical arm that does what u tell it to do, but I can only give you one."

"Ok, says the guy."

So later that night he's at a bar showing off his new mechanical arm. He says "Arm, give me a sip off beer." So the arm lifts the mug to his mouth.

After a few drinks, he has the urge to go the bathroom. So he walks up to the stall and says, "Arm, unzip my pants" To his surprise, the arm unzips his pants.

Then he says, "Arm, take my penis out and hold it there while I urinate." Again, the arm obeys every word he says. Then he looks around and says, "Arm, shake my penis." And the arm does it.

Getting an idea, he says, "Arm, shake it some more" And the arm does that.

Then he looks around some more and there's nobody there, so he says, "ARM, JERK OFF!!!!!!!" And suddenly, the arm rips off his penis!

Caught offguard, the man yells, "FUCK!" And the arm proceeds to shove itself up his ass.

In disbelief, the man whimpers, "Shit! Look at that!!"

And the arm shoves it in his eye!!

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IRRITATION, AGGRAVATION, FRUSTRATION

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"

"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.

His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," the person says.

His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation."

"Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.

"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.

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COSMETIC SURGERY

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

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Darwin Awards

Human Hitching Post

2000 Darwin Awards Nominee

Confirmed True by Darwin

(8 March 2000, Nevada) On Thursday afternoon, 29-year-old Andrea was working with her young and spirited Arabian horse, which she had won in a lottery the previous year. The animal was only partially trained, and still a bit spooky. Every time Andrea tried to don its bridle, the horse threw back its head and frustrated her efforts.

Then Andrea had the brilliant idea of tying a rope around the Arabian's head, and fastening the other end around her waist to keep the horse from throwing its head back. That way, she would have both hands free to fasten the bridle.

But horses are 500 times stronger than people, according to Deputy Sheriff Lance Modispacher, who reported that the horse spooked again, threw Andrea off her feet, and began running around its paddock, dragging its erstwhile trainer by the rope around her waist. And the rope was short, so she was trampled right under the horse's feet as it ran.

Her father noticed the commotion and ran to help. Unfortunately his two dogs came with him, and started chasing the horse, nipping at its heels. This did not improve Andrea's situation. He finally managed to lock the dogs away and fetch a knife from the house. With the help of a neighbor, he chased the horse down and cut the rope, freeing the lacerated lass.

But Andrea had already spent ten minutes under the hooves of her horse, and she died a few hours later at a local hospital, a victim of internal injuries and head trauma, the result of her lamentable decision to tie herself to a skittish horse.

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Liposuction Tragedy

1999 Darwin Awards Nominee

Unconfirmed by Darwin

(September 1999, New York) David, a 44-year-old Mineola man, was so desperate to be rid of his flab that he allowed his friend to perform liposuciton on him in his garage. David died in this make-shift medical clinic, the victim of lidocaine overdose.

Anyone dumb enough to lie back and take the medical ministrations of a unlicensed liposuctionist deserves to win a Darwin for his heedless vanity.

The fake physician apolgoized to the man’s family.

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William Tell Overture

2000 Darwin Awards Nominee

Unconfirmed by Darwin

Fish clarifies, "The Swiss archer's name is Wilhelm Tell, he used a crossbow, and legends say he was forced to perform this dangerous act by Bailiff Gessler when he refused to pay homage to the symbol of the King of Habsburg."

(11 April 2000, Kentucky) Larry and his friend Silas decided to reenact the William Tell scene where the famous archer is forced to test his prowess by shooting an apple off his son's head. But instead of apples, they used a beer can, which was closer to hand.

You might suspect that the pair were teenagers, but in fact they were grown men of 47.

Larry put the beer can on his head and urged Silas to shoot. But Silas missed the can, fatally wounding his lifelong friend Larry on Tuesday night.

Authorities said the men had been drinking, and that the shooting was not prompted by an earlier altercation in the parking lot.

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DDL

There was an old fellow called Lear
Who existed on oysters and beer.
He traveled to Spain,
Never came back again,
But I think I can smell him from here!

There once was a guy from Toledo
Who strained as he put on his speedo.
He finally suceeded,
But later conceded,
"The damn thing, it kills my libido!"

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Why didn't NASA send a woman to the moon yet?

Because it does not need to be cleaned!

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Q: How do you know if a girl from Arkansas is a virgin?

A: If she can run faster than her brothers

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Q: What's the difference between a vacuum and a Harley?

A: Vacuums have dirtbags on the inside.

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Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, August 31, 2000

'Dim' vigilantes target MD

LONDON (AP) -- Vigilantes vandalized the home of a prominent children's doctor in Wales, apparently after confusing her title of pediatrician with pedophile, police said.

Dr. Yvette Cloete, a specialist in pediatric medicine at the Royal Gwent Hospital, fled her home after her windows and front door were spray-painted with the word "paedo" -- an abbreviation for the British spelling "paedophile," said Karl Close, chief inspector with the Gwent Police.

"Are they just so dim they don't realize the difference between the two?" Close asked of the attack, which took place Saturday.

"This is a pediatrician who is committed to helping children and somebody targeted her."

Britain has seen a rash of vigilante attacks -- most against victims of mistaken identity -- since the News of the World sensational newspaper published pictures of sex offenders this summer. Across Britain, several people who shared surnames with alleged offenders named by the paper also have had their homes attacked.

The country has been obsessed with the subject of pedophiles since July, when the naked body of an eight-year-old girl was discovered in a South England field, two weeks after she disappeared while playing outside.

Cloete said she has moved into a friend's home and did not plan to return to the rented house, where she lived with her 24-year-old brother Andre. Police said they were satisfied neither sibling had any connection to pedophilia and the doctor was the intended target of the attack.

"It is just unbelievable," she said Wednesday. "It is terrible that people think that they have the right to vandalize your property like this, no matter what you have done."

"You think that your home is a place to go to be safe, so it is a shock when something like this happens," Cloete said. "I suppose I'm really a victim of ignorance."

Close said police were making inquiries but had not yet made any arrests.

In Portsmouth, England, about 110 kilometres southwest of London, police said five innocent families have so far been forced to leave their homes after threats from neighbours.

One man was reported suspected of pedophilia simply because he lived alone and talked about how much he loved his mother.