Daily Dose - 010121 - off the front porch, shipwreck, forget that he's married, BEFORE AND AFTER, DDL, Hey Martha

Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing. He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though, the further away it seemed to get.

One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.

His wife was pretty pissed about his decision. "Jon, you moron. Our neighbors can see you when you do this, you know."

He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again.

Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business.

He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long."

"That's right."

"You went off the porch again, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did."

"We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing out there."

"Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!"

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Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez.

The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the coroner's office, and when he came back he was horrified to find his best friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could.

"Pierre, Pierre!" shouted the gendarme. "That woman -- she is dead!"

"Dead!" howled Pierre jumping up. "Sacre bleu - I took her for an American!"

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Dante wrote me that he and his wife had wakened to a commotion. Turns out their next door neighbor's boyfriend had a . . . well, wife. And the wife was causing a nice little incident.

Dante was jokingly defending the man, explaining that in some rare cases, a severe physical trauma can cause a man to actually forget that he's married.

Dante's wife responded quickly, "Yeah, like a hard blow to the dick."

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BEFORE AND AFTER

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine port.
After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotized by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great ass. Here are the key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

1. Addictions Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in wasted, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.

2. Bodily functions Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.
After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odor. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.

3. Relations/Friends Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.

4. Sex Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Screwing four times a day is not uncommon.
After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

5. Attention span Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.

Overall Evaluation

6. What She Thinks Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships .....but she suspects that you're full of shit.
After: She KNOWS you're full of shit!!

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DDL

I once knew a girl named Petunia
With a marvelous new way of screwin' ya
She would mount from *behind*
Then she'd bump and she'd grind
Which would please ya although it could ruin ya

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(Note: This was an actual letter sent to a major newspaper. It obviously was from someone in Palm Beach.)

Dear Editor,

Today is Veterans Day, so I asked someone who had been in the Armed Service what he did in the military. He said, "I was in the Pacific Theater." I asked him if any other GIs were with him. He said "Yes, there were thousands of us in the Pacific Theater." I asked him how much time he spent in the Pacific Theater. He said that he was in the Pacific Theater every day for five months!

I certainly believe that our fighting men need some recreation, but I think that they don't need to be in the movie theater that long. Back in 1944, for example, our boys in uniform were having a tough time on the beaches of Norway - yet there were thousands of GIs off in the movie theater who could have been helping out. And as a Concerned American, I think it is a bit excessive for a serviceman to be at the picture show every day for five months. Of course, all Veterans were not in the Pacific Theater, and we should be proud of those who fought and who made sacrifices.

A Concerned American

Palm Beach, Florida

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I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me. As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."

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Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a bleach blonde have in common?

A: They both have black boxes.

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, September 26, 2000

Company shares the wealth

Shares $18 million in sale proceeds with employees

By GREG SUKIENNIK-- The Associated Press

BOSTON (AP) -- Many bosses say they value their employees.

Charlie Butcher backed up his words last week with a grand gesture, distributing $18 million among 325 workers after selling the floor-care products and cleaning supplies company his family had owned for 120 years.

"It was like Christmas on Tuesday," said Cindy Hanam, human resources manager of The Butcher Co., which is headquartered in Marlboro, Mass.

"Brawny men you would never think would drop a tear were crying," said Patricia Pazzaneze, 69, a receptionist. "Charlie always told us he loved us, and it wasn't phony."

The bonuses were handed out last Tuesday, just one day after the business was sold to Johnson Wax Professional, a spin-off of S.C. Johnson & Sons of Racine, Wisc.

The Butcher Co. also has plants in Alsip, Ill., and Compton, Calif. Terms of the sale were not disclosed.

Butcher hinted at a recent farewell barbecue that some kind of bonus was in the offing. But he didn't let on how much.

Individual workers would not say how much they were paid. But plant manager Larry Eaton said one worker with 27 years' experience "received something that was well beyond a year's salary and more."

"People were astounded," he said. "Everyone was walking around with their mouths open."

Many employees said they plan to use the windfall to pay off bills, make investments, or make down payments on homes or cars. Hanam said a few employees have already called her to repay loans against their 401(k) retirement plans.

The firm was founded in 1880 by Charlie Butcher's grandfather, Charles Butcher. He was a craftsman who invented a wax for the parquet wooden floors he installed in Boston homes.

The grandson took over the business in 1950 and ran it with his wife, Jane, and their seven children.

Earlier this year, Butcher realized he did not have enough money to invest in needed capital improvements, and looked for a buyer. He said he settled on S.C. Johnson because it is a family-owned business.

Butcher, who lives in Boulder, Colo., said it has long been his belief that his employees were what made him and the business a success.

"I meant it," he said, "and when the opportunity came to put my money where my mouth was, that's exactly what I did."