Daily Dose - 010120 - CRYSTAL BALL PREDICTION, BLIND FISHING, SIGN OF DRINKING, Cynic's Guide To Life, DDL, Hey Martha
CRYSTAL BALL PREDICTION
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
_______________________
BLIND FISHING
A woman goes into a Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She didn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10lb test line. It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all of that just by the sound of its dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it.
He walks behind the counter to the register.
In the meantime the woman farts. At first she was embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her-being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says "That will be $29.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says "Yes madam, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $7.00 and the catfish bait is $2.50."
______________________
SIGN OF DRINKING
A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.
The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."
_______________________
The Cynic's Guide To Life
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is".
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
____________________________
DDL
The sultan got sore at his harem
And thought up this plan for to scare 'em:
He caught a wee mouse
Which he loosed in the house
The confusion is called harem-scarem.
There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
The miller's son, Jack,
Laid her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.
_____________________________
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
_____________________________
What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
_____________________________
Q. What do you give a pedophile who has everything?
A. A bigger parish
________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, June 27, 2000
Modern mummification
High tech, high price -- but what a way to go!
By HANNAH WOLFSON-- The Associated Press
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) -- If burial sounds boring and cremation leaves you cold, here's another idea: mummification.
This isn't your standard wrap, either. We're talking high-tech interment, a combination of ancient art and tomorrow's science. The basic procedure can run about $63,000, according to Summum, a Salt Lake City religious group that says there is little use in shopping around.
"We're the only ones worldwide that do modern mummification," said Corky Ra, Summum's founder and leader.
Think of mummification as just another option for those who don't want to go out the old-fashioned way.
There are already burials at sea, burials in space, chrome-edged caskets for Harley-Davidson buffs and coffins customized with computer software. The ashes of the dearly departed can be dropped from a plane, entombed in a coral reef or used to grow bonsai trees.
"There has been a trend in funeral service over the past decade or so toward more personalized and individualized funeral service rituals," said Kelly Smith, spokesman for the National Funeral Directors Association.
Summum Mummification, National Funeral Directors Association
Summum started researching mummification in 1979, practicing on 30 cadavers contributed by a local medical school. Its method is more advanced than traditional mummification, which involved a salt-like preservative called natron and yards of linen.
In a warehouse behind the gleaming metal pyramid Summum uses for its services, modern-day mummies are cleaned and drained of blood before being soaked for up to six months in a vat of preservation fluid that Ra calls his "secret formula." Afterward, the corpse is covered with lanolin and wrapped with gauze.
Then comes a dozen coats of polyurethane rubber, which dries as tough as a tire, followed by layers of fiberglass bandages, which are used to set the body in the desired position. A bronze mummiform much like those found in the ancient pyramids provides the final layer of protection, and the body is sealed inside with a resin.
Ra got a patent for the procedure, and in 1985 showed it off at a funeral directors' convention in Las Vegas. The reaction was chilly.
"Getting a funeral director to do something different is like moving a mountain," Ra said. "And this is really different."
Summum's general philosophy incorporates aspects of organized religion into a sort of new-age spirituality that includes meditation, science fiction and reincarnation.
Summum, a nonprofit organization, has mummified several pets ($9,000 per cat, $20,000 per dog), but is still waiting for its first human body. Ra said 137 people have paid in advance to be mummified once they die.
Sue Menu, who leads a meditation class, signed up 10 years ago.
"It just felt like it was what I wanted to have done," she said. "To be honest, I hadn't really thought much about it because I was fairly young and I hadn't really even thought about death."
The average traditional funeral costs about $7,000, including burial. Basic cremation is between $1,100 and $1,500.
Mummification is far pricier -- $12,000 for the basic mummification process, plus $36,000 for the simplest bronze mummiform. Then there's the cost of shipping a body to Salt Lake City, about $5,000; and arrangements and mausoleum space, which the group estimates at at least $5,000.
"The advantage to mummification unravels when you compare prices," Smith said.
Ra likes to joke that everyone who signs a contract seems to live forever.
"People always ask, 'When is your first person going to die so you can mummify them?"' Ra said. "All of our people are in really good health. I don't know anybody even near death."