Daily Dose - 010117 - physical checkup, monthly bleeding, your enemy, Urban Legends Debunked, DDL, Hey Martha

A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"One-seventy."

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 183.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Five-eleven."

The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5' 8 1/2". She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.

The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and wiry. Now, I'm short and dumpy."

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One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

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It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "My God; the cook's working for the Germans!"

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Urban Legends Debunked

Kangaroo takes off with jacket and valuables

Status: Old Story - Highly unlikely.

The Story:

Some tourists were driving in a car through the Australian bush when they hit a large old-man red kangaroo.

What a great photo opportunity! The animal stood about six feet tall and would really impress the pals back home So our intrepid visitors propped the roo up, and to add that little bit of humour, one of the blokes put his jacket on the roo.

You guessed it! The roo was only stunned and promptly hopped off into the distance complete with jacket, wallet, passport etc.

That kangaroo has been hopping away with expensive goods long before there was a Gucci.

Australian folklorist Bill Scott found a version of the story from 1902. In that one, the kangaroo is hit not by a car, but a train.

Depending on who tells the tale, the kangaroo makes off with a variety of loot, including designer jackets, RayBan sunglasses, cherished bush hats, clunky gold jewelery hung around its neck, a camera (also slung around its neck to give the creature that proper 'touristy' look), and, of course, the keys to the vehicle.

Considering how popular this tale is, if all those Gucci-draped kangaroos ever set up shop to divest themselves of what they've made off with, the species will be set for life!

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DDL

The next time you meet Millie Day,
And she lures you to bed for a lay,
Remember, you simp,
I'm her bona fide pimp,
And get half the cash that you pay!

___________________________

I AM WOMAN -- HEAR ME ROAR!
If you don't open my door.

I CAN DO ANYTHING A MAN CAN DO!
But I don't have to.

I AM NOT YOUR HOOKER!
But you're still gonna pay.

SEX IS A SPECIAL THING!
And a damn good weapon.

MY BODY BELONGS TO ME!
Until I get a dinner and a movie.

I DON'T SLEEP AROUND!
Until I do a credit check.

I CAN FIGHT IN COMBAT!
But I can't kill a spider.

I NEVER TELL A LIE!
But I will fake an orgasm.

I'M THE REAL MCCOY!
Except for my boobs and my face.

I'M VERY PROUD OF MY AGE!
Which is none of your damned business.

_________________________

Guy: "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute."

Girl: "What am I, a microwave?"

__________________________

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.
I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
-- Steven Wright

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, August 1, 2000

Speedy thinking

Edmonton motorist offers innovative excuse

EDMONTON (CP) -- A motorist caught going twice the posted speed limit on one of Edmonton's main roads recently offered an innovative excuse when stopped by police.

The 31-year-old was clocked going 138 km/h in a 60 km/h zone down Calgary Trail. He told officers he was on his way to a mandatory defensive driving course and would lose his licence if he was late.

The officers didn't buy it, seized his car and issued a mandatory court appearance.

(Ed. note: I'll resist the urge to comment on Edmontonians again.....)