Daily Dose - 010116 - YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING, POPE'S CROSSWORD PUZZLE, BONY HUSBAND, Darwin Awards, DDL, The Onion

YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING

Did you know that the expression "You Gotta Be Kiddin!" is historic? Well, it is! It goes back to the Revolutionary War!

One dark, cold wintry night George Washington was in retreat with a group of his soldiers from one of his early defeats on the battlefield. With a weary little group of his men he entered a small town and went up to the first house and knocked on the door.

The lady of the house opened the door and Washington said, "Ma'am, I'm General Washington and I am trying to find a place for my men to sleep tonight. Do you have any extra beds in your house?"

The woman answered, "Oh, I have eleven children. I don't think so. Oh, yes! I do have one bed if that will help you."

Washington turned around and called out, "Sergeant Cox, front and center."

The sergeant went on into the house and the group moved on to the next house, which, unbeknown to Washington, was a "house of ill-repute."

The Madame came to the door and George told his sad story and asked if she had any beds for his men. She said, "Do we have beds??? How many men do you have?"

Washington looked around and said, "Fourteen without Cox."

The Madame said, "You gotta be kiddin!"

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POPE'S CROSSWORD PUZZLE

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

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BONY HUSBAND

On News Year's Eve, a thin and bony husband is walking around in the house wearing only his boxers.

His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, "Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."

"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your husband..."

"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there's nothing that I should feed you for."

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Darwin Awards

Instant Relief of Nausea

2000 Darwin Awards Nominee

Unconfirmed by Darwin

(April-May 2000, Tokyo) A seventeen-year-old boy was feeling nauseous so he leaned over to expel from his bowels their disagreeable contents. This would have been fine if he were in a washroom leaning over the porcelain god or by the side of the road leaning over a ditch. Unfortunately he was neither in a washroom nor by the road, but instead standing on the platform of a train station.

Instead of rushing to the washroom or finding a trash bin, our young Einstein decided to bend over the edge of the platform and vomit on the tracks below.

An incoming train could not tolerate this desecration of its tracks, and quickly made its objection clear to the boy by slamming into the side of his head as it entered the station.

Trains come into a station at a relatively high speed and their mass ensures that any contact whatsoever would be devastating to say the least.

Needless to say, the cause of death was listed as severe head trauma -- but we all know that the real cause was already inside the fractured skull before there was any contact between the train and the cranial exterior.

In fact, the real cause was inside every single cell in the poor victim’s body: Stupidity associated with swimming in the shallow end of the genetic pool.

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Father Knows Best

2000 Darwin Award Winner

Confirmed True by Darwin

This is a classic Darwin. The man will no longer reproduce, and his son obviously had better genes for survival than his father-his mother's contribution, plus the more robust half of his father's genes. Although a man who could inspire such rage in a child is not a sympathetic figure, it is unfortunate that his son was traumatized.

(13 March 2000, New Jersey) It started out like a scene from The Brady Bunch. Andrew and his fiancée were living together with his three children and her three children in Dover Township, when an argument over chocolate cake icing erupted.

Andrew accused his ten-year-old son of taking the missing container, and the two became embroiled in a heated disagreement. Andrew took the boy out to the garage for a private discussion, and there the conversation became even more emotional. Then the man made his fatal mistake.

He handed a five-inch kitchen knife to his angry son, and challenged the boy to stab him if he hated him so much. The boy put the knife down, but Andrew picked it up and placed it in his hand again. In the heat of the moment the outraged boy took him up on the offer and plunged the knife into his chest. The deadly blow happened so fast that no one could stop it.

Andrew was pronounced dead at Community Medical Center. His last words were "Would you believe the kid did that?"

The fourth grader, charged with manslaughter and illegal possession of a weapon, faces up to three years imprisonment. But Ocean County prosecutor E. David Millard said it was unlikely that he would serve jail time, as the boy had been provoked.

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DDL

There was a young harlot named Schwartz,
Whose pussy was studded with warts,
And they tickled so nice,
She drew a high price,
From the studs at the summer resorts

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"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing"

-- Redd Foxx

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Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.

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A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,

and another woman makes a fool of him in 20 minutes!

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The Onion (satire)

Terrorist Extremely Annoyed By Delayed Flight

CHICAGO--His flight from O'Hare to LaGuardia delayed more than six hours, Hamas militant and would-be suicide bomber Nidal Hanani vowed never again to fly United Airlines.

"I do not have time for this," said Hanani, seated at a Burger King in Concourse C, a plastic-explosives-filled duffel bag at his feet. "My jihad against the West was supposed to be carried out shortly after takeoff at 8:35 this morning. It is now 2:50 p.m. How much longer must I sit around this airport like an idiot before God's will is done?"

Added Hanani: "They said the plane is still in Denver, where they are still waiting for a pilot from another flight. Screwed up, this United is."

Compounding Hanani's frustration is the fact that his two previous flights--a commuter shuttle from Assira al-Shamaliyeh to Damascus followed by a redeye from Damascus to Chicago--were also delayed by more than four hours each.

"The bile churns within me, I am so outraged," Hanani said. "I go to the ticket counter, and the females wearing men's clothing tell me, 'We can put you on standby and try to get you on a 4 p.m. flight.' Why do they say this word, 'try'? I did not buy a ticket for a 4 p.m. flight. I buy a ticket for a 8:35 a.m. flight."

"I have kneeled toward Mecca three times today already," added Hanani, gesturing eastward in the direction of a TCBY stand. "Still I wait."

Shortly after 3 p.m., Sherrie Walker, a United Airlines representative, announced that anyone on Flight 225 willing to give up his or her seat and fly early the next day would receive overnight lodging and a $500 voucher good for travel on United anywhere in the continental U.S. Hanani declined the offer.

"Why should I want to fly again on this lousy airline that has given me nothing but the most profound of aggravation? Even for a free $500 ticket, it is not worth it," Hanani said. "Besides, I cannot wait even one more day to deliver my urgent message to the world that Islam is the true religion of God and that its truth is manifest in its power."

United Airlines spokespersons blamed the delay on a combination of factors, citing bad weather in the airline's Denver hub and the ongoing labor dispute with its pilots union. The pilots' refusal to work overtime in protest of the pace of contract talks has been a major factor in United canceling as many as 20,000 flights this summer.

"I do not care about labor problems," said Hanani, fidgeting with his small, radio-activated bomb detonator. "All I know is, I pay for ticket, I expect to fly. If these infidels cannot fly me, they should not take my money. I would not have such headaches on Syrian Arab Airlines, that is for certain."

Hanani then rose and walked to a wall of monitors to read the list of scheduled departures for the fifth time in less than an hour.

"Why are these airlines so incompetent?" Hanani asked fellow frustrated traveler Colleen Mayes, who was stranded at O'Hare when her Delta Airlines flight to Salt Lake City was canceled after a five-hour delay. "It can only be the lack of discipline in this corrupt, immoral Western country."

"At least I am far less helpless than all the other Flight 225 passengers who wait with me," continued Hanani, eating a Pizza Hut personal pan pizza he bought for "a ridiculous amount of money." "Unlike them, I shall reach my destination--the Kingdom of Heaven."

One problem Hanani has not encountered is interference from O'Hare security. When Flight 225 finally does take off, the fundamentalist's bomb, disguised as a piece of geological research equipment, is expected to kill all 300-plus passengers and crew members.

"I was afraid they would tell me that my bag is too big to be carry-on and that I must check it," Hanani said. "The detonator signal does not work if the bag is underneath plane. Fortunately, I was able to take as carry-on. Praise God."

Informed of Hanani's dissatisfaction, United customer-service supervisor Bill Stringer offered his apologies.

"We're very sorry that one of our valued customers has been inconvenienced by our travel delays," Stringer said. "But I can assure Mr. Hanani that we are taking every step possible to get him to his destination just as soon as we can. United Airlines is fully committed to addressing its problems and providing better service in the future."

For now, Hanani continues to wait. All he can do, he said, is hope there are no further delays.

"Upon my death, be it 6 p.m. or 9:30 or midnight, I know I shall be rewarded manifold for my stalwartness," Hanani said. "But try my patience, this incompetent airline does. On the Day of Judgment, may United's employees and those of its subsidiaries be condemned to the pits of Hell for all eternity."