Daily Dose - 010115 - THE UNHAPPY MAN, JAPANESE BRIDE, HOOKER TALES, Urban Legends Debunked, DDL, Hey Martha
THE UNHAPPY MAN
A man lost both of his arms in a car accident. When he recovered in the hospital, he found that he was useless and decided to commit suicide by jumping out of a 10th-story window. As he looked down from the window, he saw a man with no arms just like him dancing wildly and happily on the street. He decided to find out what made this man so happy.
Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."
The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."
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JAPANESE BRIDE
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pickup husband's clothes she accidentally let out a big fart.
She looked up, smiled at him, and said: "Excuse please. Front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud."
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HOOKER TALES
Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.
"I entertained a cowboy last night," says the first.
"How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."
"Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others say.
"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time."
They agree he sounded like a lawyer.
"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is asked.
"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."
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Urban Legends Debunked
Claim: Deep in the heart of Australia a self-proclaimed prince rules over his self-proclaimed principality.
Status: True.
Origins: In 1994 I heard the most amazing interview on the radio. Someone was selling fake royal titles of the principality of Hutt River Province -- and right under Prince Leonard's nose too!
Now I'll bet you're asking where the blazes Hutt River Province is and who is Prince Leonard. Well, he's an Aussie, and Hutt River Province is what he chose to call his homeland after he seceded from Australia. Some years ago he had a disagreement with the government Down Under, so he declared his land no longer part of Australia and named himself prince of this new country. He rules HRP along with his wife, Princess Shirley.
They have their own currency (which is apparently worthless). But tourism is booming in HRP as many people stop by to visit this country within a country.
Prince Leonard and his principality were in the news in 1994 because some imposter was peddling "fake" HRP titles through a direct mail campaign. For a mere $10 Cdn, this con artist would provide anyone with documentation that proclaimed the bearer related to Prince Leonard and thus in the line of succession to the throne. Quelle scam.
But more about Prince Leonard and his wacky principality, eh? A 1989 news article about him said:
Australians have always been known for their independent spirit, but Leonard George Casley has carried his a lot farther than the government expected. It has been almost 20 years since Casley protested a government-imposed wheat quota of 1,647 bushels for his 18,500-acre Western Australia farm. When he claimed the dollar returned on such a small crop would hardly pay the interest on the loan due for two of his four tractors, his complaints fell on deaf ears. He then "seceded" from the Commonwealth of Australia and has since been ignoring every government order to cease and desist.
Australian authorities made the mistake of addressing him on occasion as "The Administrator" of his self-proclaimed Principality of Hutt River Province. It was a slip of the official pen that Casley claims is equivalent to de facto recognition. Since "secession," Casley has proclaimed himself a prince. He's bestowed honors, titles and knighthood, issued proclamations and edicts, designed a flag, printed postage stamps, and issued both coins and currency that he claims to be "legal tender" in the principality.
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DDL
I chase all the girls when I'm spunky
A five day a week sexual junky
I tend not to stray
On Tues- or Wednesday
On those nights I spank my own monkey.
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HAIRCUT STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES
MARINES: Heads will be shaved.
ARMY: Stylish flat-tops for all recruits.
NAVY: No haircut standard.
AIR FORCE: Complete make-overs as seen on the Jenny Jones show.
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My wife and I always kiss each other goodnight.
It's like touching gloves before we spend the night fighting over the covers!
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"All men are mortal.
Socrates was mortal.
Therefore,.... all men are Socrates."
-- Woody Allen
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, September 15, 2000
Mom to write obit for living daughter
ROGERS, Ark. (AP) -- A mother who pleaded guilty to driving without strapping her 3-year-old daughter in a safety seat was ordered to write the girl's obituary -- even though the youngster is alive.
Robyn Denise Skillian, 24, filed suit Thursday to void the sentence, calling it cruel and unusual punishment.
Skillian pleaded guilty to the traffic offense Tuesday before Municipal Judge Doug Schrantz, who also ordered her to pay $125 for a fine and court costs.
"Judge Schrantz's order is morbid and borders upon being sadistic," the complaint says.
The child was in the back seat of the vehicle and was wearing a seatbelt when the citation was written, the lawsuit says.
The toddler has been critically ill and at times near death from a condition that prevents her from breathing properly, according to the lawsuit. The judge was unaware of the girl's mental and physical disabilities at sentencing.
"Every day of this child's life has been a tremendous struggle for her mother," the lawsuit says.
Schrantz said he stands by the sentence.