Daily Dose - 010114 - CLEVER PLAN, WHERE'S THE RAKE?, stop stuttering, Real Science Papers, DDL, Hey Martha

CLEVER PLAN

A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk."

Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?

Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue..."

"Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?"

"Well, sure," says Dave. "I just got paid."

"Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and barf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"

What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.

Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: "Damn it, Dave - I've told you! That's it!"

"Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!"

She yanks the money out of his hand. "Dave, this is a $100 bill."

"Well," Dave replies, "that same drunk shit my pants as well."

__________________________

WHERE'S THE RAKE?

A couple is doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a shower. The man is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?"

She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [I], points to his knee [need] and then makes raking motions.

"What?" she yells.

So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, points to her left breast, points to her ass, and then to her crotch.

Her husband is totally confused [and somewhat aroused] so he goes in the house. Upstairs, he leans around the corner and asks, "What did you say?"

She says, "I said, eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

___________________________

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he doesn't succeed. Finally, he goes to a world-renowned doctor for help.

The doctor examines him and says, "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much that it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."

"What's the cure, doctor?" asks the man.

"We have to cut off 6 inches," replies the doctor.

The man thinks about it and, eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation.

The operation is a success, and the man stops stuttering. Two months later, he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put the six inches back on. Not hearing anything on other end of the line, the man repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"

Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!"

___________________________

Excerpts from Real Science Papers Written by Kids

One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

___________________________

DDL

There was a young lady, Ann Heiser,
Who said no man could suprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder, Budweiser.

___________________________

Did you know that if you stand naked in a room illuminated only with black lights, and cover your penis with Vaseline and then coat it with Tide laundry detergent it will sparkle ?

(who was the sicko who thought this one up ?)

____________________________

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things

____________________________

I went to see a psychic. He was no-good. He took one of my checks

____________________________

Pythagorean theorem : 24 Words

The Lord's Prayer : 66 Words

Archimedes' Principle : 67 Words

The 10 Commandments : 179 Words

The Gettysburg Address : 286 Words

The Declaration of Independence : 1,300 Words

The U. S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage : 26,911 Words

(Ahhh...the power of government.)

____________________________

Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, September 13, 2000

Kangaroo terrorizes family

SYDNEY, Australia (AP) -- A Kangaroo terrorized a family in a northern Australian town for three hours after smashing through their glass front door in the middle of the night, police said Wednesday.

Five children were sleeping in the house in Jabiru, a mining town 125 miles west of the Northern Territory capital of Darwin, when the 51/2-foot-tall animal crashed in shortly after midnight, injuring itself.

The children's mother, Lisa Miller, called police.

"There was blood and broken glass everywhere, blood all over the child's bed and up the walls," said Constable Alistair Taylor, one of two officers who came to the scene. Taylor and his partner, Constable Tim Perry, spent two hours trying to coax the crazed and wounded animal out of the house with a curtain rod and a rake.

The ordeal ended when police roped the animal and hustled it into a police car. The kangaroo was put down.