Daily Dose - 010113 - HORNY MERMAID, My daddy drowned all four, call me a vet, GRASS SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS, DDL, Hey Martha

HORNY MERMAID

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.

She said,"I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right."

And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.

Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"

And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

_________________________

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks.

An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him. "What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"

"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!"

"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily," Your father is a real bastard!'

"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."

_________________________

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"

"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife.

The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow!"

_________________________

GRASS SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS

(snipped from Daily Chuckle to subscribe email daily_chuckle-subscribe@egroups.com )

"Rattlesnake Roundup," March 8, 1995, Sweetwater, Texas.

Grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. A little green snake was hidden in one of them and when it was sufficiently warmed up, it came slithering out and went under the sofa. The wife saw it and let out a big scream.

The husband was taking a shower but, when he heard his wife scream, ran to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from the sofa. The EMS saw it and dropped the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake, so he armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone.

The wife sat down on the sofa in relief. But as her hand dangled in between the cushions, she felt the snake. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man tried to use his long forgotten CPR skills.

The neighbor's wife, who had been at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, an injury calling for hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint.

She saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey and listened as the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. That put the woman and the snake right back in worse shape than they were in when the whole thing started.

The snake was badly unnerved, As was the woman.

________________________

DDL

There was a bulldog named Caesar,
Saw a cat and decided to tease 'er,
But she scratched and she spit,
Till the big bulldog quit,
Now Caesar just sees 'er and flees 'er!.

To a (hopefully) overnight mate;
He said: "Baby, you sure do look great!"
With a stare like cold death,
She just said: "Save your breath;
You will need it to blow up your date!"

_________________________

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, ...it's one of the best."

-- Woody Allen

_________________________

Wear short sleeves:

Support your right to bare arms!

_________________________

MEAL STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES

MARINES: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.

ARMY: One hot meal, 2 MRE's.

NAVY: 3 hot meals.

AIR FORCE: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.

___________________________

Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, August 16, 2000

Cops hunt teddy bear

ADAMS, Mass. (AP) -- The black bear appeared to be deep in a slumber in Margaret Lowry's garden. Even a blast of a police cruiser siren and a special noisemaking device didn't rouse it.

Finally, a poke confirmed the reason for the critter's sound sleep: It was a teddy bear.

Lowry, concerned because of recent sightings of bears in her Berkshire Hills town, had called police early Tuesday to report the bear in her back yard.

Two police officers tried to wake the 4-foot-long bear by sounding their cruiser's siren, but it didn't stir. An environmental police officer, called for backup, tried to get it moving with a device that sounds like a firecracker. Still, nothing.

Finally, an officer gave the bear a poke with a long prod, and that's when they discovered it was stuffed.

Dispatcher Gregory Charon says police had no reason to suspect the creature wasn't real.

"Based on what's been happening this summer, it wasn't something the officers wanted to get close to without knowing," Charon said.

Police didn't know who put the bear in the garden. "It must have been some type of prank," said dispatcher Tony Piscioneri.