Daily Dose - 010110 - EMBARRASSING PROBLEM, STUCK SHEEP, BULLETIN, Darwin Awards, DDL, Hey Martha
EMBARRASSING PROBLEM
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
_____________________
STUCK SHEEP
A farmer and his son where taking a walk about their land when they came across this sheep that was stuck between a fence so she could not move at all. So the old man said to the younger one, "Son, now I will show you what you will get when you will get all this land."
Then the old man pulled his pants down and begins humping the sheep. When he´s been doing that for some time, the son is always saying "Father may I now? Father, please let me do now."
The old man get´s tired of this so he decides to let the boy give it a try. "Okay son. You can try now."
The son jumps to the fence, unleashes the sheep, pulls his trousers down, gets between the fence, and bends over saying, "Okay father, I´m ready."
_____________________
STATE OF OHIO DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES
BULLETIN NO. 981059
---------------------------------------------------------
DATE: October 21, 2000
TO: All Ohio Vehicle Owners
FROM: Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles
SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches
Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 69-13, all motor vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after Oct. 21, 2000 will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. Ohio DMV Act 69-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles.
The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.
Included in the above act and beginning October 21, 2000, all other vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle.
Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date.
It is recognised that this will cause some hardship for the driving public, however, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. A recent study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Nightime Highway Traffic Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that 96% of all Ohio nightime highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel...
Thank You
______________________
Darwin Awards
Home Grown Parachute
2000 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin
(25 May 2000, Philippines) We all enjoy learning from the past. Reflect back to November 24, 1971, aboard a Northwest Orient Airlines flight in Portland. A man who had purchased his ticket under the name of "Dan Cooper" demanded two hundred thousand dollars in cash and four parachutes. The plane made a landing in Seattle to accommodate his requests and disgorge the passengers. Once the plane was back in the air, Cooper asked how to lower the tail stairs, and then ordered the flight attendant out of the cabin. When the plane landed in Reno, the tail stairs were open and Cooper and the money were gone.
For all his cool demeanor, Cooper had the crosshairs of evolution on him when he decided to jump. There was a freezing rainstorm outside, and the wind chill from the plane's velocity dropped the effective temperature to -60 degrees Fahrenheit. To seal his fate, he jumped with no food or survival gear into a heavily wooded forest in winter at night.
The peanuts provided on the plane were just not enough to sustain his life. It is assumed that the man the FBI called D. B. Cooper died in the mountains or hit the Columbia River and drowned. History, then, teaches us that one cannot jump out of an airplane and survive. You would think that a hijacker would know better, but…
We turn to Davao City in the Philippines this year. Augusto was a man with a mission. He boarded a Philippine Air flight to Manila, and donned a ski mask and swim goggles. Then he pulled out a gun and a grenade and announced that he was hijacking the plane. Apparently security is a bit lax at the Davao City airport.
He demanded that the plane return to Davao City, but the pilots convinced him that the aircraft was low on fuel, and they continued on toward Manila. Augusto, undaunted, robbed the passengers of about $25,000 and ordered the pilots to lower the plane to 6,500 feet.
When a lunatic with a gun orders you to descend, you descend. Meanwhile, Augusto strapped a homemade parachute onto his back, and forced the flight attendants to open the door and depressurize the plane.
He probably intended to jump, but the wind was so strong that he had trouble getting out of the plane. Finally one of the flight attendants helpfully pushed him out the door, just as he pulled the pin from the grenade. He threw the pin (oops!) into the cabin, and fell toward the earth carrying the business end of the grenade in his hand.
The impact of Augusto hitting the earth at terminal velocity had little effect on the earth's orbit. All that remained aboveground were Augusto's two hands.
So history repeats itself with a new twist.
1. Don't throw yourself out of a perfectly good airplane.
2. If you feel compelled to violate Lesson 1, at least don't roll your own... parachute, that is.
_______________________
DDL
There once was a man named Ted
Who had pot growing out of his head.
The cause of those weeds
Was from smoking the seeds
Or so I have heard it been said.
_______________________
"Faith" is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
_______________________
Support wildlife:
Vote for an orgy!
_______________________
Yo momma so dumb, she thought X-Lax was a muslim.
_______________________
Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, August 17, 2000
Mormon sex manual jumps off city shelves
By SCOTT PATTISON -- Edmonton Sun
EDMONTON -- Missionaries and bishops may not have time to read it, but members of the city's Mormon faith are warming up to a new book on sex and intimacy in record numbers.
"I can't wait to take one home and read it myself, but I don't want to risk it with so many customers wanting one," said Cindy Suelzle, the owner of Generations LDS Bookstore, 3907 98 St.
Suelzle was referring to a new book by authors Douglas Brinley and Steven Lamb, Between Husband and Wife, a gospel perspective on marital intimacy for Mormons.
Sales of the book, published by Covenant Communications in Utah, have rivalled Standing For Something, the new book by Mormon big cheese, prophet Gordon B. Hinckley. It's even challenging the children's book, Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, for popularity in the U.S.
Suelzle said she currently has the book on back order, and has made several calls to the book's publisher to deliver more copies, "as soon as they can.
"I've had huge sellers before, but it's been quite phenomenal."
Sex may sell, but what could be so different about a sex manual for a specific faith?
"Because in the world's attitude (about sex), if it feels good, just do it," she said, adding, "we (Mormons) don't agree with that. There are quotes from prophets and general authorities, and that's what's so unique about this book."
Some of the book's chapters are entitled Better Marriage, Better Intimacy, The Honeymoon, What I Wish I Had Known, and thoughts for both husbands and wives.