Daily Dose - 010108 - fastest thing in the world, I wish *I* were a book, written in the Bible, Bizarre News, DDL, Hey Martha

Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.

First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."

Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."

Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."

Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."

All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"

Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a bunchajalapeno and some chili peppers I never say before."

First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"

Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on . . ."

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"Preet, for heaven's sake, why can't you just TALK to me once in awhile?" cried Judi.

"Huh?" Lizard Pecker responded.

"Look around you!" she motions. "All these books. Your head is forever buried in these books. You don't even know I'm alive!"

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"You know, sometimes I wish *I* were a book. Then you'd at least look at me."

"Hmmm," Preet pondered, "that's not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

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There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started making passes, when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil:

"The hat check girl puts out!"

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Bizarre News....

Bizarre Convict Lawsuits

A lawsuit filed by Missouri inmates claimed that a limit on Kool-Aid refills constitutes "cruel and unusual punishment.

An inmate in New York sued for his "constitutional right" to use pink towels instead of the prison white ones.

A Utah prisoner filed a $1 million lawsuit against the state for suspending a program which provided hair transplants for prisoners. He claimed "emotional suffering."

A New York inmate who claimed he was locked in his cell for taking an extra piece of cake in the mess hall was awarded $200 in damages.

Douglas Jackson, a Florida inmate, has filed dozens of lawsuits, including one because the prison served him cold food, and another because he was forced to watch "junk TV" since he didn't have access to public television.

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But Will She Do Windows?

The Riverside Country Hotel in Derbyshire is receiving cleaning services from beyond the grave. The spring cleaning ghost, who is thought to be a former housekeeper called Ella, makes beds, sweeps the floor and works the trouser press.

The owners of the hotel discovered that the establishment was haunted when guests complained about maids walking through their bathrooms while they were soaking in the bathtub.

Hotel manager James Lamb added: "The girls kept coming downstairs and asking who'd cleaned room four, when none of them had been in there."

[I would like to be haunted by a bank teller who leaves deposits in my dresser drawers.]

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Naked Jailbird Flies the Coop

CEDARBURG, Wisconsin - A suspected bank robber exposed more than his guilt when he allegedly grabbed a guard's gun, shot off his chains and ran off in the nude.

The 24-year-old man was arrested for armed robbery and was taken to a hospital for treatment for heroin withdrawal.

It was reported that the man's gown came off as he fought his way out of the hospital.

The pursuit ended when police shot him in the buttocks.

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Dying is a Grave Matter in France

FRANCE - According to the major of the small French Riviera resort town of Le Lavandou, it is forbidden to anyone who does not have a burial plot to die within town limits.

Major Gil Bernardi reported that he knows that this is such a strange request but says "it's no less absurd than the court order which banned us from building a new cemetery on the grounds that the seaside terrain where we want to build comes under rules protecting the environment."

Bernardi concluded by saying, "I issued the decree yesterday hoping for official attention. No one has died since then and I hope it stays that way."

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Fallen Futon Puts Woman in Tight Squeeze

MISHAWAKA, Indiana - An Indiana couple should seriously consider hiring professional movers next time after Marsha Huntsinger got stuck between two external walls while trying to retrieve a fallen futon mattress.

Huntsinger had to be rescued by a fire crew after she spent half-an-hour jammed 20ft off the ground between two external walls of the flat in Mishawaka.

Her husband Niles had lowered her down on a rope to try to get the futon, but she became wedged in the 16in gap between the walls and had to be freed by firefighters. The rescuers also managed to save the futon.

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Stinging Incident Not a Sweet Deal for Elderly Woman

LAKE FOREST, California - Workers at a retirement community will have to "bee" more careful after a 77-year-old woman was stung 500 times.

The woman was reportedly attacked when a hive was disturbed by workers at Freedom Village retirement community.

Paramedics who responded had to don bee veils and protective clothing to treat the woman.

According to Liz Bear, a spokeswoman for Saddleback Memorial Medical Center, the woman remained conscious while hundreds of stingers were removed and was expected to remain hospitalized for several days.

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Termites Take a Bite out of Impotency Problems

MALAYSIA - Entomologist Michael Chia claims termites will take a "bite" out of intimacy problems.

According to Chia, who is known as the "White Ant King" in Malaysia, the little insect is a natural aphrodisiac. He claims slipping a couple of mites into your mouth and letting them wriggle, alive, down your throat is sure to stoke the fires of passion, if it doesn't turn the stomach.

Chia hand-picks the fattest termites from the forests of Kuala Lumpur, then sells for about $10.

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DDL

In the harem a lonely girl calls
But the guard takes no notice at alls
When asked if he cheats
On the sultan he bleats
"Oh I would, but I ain't got the balls".

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Q: My wife/girlfriend says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass.

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.

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Little Kids

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you...

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Mother McGee went to drive C:
to find her poor Windows a byte
But, when she enquired, all drive space expired
And not even Stacker would put it right.

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Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, August 30, 2000

Navy crews making love not war

By DEAN BEEBY-- The Canadian Press

HALIFAX (CP) -- Men and women aboard Canada's navy ships are getting it on more often than their commanders may be aware, new survey results suggest. "I have served on two mixed-gender ships," said one male sailor. "While for the most part, people behave professionally, it has always been the case that sex occurs."

Said another: "After serving on a mixed-gender ship for two years I know for a fact that sailors become intimate despite what policies and leaders dictate."

The responses, released under the Access to Information Act, suggest a hidden level of forbidden sexual activity within the narrow confines of Canada's warships, where men and women work closely at sea for months at a time.

The anonymous poll of 826 navy men and women was conducted last year. Only summary results have previously been made available -- the military refused to release detailed comments from respondents.

But after a complaint by The Canadian Press to the Information Commissioner of Canada, National Defence this week provided the verbatim written responses.

The survey was conducted to help determine whether Canada should allow female sailors to serve aboard Canada's new Victoria-class Upholder submarines, the first of which arrives in Halifax on Oct. 22.

Unlike surface ships, accommodations on the cramped subs would likely be co-ed.

The problem of sexual temptation is a recurring theme in the compilation of more than 300 often-blunt comments from both males and females:

"With mixed accommodation on a sub I have no doubt that fraternization would take place when the sub is deployed. It happens quite a lot at sea -- more than people are willing to admit."

"It will not be failure of leadership nor guidelines for conduct when boys and girls get together in close quarters and high-stress conditions and do what they are genetically predisposed to do."

"My observations and personal experiences showed mixed-gender ships were not always successful . . . and led to . . . several broken marriages."

"It would be unrealistic to make a close environment like a submarine mixed gender and not expect a lot of fraternization and sexual misconduct."

The navy began a concerted effort to put women sailors aboard surface ships after a 1989 human rights tribunal ordered the integration of females within the Armed Forces. All of the surface fleet is now integrated to some extent.

But the human rights panel specifically excluded submarines because of the cramped, difficult conditions.

However, with the April 1998 purchase of four surplus submarines from the Royal Navy, the Canadian Forces announced it would study the feasibility of adding females to the ranks of submariners. No decision has been made.

The navy forbids sexual activity of any kind aboard ships but recognizes that personal relationships will develop, says Maj. Lynn Bradley, who has recently completed interviews for a study on mixed-gender crewing.

"Personal relationships onboard ships between members of the same crew is an issue that gets raised fairly frequently in discussions," Bradley said from Ottawa.

Navy rules require personnel to report their personal relationships with other crewmembers.

The pair are then typically sent to separate ships so as not to disrupt morale and cohesion, a policy that could induce some crew to keep their relationships a secret. The rules are currently under review.

Bradley said she knows of no statistics estimating the frequency of illicit sex aboard Canada's surface ships. The military's prosecution office says it does not keep summary statistics on sex in the navy.

The women-on-submarines survey found that two-thirds of 256 submariners who responded were opposed to allowing women to serve aboard their boats. Many said their wives would be upset about the sexual temptations.

Many also warned about the frequent exposure of private parts in cramped quarters.

". . . some woman gets undressed in the same (area) as I am in, how do you expect me not to look?"

"Very often we must dress-undress often just inches from each other, and certainly in front of many others."

"I as a male hope they (women submariners) sleep in the raw. I'll always have my bunk curtain open."

Only Australia and Norway currently permit women to serve on their submarines.

The Canadian navy has already rejected a proposal for an all-female submarine, estimating it would take at least 15 years to train the captain and crew.

The Upholders, ordered in 1998 for $750 million, have two decks unlike the older Oberon subs which Canada has decommissioned. But the living space remains as cramped.

The navy is also examining whether to refit the Upholders to segregate the sleeping quarters, a potentially expensive solution.