Daily Dose - 010106 - little poem, BASEBALL MANAGER, breakfast in bed, Bizarre News, DDL, Hey Martha
I'm fresh back from the land Of Oz !! Ready to regail you with another years worth of jokes and strange news.
Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why are you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made-up. She loves it! It goes like this: "Goldilocks, Goldilocks, eyes so blue... I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone amazed said, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental and shit...." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works.
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice that's all. I just told her a poem...."
"Well, what poem did you tell her?"
Tyrone told him: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog... If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog. "
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BASEBALL MANAGER
"I've seen plenty of batting slumps," the manager told one of his coaches. "But I've never had a whole lineup in a slump before."
The team had lost 10 of its last 20 games, scoring only eight runs during that whole stretch. The best they'd done was four hits in a game.
"We have to try something different," the manager said to his batting coach.
"What do you have in mind?" the batting coach asked warily.
"I'm going into the batting cage myself," the manager said.
The coach tried to talk him out of it. But the manager was desperate, willing to try anything. With the whole team watching, the coach swung at the first pitch and missed. He missed the second pitch. Ditto the third, fourth, and fifth. On the sixth pitch, he just nicked the ball, which dribbled back to the pitcher's mound.
The manager slammed his bat to the ground, turned around, and stared at his players. "That's how you guys look at the plate!" he yelled. "Now get up there and HIT the ball!"
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The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.
Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"
"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"
"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."
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Bizarre News....
Bizarre Book Titles
Preserving Dick - Mary D.R. Boyd. Philadelphia, Pa. Presbyterian Board of Publication, 1867. Richard's dogged determination does not go unrewarded.
Ball Punching - Tom Carpenter. Athletic Publications, 1923 'World's Champion All-Round Ball-Puncher', but then balls usually are round, aren't they?
Games You Can Play With Your Pussy - Ira Alterman Watertown, Mass.: Ivory. Tower Pub. Co 1885
Penetrating Wagner's Ring - John L. DiGaetano New York: Da Capo, 1978; An in-depth study of the great composer's Meisterwerk.
Fifty Years with the Rod - John Stirling. Phillip Allan, 1929. An exhausting half-century described by the President of the Scottish Anglers' Association.
Camping Among Cannibals - Alfred St. Johnston. Macmillan, 1883. Dangerous exploits by an eccentric explorer.
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Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places
CORCORAN - California Author Robert Tegen has written a new book on the famous mass murderer, Charlie Manson.
What makes this worthy of Bizarre News is the revelation that good old Chuck wants to get married.
He is looking for a bride that will forgive him fm his past and not mind the idea that they will live separated for life, since he is serving a life sentence for the brutal slaying of Sharon Tate and several others.
[We heard Martha Stewart is also looking for a husband...]
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Queetzal The Alien Fathers Twenty
MURFREESBORO, Tennessee - Jeanne Robinson wants the world to know that she has been traumatized by aliens.
According to her new book, A Quest to Understand Contact, she has undergone being raped by an aliens at least twenty times.
Each of these violent incursions resulted in a hybrid child.
The alien rapist was the same gray "thing" named Queetzal. All of these abductions/rapes happened when she lived in Missouri's Ozark Mountains.
[Don't you just hate it when Queetzal visits?]
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ET's Don't Like to Prone Home
CHICAGO, Illinois - What should you do to avoid being abducted by aliens? The Center For UFO Studies (CUFOS) has issued a report suggesting that sleeping on your stomach is the most effective thing you can do.
No reason was given why this position is most effective.
[Staying on your medication is also an effective way to ward off aliens!]
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They're Herrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeee!
DETROIT, Michigan - Many people yell at their television sets like they have some bizarre notion that the actors on a show can really hear them.
But what would happen if the television started yelling back?
Charlotte and Judge Smith of Michigan claimed their television started hurling racial abuse at them and even knew their names. The Smiths told police it began in August when they came home to find their alarm system was dismantled and there were no signs of forced entry.
They also said that channels changed without warning or came on in the middle of the night.
A spokesman for the couple's satellite TV company said that he believes someone is playing an ugly prank and using a radio-frequency remote control from outside the building.
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False Teeth Prove Denture-Mental for Thief
PURBACH, Austria - A thief bit off more than he could chew when he removed his false teeth to taste some goodies during a raid on a supermarket, then forgot to put them back in when he left.
The man fled when he saw the security guard shine his torch into the shop, and left his dentures on the cold meat counter.
They were still there when police arrived.
According to a police spokesman, "We don't know who he is yet but the dental records will be a big help."
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Beware of Killer Teddy Bears
ADAMS, Massachusetts - A Bershire Hill woman called the police to report that there was a bear sleeping in her garden.
After a cautious examination which included sounding their siren cruiser, and calling for backup, police officers determined that the potentially dangerous creature was a stuffed teddy bear.
It was reported that there had been many recent bear sightings in the community so the officers cautious approach wasn't without reason.
It is not known who placed the bear in the garden, but officers believe it to be some kind of prank.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Sao Paulo, Brazil - The medical and legal communities are buzzing over a recent court ruling.
Dr. Joseph Ogiko, a renowned *witch doctor* had his tools of the trade confiscated.
Among his *tools* were a mamba snake and tortoise.
After pleading with the magistrate that the snake and tortoise were essential to cure arthritis, the judge returned the evidence in question but required Dr. Ogiko to get a wildlife permit.
[I am flying my mother-in-law to see this doctor.]
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DDL
There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you'd guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaffed maiden to boot.
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What's brown and crawls up your leg?
Homesick diarrhea.
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Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son.
Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."
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When I was just a kid, I got the entrepreneurial spirit by having a lemonade stand. The first glass I gave away free. The 2nd glass cost $5. The refill contained the antidote.
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, October 16, 2000
Old man wins, then loses, $20,000
DELAFIELD, Wis. (AP) -- An 82-year-old man who found a winning chip worth $20,000 in a 12-pack of Coca-Cola had his dreams fizzle when he learned that his part-time job as a food-store bagger made him ineligible for the prize.
"What really hurts is that I promised six of the girls working as scanners at the store each $100, and I feel so badly for them because they're such nice girls," Stanley Iracki said Saturday.
Iracki also acknowledged he could have used the $20,000. He said he receives no retirement benefits other than Social Security, and he exhausted his life savings during a long illness suffered by his wife, who died seven years ago.
He works 18 to 24 hours a week at the store to make ends meet.
Iracki's boss at the Wales Pick 'n Save, who knew the contest rules, said he regretted he wasn't at the store when Iracki brought in the prize-winning chip to show everyone.
"When we found out Stan won, I wish I would have been there that day because I would have fired him and, after he got his money, I would have hired him back," said store manager Joe McAdams.
Game officials told Iracki he was ineligible to win because he works at the Pick 'n Save store. Pick 'n Save was a co-sponsor of the game and the rules state that employees of participating retailers, wholesalers and distributors are not eligible to win.