Daily Dose -000612 - population control, Bizarre News, vibrating bed, confession, upstairs apartment, DDL, Onion
A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.
One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby. About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath.
The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."
The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?"
"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off."
________________________
Bizarre News.....
Bizarre Trivia
When it was first introduced in 1929, 7-UP contained lithium which is currently used only by prescription to treat manic depression. 7-UP was originally called Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda.
During a sea battle in the third century B.C., the Carthaginians defeated the Romans by catapulting earthenware pots full of poisonous snakes onto the decks of their ships.
American inventor and diplomat Benjamin Franklin compiled a list of more than 200 synonyms for "drunk" including cherry-merry, nimptopsical and soaked.
When American adventure writer Richard Halliburton swam the length of the Panama Canal in 1928, he was charged the standard cargo tonnage rate for his 140 pound body: $0.36.
*********
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Underwear, No Service
NEW YORK - Folks in a tightly packed town like New York will forgive a lot of bizarre behavior in the interest of getting along. But the owners of one restaurant had to draw the line when a patron insisted on eating his meals in the nude, especially since the business was closed at the time.
The Tottenville Inn installed a surveillance camera to catch a thief who had been terrorizing the new business. When the tapes were reviewed the owners were surprised to see their landlord, Albert Hohmann, helping himself to expensive cuts of meat and vintage wines in the empty restaurant.
But the unexplainable part is that Hohmann was walking around completely nude. Often he would top his nocturnal visits with minor vandalism, like turning on water taps and flooding the restaurant.
Hohmann is a city firefighter currently suspended for petty larceny and criminal mischief charges.
*********
Come On Ladies Lose 'Em... It's Legal Now!
GRETNA, Louisiana - In case you were wondering, it's now legal to throw women's panties from Carnival floats in this Louisiana town.
The Gretna City Council voted 4-0 Monday night in favor of the new law. Panties were originally part of a bill that makes it illegal to throw anything that depicts "male or female genitalia, is lewd or lascivious and includes, but is not limited to, condoms and inflatable paraphernalia."
Panties were removed from that bill after protestors argued that panties are on display at department stores across the nation.
*********
Mixing Business With Pleasure
COLUMBIA, SC - A printing error in some new BellSouth telephone directories lists the number for a phone-sex business under its jobline, The (Columbia) State newspaper reported.
"This is terribly embarrassing," said a spokesman for Bapco, the BellSouth printing subsidiary in Atlanta. The misprint changed one digit of the 10-digit toll-free number and hookers.... I mean... hooked callers up to connection that costs $2.50 a minute.
"Hi, sexy," purrs a woman's pre-recorded voice. "You've reached the live One-on-One Fantasy Line, where the girls are always hot, and ready to fulfill your every fantasy."
BellSouth said it will put an electronic intercept on the misprinted number to ensure that anyone trying to call the jobline won't get the sex-line.
*********
Teacher Arrested For Treatment Of Student
MONTGOMERY, AL - A junior high school teacher was arrested for allegedly making a 13-year-old boy urinate in a classroom trash can.
Ryan Calhoun's parents said their son repeatedly asked teacher Carey Jones for permission to use the bathroom during math class until Jones told him to urinate in a waste-basket.
The teen-ager said he moved the trash can to a corner of the classroom and wrapped a jacket around his waist for privacy.
Jones, 26, was arrested and charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
*********
Don't Bury Fido!
Well, that didn't take long. Wired magazine reports a team of scientists at Texas A&M University is launching the first ever dog cloning company www.savingsandclone.com.
As little as $1,000 could keep a copy of your pet alive forever. A cloned puppy has not yet been born, but the magazine reports the scientists are confident of success.
_________________________
While exploring their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.
"What's that for?" she asked her spouse.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "The bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money, honey," she cooed. "A quarter in and I start vibrating, too."
_________________________
This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."
__________________________
A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.
That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered.
He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.
The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!" So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!"
Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her as hard as he could.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"
So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"
__________________________
DDL
Two fairies were flitting one day
In the meadow where they liked to play
When the male made a pass
At the other (a lass),
Showing not quite all fairies are gay.
__________________________
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
_________________________
The Onion (satire)
World Gets First-Ever Look Inside Greenspan Fantasy Ranch
YORBA LINDA, CA--In an exclusive, first-ever peek inside the fabled estate, CNNfn cameras were allowed onto the grounds of Fiscalypso, Federal Reserve chair Alan Greenspan's palatial Yorba Linda fantasy ranch, Monday.
Greeting CNNfn reporter Dan Grentsch in a purple fur coat and Speedo swim trunks, the reclusive financial genius gave a guided tour of the 200-room mansion, pointing out such sights as his ruby-encrusted stock ticker, his rotating dollar-sign-shaped waterbed, and the "Love Hut," a shag-carpeted, warehouse-sized room stocked with nubile virgins from each of the seven major industrialized nations.