Daily Dose - 000611 - pizza boy, Bizarre News, college education, Start the Car, Young Love, New Car, DDL, Pseudo Onion
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house, Amanpreet asked,"What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Preet.
The lad smiled and replied, "Applied psychology."
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Bizarre News.....
Bizarre Last Words
Ludwig Van Beethoven, 1827: "I shall hear in heaven." By the time of his death, Beethoven was completely deaf.
Andrew Bradford, the publisher of Philadelphia's first newspaper, 1742: "Oh Lord, forgive the errata!"
W.C. Fields, who had been flipping through the Bible on his deathbed, 1946: "I'm looking for a loophole."
Neville Heath, the murderer who requested a glass of whiskey as his last wish before being hanged, 1946: "You might make that a double."
Karl Marx, after his housekeeper had asked whether he had a final message for the world, 1883: "Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough."
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Goldfish in Blenders Spark Outrage
DENMARK - While it doesn't quite have the charm of a Virgin Mary depicted in manure, Danish artist Marco Evaristti is still very pleased with his goldfish in blenders display.
A small museum in Kolding, 125 miles west of Copenhagen, is hosting the piece which features 10 goldfish, each swimming in its own blender. The artistic part is that the viewers have the option to punch puree on each appliance.
Two fish were blended on the very first day.
A local group, the Union for the Protection of Animals, complained to police who ordered the plugs pulled, but museum director Peter Meyer said it doesn't encourage people to blend the fish, but instead addresses ethical questions in society.
For a broader appeal the artist has included a nude picture of himself.
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They Don't Make Shows Like That Anymore
The British Broadcasting Company tried once more in December to save the 1980s hit program "One Man and His Dog," whose viewership has fallen off.
The program consists entirely of shepherds (each with his dog) competing to efficiently herd sheep into pens.
But it's not surprising, what with competition like a Fall 1999 British-made documentary, "Hidden Love: Animal Passions." Reports on practitioners in Missouri's "zoophile" community (i.e., humans romantically involved with animals), included an interview with an uncloseted zoophile gushing over his "wife" Pixel, a horse; said one activist, "We are not sick at all. Zoosexuality is (merely) an alternative lifestyle."
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Driver Kills Cop To Avoid Speeding Ticket
FRANKFURT - A German who killed a traffic policeman after he was caught speeding said the killing was a bid to avoid penalty points on his license.
The 45-year-old unnamed assailant, who was arrested earlier this week, said he was worried that penalty points from previous speeding offences would mean he would be stripped altogether of his license.
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A Clinton In The Making?
SCOTTSDALE, AZ - Here's a candidate we can all get behind...
Political candidate Gary Tredway didn't tell a single lie - he told a whole string of them.
Tredway, running for the City Council in Scottsdale, Arizona, said he was an orphan from California and went to college for three years. It turns out that he didn't go to college, wasn't born in California and isn't an orphan. Heck his name's not even Gary Tredway, either.
But his was a graceful exit from the race... he lied about having leukemia when he announced he was dropping out of the race.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
In our Giants of Science department, Italian researches claim to be able to cure impotence with a computer.
The scientists are using virtual reality technology to "re-awaken" feelings of youth and sexuality in men. The experiment uses "a Pentium 133, a full-immersion VR helmet, and a joystick."
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The farm had been mortgaged to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say 'ain't'!"
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Start the Car
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight . I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
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Young Love
A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another car passes them. The woman notices that the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise on down the highway.
This causes the woman to think back when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years.
Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?"
Her question was met with a few moments of silence. Then he quietly replied, "I haven't moved."
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The New Car
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off , to meet his friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her "What Happened"
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, these car designers , these people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"
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DDL
Here's a Hell I hope Spammers endure:
Eternally swim in manure,
While bombarded with e_mail
That tells in great detail
Of joys they can never procure
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The Bible in 50 Words
God made, Adam bit,
Noah arked, Abraham split,
Jacob fooled, Joseph ruled,
Bush talked, Moses balked,
Pharaoh plagued, People walked,
Sea divided, Tablets guided,
Promises landed,
Saul freaked, David peeked,
Prophets warned, Jesus born,
God walked, Love talked,
Anger crucified, Hope died,
Love rose, Spirit flamed,
Word spread, God remained.
Amen.
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Divorce: The fucking you get for the fucking you got.
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A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.
The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if they problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.
He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."
The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a macarel."
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Pseudo Onion (satire)
Security Guard Moves Slightly
WAFRA, KUWAIT--JO Gate Security Guard Mohammad Abdul was detected making a slight movement Monday, sending shockwaves through the local gate security-guard industry.
"He was sitting in his little booth, inert as usual, when his head turned about two degrees to the right," witness Hamed Ali said. "I thought I was seeing things, but then, about 30 seconds later, he shifted a tiny bit in his seat."
Monday's incident is the first reported case of gate security guard motion since August 1990, when an Northern Border guard was seen scratching his cheek.