Daily Dose - 000610 - Height of Revenge, Bizarre News, Let me get up, I'll always love you, Blind Luck, Quips, DDL, Hey Martha
Height of Revenge
Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn."
He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ears but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not going for the blood shed, yet still wanted to take revenge.
Happy as he is he now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja (Goto sleep, O dear mosquito, goto sleep)". After some time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands.
So he goes near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."
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Bizarre News...
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
Girls of the Pansy Patrol; 1931
[No, it's not an adult novella. Quite the opposite. Ms. May Wynne wrote over 200 books for young girls.]
Shy Men, Sex, and Castrating Women by Claude Balls; 1985
[I bet a year's supply of Brasso it's a pen name.]
The Social History of the Machine Gun; 1975
[Not just the history, but the SOCIAL history. As in, "My, that's a nice Thompson you have there."]
A Do-It-Yourself Submachine Gun; 1995
[This is for those unfortunate machine gun owners who don't have a social life and sit at home polishing their barrels.]
Fish Who Answer the Telephone; 1937
[It comes with diagrams, folks!]
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Police Attempt to Finish Botched Robbery
HONDURAS - After three thieves who attempted to burglarize the home of a Supreme Court judge were arrested, the policemen left to guard the violated house figured they would never get a better opportunity to pad their pensions.
Unfortunately for the enterprising cops, the same vigilant neighbor who reported the first break-in called for help again. When the second round of cops arrived the first group was busy cleaning up the valuables the thieves had left behind.
Police spokesman Hector Mejia said the policemen involved would be tried.
[I bet there wasn't much left for the third round of cops.]
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Shine On Harvest Moon
VIENNA - a few years ago Folks, this may not be current news, but I came across this historic gem while reading in a South Carolina hotel.
Back when Helmut Kohl was the German chancellor, a protester decided to show his disgust for Herr Kohl by pulling down his pants and "mooning" the surprised Chancellor.
But the story gets more weird. The offender was arrested and his defense tried to get the Chancellor in court to make a positive identification by getting nine men in a line up, all showing Kohl their posterior. The judge ruled against the motion.
[In Canada this wouldn't have been a problem.]
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Those Crazy Canucks
OTTAWA - It only took a couple of days of jokes from the prime minister on down to convince Canada's newest political party that the acronym CCRAP just wasn't going to cut it.
The Reform Party launched on Saturday a new opposition coalition with some Conservative politicians, dubbing it the Canadian Conservative Reform Alliance.
Trouble is, an early draft of the party's constitution erroneously tacked on "Party" to the end of the name, giving it the moniker CCRAP and providing plenty of fodder for one-liners.
(Yours Truly was one of the first 300 memebers of this Reform Party - I never had the chance to vote on this name...)
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Super Bowl Stunt Backfires On Nashville's Cops
Nashville's cops became fugitives after a radio station announced one of the city's uniformed officers was carrying two tickets to the Super Bowl, free for the asking.
This is where the story gets interesting... especially for anyone who's ever been chased by a copper!
Football-frenzied residents began chasing every policeman in sight, speeding after police cruisers in their cars and running through traffic on foot. The situation was made even worse because some of the police officers had not been told about the stunt, played out in advance of Sunday's Super Bowl XXXIV which pitted the Tennessee Titans against the St. Louis Rams.
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Let me get up!
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
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I'll always love you
Frank came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked nervously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.
"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Frank went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?"
The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."
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Blind Luck
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".
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A Few Quips
This is my first day out of mourning. My cousin died. He was a dyslexic policeman who had a heart attack. They found him by the phone trying to dial 119.
- Joan Rivers
I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.
--Bruce Clark
Did you hear about those two students in New York who sued Pace University because the math in their computer course was too hard? They won $1,000, but actually, the school got the last laugh. They gave the kids $700 and told them it was $1,000.
- Jay Leno
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me. Basement?
- Rodney Dangerfield
The only time you don't need a prenuptial is if he has no children...he's got a bad cough and a walker.
--Ivana Trump (on ex-husband Donald)
It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane the pilot was putting the 'club' on the steering wheel.
- John Mendoza
What a life. When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go ice skating. He told me to wait until it gets warmer.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
The last time I tried to get into the normal work force the guy told me I had to wear high heels. I'll wear the high heels but I am going to need a handicapped parking space.
-- Margaret Smith
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DDL
A scientist from Russia named Adam
Took a pot shot at splitting the atom.
He blew off his penis,
And now, just between us,
Is known in the Kremlin as Madam.
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A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy.
(not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy)
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My wife is going to a baby doctor. I say she should go to someone with a little experience.
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Motorhome bumpersticker: If you tailgate, I'll flush!
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, Apr. 26, 2000
New mom accused of selling drugs in hospital
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa (AP) -- A mother showed off her newborn daughter in a hospital's nursery, then took an undercover drug agent to her room and sold him $650 worth of crack cocaine, federal authorities say.
Bonnie Herr, 20, faces federal charges of selling drugs at St. Luke's Hospital nine hours after giving birth March 16. She was arrested and released Monday and is to appear in federal court Thursday.
She could get up to 40 years in prison and a $2 million fine on each of two counts, harsher punishment than usual because the hospital is within 1,000 feet of a school.
According to court documents, an informant and an undercover drug agent bought about 4 grams of crack from Herr at her apartment March 1.The informant called Herr to make a buy a couple of weeks later and discovered she had gone to the hospital to give birth.
Gregory Brugman, a special agent with the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, said he and the informant went to the hospital, where Herr pointed out her new daughter, then took them to her room.
Herr told the informant to watch the door and took several plastic bags out of her purse for Brugman, the agent said.
"Nobody can ever remember anything like this ever happening before," said hospital spokesman Mike Humbert.
No one answered the telephone at Herr's apartment Wednesday morning.
Iowa Department of Human Services officials, citing confidentiality laws, refused to say whether they were involved in determining custody of the baby.