Daily Dose - 000604 - earmuffs, Bizarre News, Vaseline, out of work bums, DDL, Hey Martha
Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?"
The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?"
The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
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Bizarre News...
Crocodile Love Potion
Kenyan wildlife wardens had to intervene to stop a group of prostitutes from stealing the genitals from the carcass of a crocodile they killed in Lake Victoria, the Kenya Times reported.
Prostitutes regard crocodile genitals as a strong love potion.
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Duct Tape - The New Teenage Rage!
In what gives new meaning to the words "sticking together" the hot new fashion rage amongst American teenagers is... making clothes out of Duct tape.
Tim Nyberg, one of the two "Duct Tape Guys" who have written three books extolling duct tape (yes there's actually a book!), says the product was invented by the military in World War II to keep moisture out of ammunition cases. It was so effective that "they started using it to repair jeeps and guns and hold stuff together.
After the war, they used it to hold heating and air conditioning ducts together." Just look how far we've come... now you can go to the prom in a duct tape prom dress or tuxedo.
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Doctor Sued For Carving Initials On Woman's Abdomen
NEW YORK - Ladies make if you live in the New York area you note this doctor's name Allan Zarkin and stay far away from him. Why? It seems that Dr. Zarkin should have been a graffiti artist.
He is being investigated - and sued - after he allegedly carved his initials on a woman's abdomen after performing a Caesarean section because he felt he had done such "a beautiful job," officials said on Friday.
According to witnesses of the procedure at New York's Beth Israel Medical Center, Dr. Allan Zarkin etched his three-inch (7 cm) initials, "AZ," into the skin of new mother Linda Gedz as she lay sedated on Sept. 7. Zarkin, dubbed "Dr. Zorro" by hospital staff following the incident had no comment.
[And who said people no longer have pride in their work?]
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Rodman Makes "National Disgrace" Of Himself, Again
In response to viewer complaints, four TV stations in Indianapolis have stopped running an ad for a radio station that showed two morning deejays standing next to former NBA bad boy Dennis Rodman, apparently using urinals and apparently very impressed with something of Rodman's that's not shown on camera.
It turns out the object of their admiration is his championship ring. In the ad, Rodman is labeled a "national disgrace" and the deejays are referred to as a "local disgrace."
The morning show's program director says he's "a little bit disappointed that people don't just see the humor in it."
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Two queers are sharing an apartment. One queer comes home to find the other one smearing Vaseline all over his chest.
"What are you doing?" the first queer asks.
The second queer replies that he read that putting Vaseline on your body promotes hair growth.
The first queer says, "If that was true, you would have a ponytail growing out of your ass by now."
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Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location...so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.
A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy... would you like a hand job?"
The bum shook his head and said, "errr...no its okay!"
A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy...would you like a blow job?"
The bum again shook his head and said, "errr...no its okay!"
After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from, we've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"
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A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"
The reply was, "Washington DC"
On being asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
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DDL
There was a young woman named Melanie
Who was asked by a man, 'Do you sell any?'
She replied, 'No, siree,
I give it for free.
To sell it, dear sir, is a felony.'
Jim's testicles groaned and said, "Ouch!",
As he fondled young Jane on the couch.
Said the left, "I feel blue";
Said the right one, "Me too",
As they jiggled around in their pouch.
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Was it a good party? That is what's on everyone's mind today when you run into them. "Oh, you went to that party. Was it a good party?" What constitutes a good party?
No one ever goes to a party and rates the munchies or grades the piss coming out of the Keg. It's just the annoying way of saying, "Did you hook up?"
So if someone asks this typical crap, just say: "Aside from the threesome, everything pretty much sucked."
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It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars return to class."
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Marriage Quotes
"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."
- Henny Youngman
"Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge."
- Bill Cosby
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."
- Benjamin Franklin
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
- Henny Youngman
"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
- Milton Berle
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, Apr. 21, 2000
Bong case, not bomb case, causes evacuation
WILMINGTON, N.C. (AP) -- Investigators treated a bong as a possible bomb and evacuated 1,000 students on the anniversary of the Columbine High School shooting.
The bomb scare occurred after seven teen-agers who were walking Thursday behind Roland-Grise Middle School ran when approached by a deputy assigned to the school. A search turned up a cardboard fireworks tube.
Because the seven wouldn't tell officers what the tube contained, the school was evacuated and the students were taken to a park nearby.
Alarmed parents flocked to the school to pick up their children while police blocked off streets.
Only after a bomb squad destroyed the tube did detectives learn that it was being used to carry a bong, a pipe for smoking marijuana.
"What we have is a B-O-N-G, not a B-O-M-B," said sheriff's Capt. David Smithey.
Two students were released without charges. One 15-year-old was charged as a juvenile with possession of drug paraphernalia. The four others were charged as adults and released on $1,000 bail.
The school was on heightened security because of the Columbine anniversary.
"They picked a bad day," Smithey said.