Daily Dose - 000603 - Two dwarves, Bizarre News, Jewish Home, talk in their sleep, hitch-hiking, DDL, Hey Martha

Two dwarves decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they are dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he is unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.

His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of "ONE, TWO, THREE ... HUH!" all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shakes his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asks. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

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Bizarre News...

Real Books... Unreal Titles!

How To Be Happy Though Married; 1885

How To Forgive Your Ex-Husband; 1983

Male Sexuality: The Atlantis Position; 1982
[One can only wonder what gymnastic ability this takes.]

Dildo Kay; 1940
[I have no idea what this is about.]

I Was Hitler's Maid; 1953
[Oh, the stories she tells about that crazy Fuehrer.]

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You Never Know When You'll Need A Spare Liver

Ah... Capitalism is alive and well in China as a southern Chinese hospital sells livers from executed prisoners to wealthy Asian transplant patients.

A Hong Kong newspaper reported on Sunday that undercover reporters were urged to book a liver from a "good young" prisoner during the current spate of mass executions that precedes the Chinese New Year.

"Our experience tells us that there are many organs before the Lunar New Year," a doctor from the Sun Yat Sen University Hospital in Guangzhou told the South China Sunday Morning Post. "If you miss this chance, you may have to wait until Labor Day."

China has always insisted that donations are voluntary. But doctors from the hospital told the Post that consent was not required for criminals and most organs came from executed prisoners. The hospital, which subsequently denied the doctors' comments, charges about 20,000 pounds for a liver transplant.

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Swazi Speaker Says He Stole Cow Dung To Save King

MBABANE - Swaziland's parliamentary speaker, who has been asked to resign for taking cow dung from the royal yard, has insisted he did so in order to perform rituals to protect the king.

An official from the Swaziland National Council, who attended a weekend hearing into speaker Mgabhi Dlamini's conduct, told journalists that Dlamini said he had had a series of dreams in which he was warned that King Mswati III was in danger. Dlamini said he took the dung - which is associated with witchcraft ceremonies in the Swazi countryside - to conduct magical rituals to render the king invincible.

[Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.]

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Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for over 40 years, and over the years became loving friends. One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "This house is becoming to much for us, let's sell it and each move into a home for the aged.

Each went to a home of their respective religions, and were soon placed. Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, and one day asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "So how do you like it here."

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. She then said, "You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful. Tell me what you do."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room, and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?"

She said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "So what do you do?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."

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A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.

The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"

His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"

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Sam was worried. His teenage daughter was hitch-hiking home from Miami to Minneapolis by herself. She was seventeen but was built like she was twenty-five.

When she arrived home unscathed her father was curious as to how she avoided rape, if not worse.

"I simply told the men who picked me up that I was going to the clinic in Minneapolis because it's the number one establishment in the country for curing V.D." she replied sweetly.

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DDL

There once was a disturbed humanoid
who let everyone get him annoyed.
He thought all talk was attack,
out to get him behind his back.
His shrink said, "He's just paranoid."

There once was a leprechaun named Pat
Who lived in a green, derby hat.
As legend foretold
He hid all his gold
And then he got ate by the cat!

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Why does the word "sanction" mean both to permit and to prohibit?

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In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king.

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Why would anyone be interested in the home game of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, April 10, 2000

Report: Eavesdropping damaged spies hearing

LONDON (AP) -- More than a hundred British intelligence officers have been compensated for hearing loss caused by too much eavesdropping on the enemy, The Sunday Telegraph reported.

A government spokeswoman offered no immediate comment on the report that staff at the Government Communications Headquarters -- the agency that monitors global communications -- had suffered hearing loss while listening to "enemy emissions."

The center at Cheltenham, 90 miles northwest of London, employs some 4,000 people including code breakers, computer experts and linguists.

The Sunday Telegraph said staff blamed inadequate headphones -- which have since been replaced -- for the hearing damage.

Staff "turned the volume up to full if foreign transmissions were difficult to understand. Some transmissions were accompanied by constant buzzing and crackling," the newspaper said.

New headphones, introduced in 1995, came too late for operators who worked at the center during the height of the Cold War, the newspaper said.

Individual staff have received compensation payments of up to $31,800, the report said.