Daily Dose - 000531 - Condom sense, Bizarre News, Family Planning Clinic, inveterate drunkard, little boy and his grandfather, DDL, Hey Martha
Condom sense
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.
One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
"So," the druggist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my dog, and now she poops in little plastic bags."
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Bizarre News ....
What's The Name Of That Safe Company
KANSAS CITY, Kan. - If you're going to be an extremist, do it right. That's what one Kansas City couple determined when they withdrew their life savings from the bank for fear of a Y2K disaster. But instead of stuffing their loot in a mattress, these folks invested in a 5-foot-tall steel safe.
As it turned out, Y2K was the least of their worries. The safe was stolen, allegedly, by four men who needed a dolly to take the massive vault from the home. It was found a few days later, abandoned in a field, unopened, with its contents intact.
Police said it appeared someone had tried to saw the hinges off, pry the door open and knock the tumblers off. Four men have been arrested on suspicion of robbery and theft.
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Paris Man Enjoys Eating Himself
PARIS, France - Michel Journiac is being sued by a dinner guest he had over to his flat. It seems the guest became sick after Michel revealed that the delicacy of "black pudding" was made with Michel's own blood.
Journiac has this fetish for eating his own blood and in papers filed in court said, "It's very rewarding to know you are eating some part of yourself."
His dinner guest didn't share this rewarding feeling.
[Michel is no doubt single and a lonely man.]
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Actress Kensit Sleeps With Mother's Ashes
LONDON - Actress Patsy Kensit (Lethal Weapon 2) revealed on Wednesday that she keeps her mother's ashes by her bed - and hugs the urn when she is feeling down.
"I know it sounds weird but I like to be near her," Kensit told GQ magazine.
No Patsy what's really bizarre is... The urn Patsy ordered "is a nice big posh one" because her mother suffered from claustrophobia.
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Accused Bank Robber Drops Name
SALT LAKE CITY - It wouldn't be surprising if Johnny Lee Miller got upset at the mention of his anger-management course.
FBI agents seeking a man who took $34,804 from First Utah Bank on New Year's Eve caught up with Miller after finding his course graduation certificate in the bank's vault, said U.S. Attorney Paul Warner.
The FBI said Miller slid a gun out from an envelope and demanded of a teller, "Where is your money?" The suspect took the gun with him but left behind the envelope, which also contained the certificate. It was issued by the Utah Department of Corrections.
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In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."
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Tales from the Family Planning Clinic
It's not often we get a good chuckle from comments made by our clients.
I would like to share comments from one of the male client satisfaction surveys we are asking men to fill out evaluating our vasectomy clinic services. This one came from a health department office here in Idaho.
The question is:
Do you have any suggestions about how we could improve our clinic or services to meet your needs?
Answer:
Yes
1) More pictures of big game
2) Ducks, you don't have any ducks. You need ducks
3) A different copy of Field & Stream on every seat.
4) Big stuffed animals. That would make me feel way more comfortable. Don't you think?
5) Take down the big Vasectomy sign, that makes me uncomfortable.
6) Free car wash with visit
I did not make this up.
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Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."
This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
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A little boy and his grandfather...
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
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DDL
A beauty with charm was my Jane;
Personality, looks, and a brain!
Yet she lived free from sin
(Well, I couldn't get in!)
I'll not bother to see her again ...
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Always Lost
Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, Ind., are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years.
A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc.
One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"
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Question that keeps me up at night
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, why would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, Apr. 12, 2000
Seven-year-old Perley King got his Cheerios
TACOMA, Wash. (AP) -- Seven-year-old Perley King got into big trouble for driving off in his sister's car in search of his favourite cereal. But he's getting his Cheerios.
Early on April 1, while other family members slept, Perley and his dog, Bear, climbed into the car. Relying on skills learned at a computer game, the boy drove three miles in search of a food store.
In his drive to fame, Perley navigated some of the city's busiest streets by alternately stepping on the gas pedal, then climbing on the seat to steer, chugging along toward the food store.
The spin landed Perley in hot water, but also earned him television appearances and buckets of newspaper ink. His single-minded devotion to his favourite breakfast cereal will also have material rewards.
Representatives from Minnesota-based General Mills planned to visit Perley, his parents, Dwayne and Jeanne King, and six brothers and sisters at their Tacoma home this week.
It means Perley can look forward to a year's supply of Cheerios and other surprises. He also may receive a new bicycle.
"So he'll never have to drive to the store again," said General Mills spokeswoman Liv Lane.