Daily Dose - 000530 - begins at home, Bizarre News, humping away, Public convenience, autoerotic gratification, Irish couple, DDL, Hey Martha
It begins at home!
Just heard by a caller to a radio talk show, the subject being: swearing. A guy called in and said that his son's teacher had told his son that his homework was unsatisfactory and he was to do it again. The kid said to the teacher, "That sucks!"
Upon hearing this reply, the teacher called the kid's mother and told him that he was going to have her son do his homework over, and, he was giving him some additional work because the kid used unacceptable language.
Whereas the mother replied, "Boy, that sucks, what did he say?"
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Bizarre News....
Delinquent Mom Lands In Pokey Over Library Books
CLEARWATER, Florida - "We don't want to put people in jail," said Clearwater Public Library director John Szabo, but that is exactly what his library is doing.
Case in point: Beverly Goldman, who is seven months pregnant, said she had changed addresses and didn't receive a single notice from the library or the courts about overdue books. That is until two detectives showed up to give her a little time in the cooler.
The same thing happened to Jeremy Christian Soder, 19, who thought he could get away with $80 worth of reference materials. His story sounds a little different from behind iron bars.
"This is not something the library enjoys doing or even wants to do," Szabo said.
But the message is out in Clearwater. Bring back those library books.
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Racist Referendum Falls Short
CHICAGO, IL - When the late Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. visited Chicago in the 60s, he said that it was even more racist than Alabama.
Racism is still alive in Chicago as white supremacist Richard Benedict Mayers is seeking to oust Rep. William Lipinski as well as trying to make new laws.
Mayers has submitted three referendums to be put on the Cook County Ballot that would have asked voters if black prisoners should be sent back to Africa.
His submissions were thankfully rejected. He needed 270,000 signatures on a petition to get the question on the ballot and fell 269,999 short.
Mayers' signature was the only one on the petition.
[Hey, what century is this?]
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Preachers To Be Packed In Carolina?
SOUTH CAROLINA - The NRA has to love it. A law is still in committee that would allow men of the cloth to carry concealed, semi-automatic pistols.
The reason? There is worry that the collection plates will be robbed and that the churchmen need to protect their donations.
[I ask once more, what century is this?]
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Don't Miss This Great Festival
It's not too early to begin making plans for Fruita, CO's annual Mike the Headless Chicken Day festivities.
Each May, the western Colorado town throws a giant festival in fond remembrance of Mike, a rooster who literally lost his head in 1945 -- and miraculously lived on to achieve fame, if not fortune, as a living, breathing, headless fowl.
According to the Denver Post, Mike's life changed when farmer L.A. Olsen chose him as the main dish for supper on Sept. 10, 1945.
Nobody knows what went through Mike's head, except an axe, when his owner placed it on the chopping block and hacked it off, but Olsen sure got a surprise when Mike stood up and - bobbing and weaving -- headed back to the barnyard, sans head.
Mike's nonchalance amazed Olsen, who watched as the headless fryer mingled with his fellow poultry and attempted to peck at corn kernels.
[I guess roosters just don't know when to call it quits. Explains a lot about cockfights, though.]
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In our Giants of Science Department, researchers at Japan's Okayama University have announced that beer may prevent cancer.
After studying 24 different beers from 11 countries, scientists report that one ingredient can counteract carcinogens found in cooked meat.
(..after studying 24 different beers, I'm likely to report almost anything)
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Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husbands best mate Peter when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.
"Who was it? The back stabbing buddy asked.
"On, that was Mick." She replied calmly.
"Oh shit, I'd better be going then!: he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"
"Relax - he's down at the pub, playing a few games of pool with you."
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Public convenience
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
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It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his anus .
What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way.
In his pain and panic, he dialed 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."
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An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."
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DDL
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than
t
h
i
s
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Q. Why did Clinton decide to go to Africa?
A. He got the idea thumbing through some of his old National Geographics.
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Why do cavemen always haul women back to the cave by their hair?
Because if you pull them by their feet, they fill up with mud.
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Women! First they marry you for your money....
then they divorce you for it!
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Rejected Classified
Recently the Cincinnati Enquirer rejected my classified ad. I was trying to sell my 1979 Jeep CJ-5. There was no reason given for the rejection.
1978 CJ-5 19 year old tomboy likes to play in mud topless. 34" with 2" body lift. 258CID. $2500 OBO
No sense of humor I guess.
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, Mar. 31, 2000
Store pulls foul-mouthed Furbys
READING, Pa. (AP) -- A Wal-Mart store has pulled some Furbys from its shelves because of customer complaints the dolls may have been using naughty language.
About three-dozen talking Furbys were shipped back to the manufacturer from the Wal-Mart Discount Cities store in Exeter, Pa., after customers complained about what the dolls seemed to be saying.
Assistant manager Frank LaCoy said the Furbys said "hug me" -- but it didn't sound like "hug me."
LaCoy said only some of the Furby Talking Buddies dolls said the phrase. He said many words that come out of Furby dolls are not clearly enunciated.
A spokeswoman for the manufacturer, Tiger Electronics, a Hasbro subsidiary, said the Furbys are programmed so they cannot curse or mimic curses and customers misheard the dolls.