Daily Dose - 000529 - Lourdes water, Bizarre News, Kids and the Police, stamps, snow slide, DDL, Hey Martha
The innocent old lady had a huge bottle with her as she passed through the Irish Customs.
"What have you there?" asked the Customs man with suspicion.
"'Tis Lourdes water, I'm bringing home with me."
He took the bottle, tried some and spluttered.
"Let me tell you," he said, "that's not Lourdes water. That's first-class French brandy."
"Lord bless us," she said. "'Tis a miracle!"
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Bizarre News....
Bizarre Trivia
Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.
Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive.
Clinophobia is the fear of beds.
The sloth (a mammal) moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on it's fur.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist. [Figures.]
Astronauts cannot cry. In space, there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.
A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.
In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.
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Convicted Killer Imprisoned In Man's Body
BOSTON, MA - A convicted killer is convinced he is a woman trapped in a man's body and he/she plans on doing something about it.
The felon has filed a federal lawsuit to force the state to pay for a sex change.
Robert Kosilek, who is serving a life sentence for killing his wife in 1990, claims it is cruel and unusual punishment to prevent him from becoming a woman. Since his conviction in 1993, Kosilek, 50, has been denied the hormones and surgery that would allow him to "assume some level of psycho-sexual congruity," as he put it in court papers.
Correction officials have attempted to have the case dismissed.
[I can sympathize. I've always had an inkling that I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Except, of course, without all the killing.]
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Police Floored By Wrestling Call For Help
EDINBURGH - An elderly wrestling fan whose hero was taking a beating in a televised bout dialed 999 (Scotland's equivalent of 911) to request urgent police intervention.
Nora Cuthbert, 64, called police after watching "Stone-Cold" Steve Austin take a beating against "Triple H" in a World Wrestling Federation bout broadcast live from Manchester on cable TV. Ms Cuthbert pleaded with officers to step in to save the wrestler from injury.
Bemused officers explained that the fight was largely choreographed and no genuine assault was taking place. But Ms Cuthbert was adamant that they must intervene. She said: "He's getting a real battering and blood is everywhere.
Later she explained "People say it is not real and it is all staged, but I knew it was real and he was hurt and I wasn't going to stand by and watch it happen."
A police spokesman said: "I'm quite sure it was not a police matter from start to finish.
[Hell yeah.]
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Drunken Man Sends Mayday As Bathtub Boat Sinks
COPENHAGEN, Denmark - In what has to be one of the most bizarre pleas for help, a Danish man set off a real-life sea rescue mission while playing with toy ships in his bathtub.
The drunk 52-year-old called in repeated mayday alarms to the Maritime Sea Rescue Command as he piloted his water toys, claiming he was captain of a 12-crew freighter in distress.
Giving a position west of the Baltic Sea island of Bornholm, which belongs to Denmark, he said his vessel was listing 45 degrees and that one crew member had been washed overboard.
Authorities leaped to respond, sending two rescue vessels to search the area for 90 minutes.
Police eventually traced the phone calls to the home of the intoxicated man, who admitted the false alarm.
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Spunky Kitten Has 8 Lives Left
NOTTINGHAM, England, - Tilly the cat may be only 4-months-old but she already has used one or two of her lives up in a bizarre story from abroad.
Tilly's deranged 19 year-old owner Scott Taylor shoved her in a microwave on full power for five minutes.
If that wasn't enough the twisted youth decided to hang Tilly by her front legs from a ceiling smoke-alarm.
Tilly showed great fortitude and survived the ordeal. It was however necessary for her tail and hind leg to be amputated.
Taylor was given three months jail time and a lifetime ban on ever owning a pet.
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Man Swallowed 55 Crack Pipes
A Florida cocaine enthusiast had 55 small glass pipes removed from his stomach after going to an emergency room complaining of severe abdominal cramps, heartburn and indigestion.
He apparently swallowed the pipes while high on crack and did not realize what he was doing. The glass tubes ranged up to 4 1/2 inches long and a quarter-inch in diameter and had been ingested over a period of months.
"At first, I thought it was vials of powder cocaine. Then I realized it was crack pipes, and when I saw how many there were, I really couldn't believe it," police investigator Alison Drawdy said.
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It's Fun & Games Until Somebody Gets An Eye Shot Out
PORTLAND, Maine - In a national climate that's very touchy about street crime, the prank of Jennifer Ferrelli, 19, and Daniel Tucker, 21 did not go over very well.
Cruising around downtown Portland in a truck, the young couple went on a 45- minute shooting spree with a paint-ball rifle. After tagging numerous buildings, cars and one by-stander the shooters hit an off-duty police officer who quickly gave chase.
Inside, the truck police found one Sting Ray paint gun with a full magazine of pellets. Not surprisingly, both Ferrelli and Tucker have previous records.
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More than 8000 spectators turned out for this year's annual Nude Night Surfing Competition at Australia's Bondi Beach.
Freddie Graetsch was awarded the men's crown on the strength of his "imaginative maneuvers..."
(I especially liked how he waved to the crowd without using his hands)
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Kids and the Police
One day, a teacher was teaching her class of eight year old children. At the beginning of the lesson she asked them to write a short essay on their views of the police force. As she was reading through them at the end of the day, she noticed little Johnny had only written one sentence; "Police is bastards."
Naturally, she was quite concerned. So, she thought the best way to rectify this would be to take the children for a day out at the local Police station.
The next day, the children all went on a school outing to the local Police station, and they all had a brilliant time. They got shown round the cells, and were given lots of cakes and fizzy drinks.
The day after the visit, the teacher asked them all to write a short essay on their views of the Police force based on their visit the day before.
As she was reading through them at the end of the day she noticed that little Johnny had again only written one sentence; "Police is cunning bastards."
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A couple of Christmases ago I was in line at the post office when I overheard a woman at the window ask for a book of stamps.
The teller asked which ones she wanted, and she replied "Oh, the Madonna and child ones."
The woman in line in front of me rolled her eyes and said "My God, she's on a STAMP now?!?!"
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For a holiday, O'Sullivan decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a St. Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said O'Sullivan. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
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DDL
Two Bros, after drinking some beer,
Took a whiz off the end of the pier
One Bro said, "Mother!
Water's COLD!" Said the other,
"An' de bottom is muddy, too, here!"
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A few years ago I went to Winnipeg for a vacation. I didn't notice any hairy chests, but I did notice that a lot of the women had stiff nipples all the time.
[Ah, that Canadian weather!]
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There will always be death and taxes;
however death doesn't get worse every year.
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I don't get even, I get odder.
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I'm not fat, I'm a nutritional overachiever.
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, Apr. 4, 2000
Man could face 20 years for swiping Snickers
TYLER, Texas (AP) -- Kenneth Payne III's sweet tooth has landed him in a bitter place -- prison.
Payne drew a 16-year prison sentence last month after being convicted of swiping a Snickers candy bar from a convenience store.
It wasn't the first time that Payne's chocolate craving prompted a run-in with the law. He has a previous conviction for stealing a bag of Oreos.
The district attorney's office tried Payne as a habitual offender, bumping the misdemeanor shoplifting charge to felony theft, making him eligible for a sentence of up to 20 years in prison.
Assistant District Attorney Jodi Brown said Monday she was a little surprised by the jury's sentencing recommendation on the theft of the $1 chocolate bar on Dec. 17.
"But it was a king-size," she added. "And it was a Snickers bar. If it was a Milky Way, we probably wouldn't have even tried him on it."
Besides the cookie theft, Payne also has a previous conviction for stealing a box of tools. "He was no stranger to the system and disregarding the law," Brown said.
Payne's attorney, Linda Altier, said she will appeal.