Daily Dose - 000528 - sex education, Bizarre News, blind man, eating watermelon, DDL, Hey Martha
Eight year old Johnny came home from school one day. At the supper table he announced to his mother and father that tomorrow in school they were going to learn about sex education.
The next evening at the dinner table Johnny's mother asked, "Well Johnny, what did you learn about sex education today?"
Johnny said, "I think the teacher said we should avoid inter-sections and buy condominiums."
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Bizarre News....
Bizarre Trivia
Q. What is the origin of the popular dog's name Fido?
A. It's from the Latin fidus, meaning "faithful."
Q. What did President Franklin Delano Roosevelt have imprinted on the White House matchbooks?
A. Stolen from the White House.
Q. In year's past what was used as transmission oil in Rolls-Royce automobiles?
A. Spermaceti oil - from the sperm whale.
Q. What reason did Sigmund Freud give for sitting behind his patient's couch during psychoanalytic sessions?
A. Freud wrote: "I cannot bear to be gazed at eight hours a day."
Q. What would the Barbie Doll's measurements be if she were life-size?
A. 39-21-33
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Moon Over L.A.
LOS ANGELES - Among the new breed of fans that Atlanta Braves player John Rocker has earned recently stands one individual who distinguished himself Monday night by running onto the field at Dodger Stadium and dropping his pants in front of the now infamous pitcher.
"I thought it was one of the funniest things I've seen in my life, I was laughing my butt off," third baseman Chipper Jones said. "Let's hope that's as bad as it ever gets." commented Braves manager Bobby Cox. The Braves beat the Dodgers 2-1.
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Ex-Mrs. Millionaire Sells Her Assets
It seems Ms. Darva Conger - the young lady who married Rick Rockwell on the Fox-TV spectacular "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire" - is cashing in on her fame by posing for Playboy.
Conger will reportedly earn a six figure fee for trimming her sails in front of the cameras. Rick Rockwell says he might look at the pictures, but he doesn't plan to buy a copy of the magazine. He doesn't want to give Conger "an extra nickel."
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Theme Paper Earns Student Suspension
BOSTON - It's hard for administrators at the Boston Latin Academy to tell where literature ends and death threats begin.
So when Charles Carithers was given an assignment to write a horror story for his English class, the work he turned in so unnerved his teacher that school officials gave him a three day suspension.
ACLU-Massachusetts Executive Director John Roberts said that Carithers "was so successful in fulfilling the assignment" that instead of getting a high grade he was suspended. Boston School Superintendent Thomas W. Payzant defended school officials, saying they have to err on the side of caution in the aftermath of Columbine.
And the story? Carithers wrote about a student athlete who murders a fictitious English teacher with a chainsaw.
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Wife Runs Over Husband; After Church
COVINGTON, LA. - Sunday may be the Lord's day, but it didn't stop a jealous wife from correcting her husband's wandering eye.
Sedonia Renee Martin, 22, decided to quickly correct her husband's church flirtation after last Sunday's service at St. James Baptist Church. The husband, Tushaun Jamel Thompson, vacated the couple's car to avoid further argument when his wife sped towards him in an effort to scare him.
Convinced that she wouldn't actually hit him, Thompson stood his ground; until the front end of the vehicle hit his upper legs, and threw him into a ditch 20 feet away. His injuries were moderate, but his embarrassment was critical.
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More Mutant Food ---------------------
MEXICO CITY - Not to be outdone by Spain's monster artichokes, the city of Oaxaca attempted to find fame in the Guinness Book of World Records by building a giant tortilla.
This hefty snack was 14-1/2 feet in diameter, and was topped with 70 pounds of beef, 70 pounds of cheese, 45 pounds of beans, and five gallons of salsa.
If they don't qualify under the tortilla category; they still have a shot in the taco division.
[I wonder how large the margarita was?]
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Pink Plastic Flamingos Are An Expensive Mistake
LAWRENCEVILLE - It's official; bad taste has a price, and it's $3,400.
Apparently Doug Henry's fellow Georgians, and subdivision neighbors were not amused by his pink plastic lawn ornaments. According to the homeowners association, all unapproved lawn ornaments will cost the homeowner $25 a day until they're removed.
His $15 flamingos have now cost him $3,400, which he was unaware of until he tried to sell his house, and found that the association placed a lien on his home. If both sides don't agree on a settlement, a judge will decide who gets the flamingo funds.
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A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.
The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help, Help!"
The tower came back and asked what was wrong.
The blind guy says "Help Me! I'm blind, the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"
The tower comes back and says "How do you know you're upside down?"
"Because the shit is running down my back!"
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Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day. They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house eating watermelon.
They notice that she wasn't wearing any panties. So they ask her if its cooler without wearing any panties.
She said, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."
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Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.
The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting.
The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.
The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.
The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"
The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."
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DDL
There is no safe sex on the net,
On this fact you surely can bet,
Screwed a girl on the screen
And ruptured my spleen,
And the glass is not out of me yet.
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Our company is starting a new trial "Paperless Office" program.
The only problem is they are starting in the bathrooms.
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All you folks whose pension funds have lost billions in the Clinton-Gore assault on Microsoft be sure to remember them in November.
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What has 18 legs and 2 tits?
The Supreme Court.
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, April 10, 2000
Sixth-grader suspended for rude rhyme
MAMARONECK, N.Y. (AP) -- A sixth-grader suspended for reciting a naughty rhyme to two girls on the playground returned to school Tuesday after his punishment was cut from five days to three.
The 11-year-old was punished last week for saying: "Roses are red, violets are black, your chest is as flat as your back."
The boy's parents offered to have him apologize, but school officials said he had violated sexual harassment guidelines.
Lawyers for the boy's family and the district agreed to his reinstatement.
Ronald Kuby, the family's lawyer, described the incident as "political correctness gone berserk" and said the boy "had never heard the term sexual harassment and may not even know what sex is."
On Friday, Superintendent Sherry King defended the suspension, saying the district would not have imposed such a stiff punishment if that had been the only incident. She didn't elaborate.