Daily Dose - 000527 - wedding, Bizarre News, Test Your Southern knowledge, physical exam, Quebecers, DDL, Hey Martha
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast."
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Bizarre News ....
MAY IS...
May is... Better Sleep Month.
May is... National Salad Month.
May is... National Egg Month.
May is... National Barbecue Month.
May is... Date Your Mate Month.
May is... Fungal Infection Awareness Month.
May 1 is... Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day.
May 2 is... Fire Day.
May 3 is... Lumpy Rug Day.
May 7 is... National Roast Leg of Lamb Day.
May 9 is... Lost Sock Memorial Day.
May 11 is... Twilight Zone Day.
May 13 is... Leprechaun Day.
May 14 is... National Dance Like A Chicken Day.
May 15 is... National Chocolate Chip Day.
May 19 is... Frog Jumping Jubilee Day.
May 23 is... Penny Day.
May 24 is... National Escargot Day.
May 26 is... Grey Day.
May 29 is... End Of The Middle Ages Day.
May 30 is... My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day.
May 31 is... National Macaroon Day.
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Monster Artichokes as Power Source?
SPAIN - Echoing the plot of a bad Japanese Sci-Fi movie, Spanish farmers are growing three-meter high artichokes to be used as fuel.
These genetically modified vegetables are part of a new biomass scheme to produce enough electricity for the needs of up to 60,000 people. The towns of Alcala de Gurrea, and Villabilla de Burgos will begin using this new power source in two years.
[Mutant vegetables take over Spain? It's too bad Inoshiro Honda is dead.]
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New Trial for Junk Food Felon
TEXAS - Currently serving 16 years for stealing a Snickers candy bar, inmate Kenneth Payne III will be retried due to jury misconduct.
Payne was caught swiping the Snickers while he was already on parole for Oreo theft. This harsh sentence was handed down after prosecutors tried him as a habitual offender which increased his misdemeanor charge to a felony charge.
The judge ruled for a retrial when it was discovered that one juror was found encouraging the other jurors for a harsher sentence.
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Kentucky Fried Chicken Not Chic Enough
BEIJING - Apparently the KFC located in China's scenic imperial-era park is considered an eyesore. The lease is due to expire in 2002, and they won't be coming back.
A parks department spokesman said there were several complaints that the restaurant, "destroyed the original style of the imperial park...it is extremely out of harmony with its surroundings."
In addition to the ill-fated KFC, no other fast-food outlets will be allowed in any of the parks in the future.
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Claus the Ripper?
BERLIN - German department stores fear for their menswear.
Police are hunting a new criminal who is slicing and cutting his way through unsuspecting garments. Nicknamed, "KaDeWe Ripper" by the Bild daily, this scalpel-weilding menace has wantonly slashed his way through thousands of dollars worth of men's clothing.
Police have distributed photos of the suspect who has an eerie trademark: he likes to cut holes in the left side of jackets, just above the heart.
[I'd hate to see what he does to the boxer shorts.]
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Beaver College Tired Of The Abuse
GLENSIDE, Pa. - It's bad enough that the students at Beaver Women's College get ribbed about their school's name, but it has gone too far when public figures like Letterman and Stern start taking pot shots.
Now internet watchdog programs are censoring any web sites using the word "beaver" keeping high school graduates from finding out about the school.
Beaver president Bette Landman has had enough. She wants the school name changed to something less controversial. But some alumni and administrators are proud of their Beaver, and want to keep it just the way it is.
The controversy still rages and no new name has yet been adopted.
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Underwear Sues
The Pets.com sock puppet as seen on TV is causing problems.
Pets.com is suing "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" writer Robert Smigel, claiming that Smigel, the creator of "Late Night" rubber puppet Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, said the Pets.com's sock puppet is a "rip-off" of Triumph.
It seems an old gym sock on somebody's hand has become an intellectual property.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
In our Giants of Science department, Italian researches claim to be able to cure impotence with a computer.
The scientists are using virtual reality technology to "re-awaken" feelings of youth and sexuality in men. The experiment uses "a Pentium 133, a full-immersion VR helmet, and a joystick..."
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Test Your Southern knowledge
This test really can't be cheated on... either you know it or you don't.
One Yankee in my office only mustered a 2 or 3, whereas the natives typically score around 20+.
If you are over 50, you should be living in a trailer park with the Trans Am up on blocks.
1) How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
2) What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
3) Bill Dance is good at what?
4) What university does Bill Dance root for?
5) Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
6) After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
7) In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
8) A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?
9) What is a chigger?
10) What is scrapple?
11) Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?
12) What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
13) What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury,_________.
14) What's the common name for a bowfin?
15) If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
16) Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?
17) What are grits made out of?
18) Who was nicknamed "The Bear"?
19) Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
20) What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
21) Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?
22) What are the radio station call letters that carries "The Grand Ol' Opry"?
23) Where would you find Vidalia County?
24) What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
25) What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
26) How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
27) When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
28) What is a scuppernong?
29) Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
30) Why do you want to eat "high on the hog"?
31) What color is a John Deere?
32) What do you call the offspring of a mule?
33) What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?
Score 3 points per correct answer. You're given 1 point to start.
Answers follow below, so don't peek...
Answers:
1) 7
2) 43, red and blue
3) Fishin'
4) University of Tennessee
5) University of Georgia
6) Hard peanuts
7) 283
8) French
9) A redbug (small parasite)
10) A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
11) Panama City, FL
12) Spanish moss
13) Evinrude
14) Mudfish
15) Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
16) Hank Williams
17) Corn
18) Paul Bryant
19) Because of pollen
20) "The Recipe"
21) Helen
22) WSM
23) Georgia
24) Calf roping
25) Mandolin
26) 5
27) The same thing
28) A wild grape
29) Yes
30) Because that's where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live high on the hog.
31) Green
32) Another trick animal husbandry question. Mules are generally sterile.
33) Tobacco
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A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.
"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."
The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"
"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about it just last week from my dog's vet."
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**** Tasteless Joke Alert ! ****
Two Quebecers are sitting in a bar getting bored, so they decide to play 20 questions.
The first Quebecer tries to think of a subject for his friend to guess and comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he's ready to play.
"OK," the second Quebecer says. "Is it something good to eat?"
The first Quebecer thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Mais Oui, I guess you could eat it."
The second Quebecer says, "Is it a moose cock?
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DDL
Mr. Jones was a bass in the choir,
Yet a man who loved "playing with fire"
He wrestled a bear
Who didn't play fair
Now he's singing a full octave higher.
Connoisseur, if allowed, of fine tail
I ogle, when able, young quail;
But my wife is no fool
She enforces one rule:
"You can look all you like, BUT NO BRAILLE!"
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else!
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A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love.
Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?"
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The cost-of-living index is down again....
except for shelter, food, clothing, energy, tobacco, alcohol and taxes.
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, April 17, 2000
King apologizes for speeding
STOCKHOLM (AP) -- Sweden's King Carl XVI Gustaf apologized Monday for having gone over the speed limit when driving in Denmark over the weekend.
The king admitted that he had been driving too fast on his way to pick up his children at the Copenhagen airport Saturday for the celebrations of the Danish Queen Margrethe's 60th birthday, which was Sunday.
Shortly after noon on Saturday a driver called the police and said he had been overtaken by two Swedish-registered Ferraris driving about 155 mph on the expressway around Copenhagen, the Swedish news agency TT reported.
The king said he was driving somewhere between 81 mph and 87 mph in a 68 mph zone, but denied he was going any faster.
"I'm sorry and I apologize," the king said via his press secretary Elisabeth Tarras-Wahlberg. "We were late and had a few errands to run before we were to collect the youngsters at the airport."
Asked if the king will be fined for speeding, Tarras-Wahlberg said "this is a hypothetical question because he was not caught in any speed trap."
Danish police had no comment.